If your native language isn’t English, then watch how you talk in your native language. No matter what your primary and secondary languages are, just pay attention to how you talk in your primary language. I didn’t realize how much I was like my family until I started to pay attention to how I speak in my native language (Cantonese).
I once read online that when people are in fits of anger, they will express what they are really thinking. Days, weeks, and even years of thought patterns will reveal themselves when someone is in anger. Even if your partner is acting like they can accept your bad habits, it is really just a conscious and temporary action. In their heads, they are increasingly irritated over who you are. When they’re angry, it all comes out. Don’t be surprised and feel like it’s all too sudden - it just means that your partner has been concealing their feelings all along. That’s why there even is the reason for anger.
Throughout this pandemic, I have been speaking English less and less and have found that when speaking in my native tongue of Cantonese, I am revealing all the beliefs and mentalities that make up who I am. In other words, the things I don’t want to be are actually who I am.
The reason why I say you’ll only see this happening when you speak in your native tongue is because you’re not thinking when you’re speaking. What you’re saying reflects who you are internally, unless you are consciously formulating your responses every second. Why doesn’t it happen in your secondary languages? The lack of fluency means that there is a delay between when you hear something, think of something, and say something. The more time taken to formulate a response, the more it is just your conscious thinking. In other words, it may be who you are trying to be but not who you are yet.
Check this example out.
I hate it when my father and mother always play the role of the victim. My dad thinks he is always being attacked by everyone, whether it is someone behind the cashier or even the president. Meanwhile, my mom feels like her illnesses are a result of other people’s curses. In her ethnic culture, it is very common to believe that “bad luck” (e.g. illnesses, lack of fortune, etc) stems from other people casting spells on you. It is definitely both a cultural thing, a symptom of her psychosis, and also a behavior symbolizing her inability to take responsibility for where she is now and get better.
Seeing how much I hate the beliefs and mentalities of both my parents, I would think that I don’t believe these ideas to be true. Yet, when I am speaking in my native tongue, I am talking without thinking. In other words, all the ideas of my parents come out of my mouth in those instances. And then, I realized that as much as I hold my defenses up against my family, it is nearly impossible to not get influenced by them. Ever heard of your 5 closest friends make up who you are? Well, the people you are around 24/7 or as often as possible are the people making up who you are - even if you dislike them. An annoying roommate’s repetition of their ideas will seep into your head inevitably. This is what we call an echo chamber.
Watch how it is you’re talking in your native language. Even if you feel like you are a certain person holding onto a system of beliefs, you may actually be a different person holding onto contradicting beliefs. This is why some people seem to say one thing and do another. They say what they want to consciously be, but it’s just not them yet. They are still the old selves they are trying to get rid of.