What About Me??

I have never been good at expressing myself. I sometimes find it extremely hard just to formulate one sentence describing how I am feeling. Some I am certain would argue my environment is to blame; that my being forced to live in silence, my not being allowed to deal with my emotions, all contributes my lack of communication skills.

I talk a lot about two women in my world. My good friend Ashlei, and my aunt momma Stacy. These women for those who may not know, have been the cause of many torturous days and even more excruciating nights. Their belief in this thing called process, still to this day sticks in my craw. How I am feeling to me, was then, is now, and shall forever be irrelevant; after all who besides the good friend truly gives a 💩💩 about how I feel? Even if I sat here and wrote a twenty page dissertation, laying out every reason why I was upset, and with whom I was upset, I would be willing to bet, most wouldn’t read, nor would they even see my complaints as justified. #fACts #ThisIsReality.

So as I sit here thinking; thanks to COVID19, which has both me and most of the civiled world proverbially locked the house. I began to do this thing, them two women folks constantly speak of. I began to process. I began to process relationships. I begin to see their value. I began to process my outlook on the world. I began to understand for the first time, what is right, and most importantly in my world, what is wrong. I began to realize what steps I needed to take, to ensure my future is secure. I realized the hard and even hella risky choices I had to make. No one, not even EDB, like change, but if I don’t makes moves, I am almost certain to fail.

I don’t expect this to make sense to anyone, mostly because it doesn’t make sense to me. I would find it surprising, if anyone at this point has really grasped what I am saying. I would find it even more surprising if anyone was still reading this, which takes me back to my original question. Why would anyone drop give one 💩 about my feelings? Especially when my feelings have nothing to do with Donald Trump, or his billionaire friends? Especially when I am not trying to stab Nancy Pelosi or even wish the political destruction of Bernie Sanders. That is what real people care about. If your feeling connect to one of those issues, then you share in the global feeling, and most importantly then your feelings matter.

So I have done, what the ladies asked of me. I have recognized, realized, processed and now proclaim that the only one who really gives a 💩💩 about me whole ❤️ heartily is the MY HOMIE. Therefore what can I do to make certain my one true friend is happy?

As I prepare to leave you. I find myself thinking once again. I am reminiscing back now almost 20 years. 2002 was the year, I could fully connect to the internet. Yahoo Chat was 🔥 back then, and all I wanted to do was hangout with my friends. For the first time in my life, I was cool 😎.. For the first time in my life, I had no one judging me, I didn’t have to worry about who was going to screw me, or most importantly, I didn’t have to wonder about who loved me. The internet became my home. It brought me joy, so much so, I never wanted to leave; But back then we had to, we were forced into relations with this sick society known as real life. Most of us played good, while others of us crumbled, longing for the moment we could reconnect.

THEN.... Then the day came, when our dreams became true.. We no longer had to leave. The time came, when we could have everything we ever wanted. We could from the same chair, work, play, even be in love. BUT by the time this happened, most of us who had the dream were grown ups, forced to conform to the evils of the real world. Does it make us bitter?? Hell Yeah it does.. Because now we watch as this generation lives the fantasy we dreamed of; reap the harvest we planted. And all we can do is think.. All we can do is wonder.. All We can do is ask.. What about US? What about our dreams? What about our fantasies? Has the world passed us by? Are we done? Or do we have a shot a redemption? Do we have at least one more run left?

If you are still reading this, it means you are feeling what I am saying! You understand my pain, you resonate with my frustration. And Most Importantly. You too are wondering? You two gotta know!! Can we recreate the magic? Can we reignite the past.. Can we once again return home?