Understanding Self-Esteem

Understanding Self-Esteem and Its Impact

by: T. S. Michaels

SELF-ESTEEM DEFINED

It is interesting how sometimes a person you have never met can walk into a room and you can detect if they have high or low self-esteem; a timid voice, poor social skills, a lack of assertiveness, or the opposite, like an aggressive nature all point to signs of low self-esteem. But a head held high, a wide smile, a confident humble kind demeanor, these are all qualities of someone with high self-esteem. Everyone wants it but unfortunately, we cannot achieve it by snapping our fingers. Self-esteem is a complex concept, so let us start with the definition.

Our self-esteem is based on how much we value ourselves and how confident we feel in life. To be clear it is different from self-confidence. Our self-confidence is wrapped up in our ability to do something successfully. Self-esteem is our sense of how worthy and capable we are. It refers to the extent to which we like, accept, and approve of ourselves. Now we all have higher opinions of certain aspects of ourselves and lower opinions of other aspects, so the question is where do these opinions come from.

The good news about self-esteem is that it is possible to improve with the right tools and an effort to change and with a newfound sense of self-worth we could become centered and confident in our true self.

Take a moment to reflect on some things such as specific areas you want to improve that affect your self-esteem. Perhaps your physical appearance and body image, your relationships, Confidence in the romance Department, work career and education, health and fitness, or your habits and behavior.

The idea here is not to judge ourselves. it is merely to gain insight. Deepening our awareness is the first step towards change. A change that will inspire a more balanced and positive reflection of who you are. Rather than berating yourself of short comings, learn to view them as opportunities for growth. Rather than accepting your critical beliefs as fact, learn how to challenge their validity and more regularly shower yourself with love and acceptance.

Remember that all your strengths and weaknesses make you human and unique. Every moment is an opportunity to grow in your self-acceptance.

THE DEVELOPMENT OF SELF-ESTEEM

Let us explore where this all comes from.

It is no surprise they are formed by various factors. Our achievements, our relationships, whether we are connected to a larger purpose. These are all contributing factors. But most of our opinions about ourselves were formed in our formative years. The events that took place in our childhoods and adolescence, largely mold our self-esteem. Our parents and the people who raise us have the most significance on how we feel about ourselves. For example, if we were fortunate enough to have parents who listened to us, respected us, commended our efforts, and offered us support, you would be likely to develop high self-esteem. But if we had family members who were harshly critical of us, if they were abusive or expected perfection, their hurtful comments may have lowered our self-esteem. Even if criticism that was directed at us did not hold any truth, they can stick with us sometimes for life.

Whether we were accepted or rejected by our peers, if we had allies or if we were bullied, all our experiences and interactions influenced the positive and negative feelings we have about ourselves. Our self-esteem is extremely fragile and impressionable. Negative messages have the potential to seep into our unconscious mind without us even recognizing it. The good news is that by examining those critical beliefs, we have the ability to challenge and transform them.

Often our critical beliefs are inspired by other people. Our parents, our peers, or through media and culture. There may be a specific event that influenced that notion. So, you may be able to trace that criticism or belief back to a time in your past. Regardless of whether you can recall the origin of the criticism, ask yourself the following question: ‘What if that belief isn’t true? Or, what if it is only a partial truth. What if it is an exaggeration or an assumption or maybe a misinterpretation and that belief is hurting us. Thoughts trickle into our unconscious mind and become part of our core beliefs. But the good news is that no matter how ingrained they are, it is possible to let them go. So, the next question is, are you ready to do that? Are you ready to release that criticism? Or are you at least willing to see how it would feel to be free of that belief.

Take a moment to visualize how it would feel to be free of that criticism. Imagine how it would feel to believe the opposite or true. Or if that is too farfetched, a kinder more balanced version of that thought. Just picture who you would be if you did not hold that critical belief about yourself. Try to sense how liberating it would feel to be free of that. What it would do to your self-esteem.

THE CORE BELIEFS

Let us look now at the number one factor Responsible for building or diminishing our self-esteem, our very own thoughts. See It is not our external situation that creates our self-worth, it is not the amount of money in our bank account, or the number on the scale. Those things contribute, but when it comes down to it, our self-esteem is based on what we tell ourselves. How we speak to ourselves is directly linked to how we feel. When our self-talk is neutral or positive, it is not generally a problem. But when our thoughts are self-critical, self-defeating, automatic and repetitions, they have the power to significantly diminish our self-esteem. We have grown so accustomed to hearing these things that we do not challenge them even though they may not be true. Out of habit we just keep repeating them over and over. For example, if we lack confidence in dating and romance, due to her past rejection, you might repeatedly think of yourself as inadequate and if so, it is unlikely you will ask anyone out again. But if we challenge that belief and we frame it with a more balanced compassionate 1 where we can congratulate our courage for taking that risk reminding ourselves that there are other fish in the sea and that we have plenty to offer the right person. That kind of healthy self-talk will raise our self-esteem. The more often our thoughts go by unchallenged, the stronger they become. So, we want to pay attention to our inner critic and as we talked about earlier start questioning the validity of our thoughts. Once we do that, we can take the next step and reframe them.

Take a moment to reflect on one the negative thoughts you might have. Now try challenging that self-critical thought and replace it with a kinder more balanced one. We want to challenge our tendency to overgeneralize, see things in black and white, or focus on the negative while discounting the positive. So instead of telling ourselves we are foolish for making a mistake, we might want to remind ourselves that we are human, it is okay to trip and we are learning. This can be hard to do at first, so helpful practice is to consider what you tell a friend who said the same thing period we tend to be far kinder and more compassionate to our friends than we are to ourselves. With that in mind take a moment to reflect on that self-critical statement and replace it with a kinder and balanced one.

The more we pay attention to our self-critical thoughts and believes the more skilled we become in capturing and re framing them. When that happens, we begin to see the person we deserve to see when looking in a mirror. And we start to feel the kind affection for ourselves in our heart.

THE POWER OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE

One of the key ingredients to healthy self-esteem is the practice of self-acceptance. That is because self-acceptance helps us feel good about ourselves independent of our flaws, mistakes, and failures. It helps us release our self-judgments and embrace all facets of who we are. Self-acceptance is unconditional so, suddenly we are not reliant on our achievements and accolades to build our self-worth. Free from the pressure to constantly fix ourselves, we begin nonjudgmentally affirming our qualities and attributes. Accepting our strengths and weaknesses. Imagine how liberating it would feel if our happiness and self-worth were not dependent on future oriented thoughts like ‘I'll be happy when’ or ‘once I achieve that I'll be successful’. Self-acceptance allows us to be satisfied with who we are and the status of our lives because our self-worth is not based on conditions. To be clear, with a healthy dose of self-acceptance, we do not suddenly begin ignoring or denying our faults or lose motivation to grow. We can accept ourselves as we are regardless of our shortcomings. You do not have to wait for something to change before we can like ourselves. The only thing we must change is how we view ourselves.

The more we develop nonjudgmental acceptance the more instinctual it would become in daily life. Developing this quality takes practice though. No change happens overnight. Most of our self-critical and berating nature has gone by unnoticed for years period the more we pay attention to our self-talk, the more we notice how hard we can be on ourselves. So, try paying attention to your level of self-acceptance throughout the day. Notice if you accept yourself as you are or if you are constantly judging yourself. Instead of telling yourself that you must be successful to have self-worth, see what it feels like to drop your judgments. Remind yourself that your value is not determined by your level of success. All you can do is do your best and that is enough.

HAVING SELF-COMPASSION

One of the key aspects of self-acceptance is self-compassion. In a nutshell, self-compassion involves being kind and loving towards the self. If we practice it, when we are going through difficult times, if we have a failure or recognized qualities about ourselves that we dislike, rather than judge it and criticize ourselves we offer patience and kindness. Instead of berating ourselves for mistakes, we practiced forgiveness. Knowing that we do not have to be perfect to have high self-worth.

There are three components of self-compassion:

1) The first one is kindness. So rather than being harshly critical we treat ourselves the way that we would a good friend with encouragement and love and patience.

2) The second component is common humanity. So, rather than focusing on how we are different than others self-compassion helps us view our similarities. We recognize that inadequacy's and perfections and challenges are all part of our shared human experience. Not just something that happens to us alone. It lessens our self-judgments and connect this to others.

3) The third aspect of self-compassion is mindfulness, which offers us a balanced perspective. It allows us to serve our experiences with openness and clarity. Helping us face and accept life without judgment or reactivity. Combined these three aspects of self-compassion provide a refuge from our critical mind and enhance power overall acceptance in life.

When we practice self-compassion, we offer ourselves better care period it inspires us to make nurturing healthy choices like staying fit in attracting loving respectful relationships. Instead of berating ourselves for mistakes, we offer ourselves forgiveness. Rather than focusing on our flaws, we let go of the need to be perfect. With compassion we are worthy just as we are.

Be mindful of your language. Whenever possible refrain your self-talk so it is kind, loving, and compassionate. Focus on what is positive in your life. Forgive yourself for mistakes and remind yourself that self-acceptance is where happiness lies.

THE BATTLE OF COMPARISONS

Interestingly there is a common belief that self-compassion may even be more valuable than self-esteem. While there is no doubt that low self-esteem is problematic, our efforts to achieve high self-esteem can also cause problems. The reason why is that in western culture, to have high self-esteem we have a sense that we must be special and above average. So, we start to compare ourselves with others to feel good about ourselves.

To prove we are better we become competitive not only that, but this heightened thought self of self-esteem is also contingent on our most recent success or failure. So, our self-worth is completely dependent on our circumstances. Self-compassion on the other hand, is unconditional. When we are caught in the game of comparison not only do, we strive to be better than others, but our perception is distorted. It is impossible to see the whole picture. We do not always know when models have eating disorders, we cannot always tell when successful people suffer from burnout. We would never guess that some of our happiest looking friends experienced depression. On social media we observe people’s accolades and achievements without being Privy to their challenges. We compare our worst moments with their best ones. Even when we are happy for other victories, our tendency is to fall into comparison. With a competitive mind the more success people have, the lower our self-esteem falls. We begin dismissing and devaluing our own self-worth. So, we want to drop our comparison habit and practice self-compassion.

Take a moment to reflect on the following statements to offer yourself some self-reflection.

May I be happy?

May I accept myself as I am?

May I be tender and self-forgiving?

May I let go of comparisons?

May I offer myself kind compassion?

As a way to grow yourself in self compassion, let go of comparisons in your daily life. When you fall into the habit and notice a separation from others increasing, and your self-worth diminishing, offer yourself kindness, patience, and acceptance of your humanness. The more you let go of social comparisons the deeper you will accept the unique aspects of who you are. Success, failures, and all.

THE QUEST FOR PERFECTION

One of the biggest impediments to healthy self-esteem, the quest for perfection. From the time we are young we are pressured to achieve perfection in school, our career, our relationships, and our physical appearance. In our attempt to obtain perfection, our attention is drawn towards our flaws. We berate ourselves for falling short and we are unable to let go of mistakes. Our relentless inner critic robs us of the ability to experience satisfaction and happiness even when we reach a goal. Our best is never good enough. This unattainable quest for perfection, diminishes our self-esteem because it does not allow us to accept who we are. Many of us have this idea that striving for perfection and constantly critiquing our flaws propels us towards success. But beating ourselves up does not further us towards our goals it depletes our confidence. Which makes us less likely to take risks. If we want to be happy, if we want our self to seem to grow, we must let go of our perfectionistic tendencies. We want to learn that our achievements do not equal our self-worth. The process is equally as important as the goal. Raising our self-esteem Involves appreciating all we can do and honoring all that we cannot. It involves recognizing our best IS good enough.

Try and release your quest for perfection. Release the need to be perfect. Release yourself critical views. Try and release everything that you are not and accept all that you are. Make these things an intention.

Changing our views and our perspective is no easy task. Raising one's self esteem requires patience, time, and effort. The ideas that we have about ourselves are often with us for years so keep an eye out for your inner critic. Be mindful of black and white thinking, of jumping to conclusions, and saying “should” far too often. Catch yourself when you have self-critical or self-defeating judgements in practice re framing those beliefs.

Surround yourself with loving friends who accept you. Celebrate your efforts, not only your achievements, but except that sometimes you will have a success and other times you will fail and neither outcome determines yourself worth. Drop the habit of comparison and invite self-compassion. Let go of perfectionistic tendencies and when you notice them, practice loving kindness. How is your acceptance of yourself grows, so will your self esteem

Be happy and healthy my friends.