Unparalleled Optimism, Not to Be Confused with Denial

I'm not depressed but aware that the clouds, in the sky are just too somber, grey and gloomy.

I'm not depressed but aware that I'm just a little tired and tuckered out and whipped out all in one.

I'm not depressed but aware that the day just seems too heavy, and my heart is just down while the wind is just too gusty, and the rustling leaves sound like screaming banshees who insist on mourning a death that will not take place. I begin to realize how long I have been in hiding when the spirits start to claim me as there own mourning for me so loudly the other dead begin to stir upset that their sleep has been disturbed. Non mortem timemus, sed cogitationem mortis. I wanted to be pretentious, so I put it in Latin to hid the real meaning cause facing this idea makes it too real to me. But let's make my Latin into English and understand We (the constant voices in my head) do not fear death, but the thought of death. So I live and breath my denial because I'm not depressed but aware.

I'm not depressed but aware that I'm just exhausted, and that waking up seems like a challenge of astronomical proportions and I become the astronaut who is attempting to launch into orbit without enough fuel and without the proper coordinates. While I'm floating among The planets drifting along Aimlessly, I realize that everything is following a routine where everything goes as planned and where they don't need a reminder to solely function. I am Pluto, and I am drifting and then suddenly I am no longer considered a planet, but most undeniably still existing amongst the Gas giants forcing myself to remain apart of the performance that is our solar system.

In my mind, all these moments take place and since I am in space, no longer a planet but now an astronaut who is stuck on the shuttle and I am all out of rocket fuel. My imagination is traveling searching for something bigger I am, as of right now, laying in my bed contemplating a voyage to the moon and even though I'm trying to travel to the moon without rocket fuel and my helmet is cracked and my shuttle is just drifting aimlessly it still seems more natural than getting out of bed.

Meditating on the stars and connecting them is the distraction I need to recenter myself amidst the tangles of my bed sheets. Yet still, this simple task seems daunting and I'm in a place right now that simple day to day task starts to become a battle with a giant and I have no shield or slingshot...and even showering seems like an Olympic water sports event, and I'm in a final place, and everyone is yards ahead. So I take smaller steps as many as needed to be taken even if they feel pointless the object is just to keep moving forward.

The noises caused by the leaves and gusting winds, it is a nightmare scene that I am attempting to meet, and it feels crazy and pointless. I feel mad... and useless... I fear I have mistaken comfort for ease and fell into a well of complacency unable to step outside of my self-satisfaction to perform a much-needed self-examination and repair my many mounting errors and by hiding behind tedious distractions, I keep postponing everything...to do nothing, constantly procrastinating and then being shocked that nothing has been accomplished.

I drag myself out of bed, and I open my window because I refuse to Aeternum vale, this Latin phrase is farewell forever and right now I would rather say Te Visurum because seeing you soon sounds real and attainable because I fully believe that nothing is forever, not even death, All things carry even dead men languages spoken by the ones who seem to gain a sense of familiarity from the language of the no longer living. All the while I am still not aching to see the sun, and I am not yearning to feel the breeze on my skin. This feeling has become a part of the protocol and to continue under the guise of normalcy I keep going this route because I want to. I shower with searing water, I begin to stretch my hands and my feet to feel myself. I reach as if looking for a purpose because all epiphanies happen while bathing and having this manifestation helps me to feel something, and I cleanse my skin raw and I proceed on because despite that feeling I do it because I am not depressed but aware (or at least unable now to express that loudly) even if I am dragging myself through the day even if it feels like everything I'm doing is for nothing and that I don't matter. I continuously tell myself, even if I don't believe myself, that I am worth it, and I am loved, and I am cared for, that today is just a bad day, and if I just keep going then maybe I will believe myself when I say that I am not depressed...and that I am just tired.