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What Are You Doing?

by Kelsey Paulina 2 years ago in happiness

Countdown: 23 days.

Photo by Will Malott on Unsplash

I have to admit, things are pretty weird for me right now. I can confidently say that I don't think that even half of the people in my life know what I've been doing lately, and even more than half of the people in my life definitely don't know what I've been thinking about doing lately.

It's quite funny for me to consider the number of people in my life who don't even know (or haven't noticed!) that I chopped a significant amount of my hair off nearly three weeks ago now, that I've added yet two more holes in my nose, or that I've also started stretching my ears again. It's quite funny, but it's equally quite sad.

It's probable that this isolated, invisible experience I've been having has been exacerbated by my own behaviours, but I can't justify the phenomenon as a whole by taking most of the responsibility for its occurrence.

I've definitely thought about putting in some real, moral effort into trying to change the way that things are right now and how the entirety of "life" is making me feel, and I do think that there are things that I could take responsibility for and employ some method of action in order to improve my circumstances... but here's the thing:

I'm not going to do that.

Do I sound like an asshole for this?

Maybe.

Am I an asshole for this?

Definitely not.

You see, I know that even if I put in the effort on my end of things and take responsibility for my own influencing behaviours, I still won't be happy. I know this because I've tried these things before, and although the situation generally improves, I never feel happy, I never feel excited about things. I get how this could all sound very much symptomatic of pathological depression, but trust me, that ain't it.

I know what I'm going to do. I have a plan.

However, I am acutely aware of the way I tend to deal with things sometimes, and although I know exactly what I am going to do about my life's circumstances, I know that I am going to wind up executing this plan of action in a way that really burns a nice handful of people in my life. Unfortunately, the "right" way of approaching this situation involves a whole lot of social interaction that I am positive will bite me in the ass and influence a toxic, destructive flood of self-doubt that I am frankly too fragile to handle right now.

So, with that being said, I have found a solution that makes me happy. I have found the feeling of joy, hope, and home, and I am enthralled about embarking upon this journey in the next little while... but I have absolutely no idea how to break the news, or if it even matters how I eventually do. I'm getting the feeling that there will be adverse opinions and hurt feelings no matter how I approach revealing my seemingly impulsive plan, and having to decide between a few different ways that I can inevitably incite negative emotions in other people isn't exactly a simple task.

For now, I am leaving this vague expression at that. I understand that I have left this prose open to interpretation, and maybe that's something that will eat away at people and drive them to drop absurd queries into my lap, expecting answers, expecting reassurance... Well, I apologize in advance, but the answers are not going to come out in response to demands, or as a service to anyone. I've spent my whole life up to this point existing as a some sort of public service, using my cognition primarily to please others in some way, shape, or form, and I'm done. I think I have officially "had it" with the way things have been and now I need to be a little more selfish, and if that comes to bother someone else and they can't see how much I need to do this to grow and finally be happy, well... good riddance, I suppose.

happiness
Kelsey Paulina
Kelsey Paulina
Read next: The Deception of Instagram
Kelsey Paulina

Strange. Unique. Rationally nonsensical.

One day, I would love to be able to quit my job and pursue writing, drawing, and other creative avenues full-time.

Creating and engaging with my imagination is what I was made to do.

See all posts by Kelsey Paulina

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