Thoughts of a Strong 22-Year-Old Woman

I never dreamed life would be so hard. As a child, you think adults have it easy. You can’t wait to be one. I will forever reassure children being an adult is no fun. The only fun part is you don’t have any rules from your parents. However, I promise you will want those silly rules back.

It took me 22 years to get satisfied with how my life is going. I have strong ambitions and goals. I have a strong mindset, and a heart full of gold. Therefore, your bound to have fears and failures.

As an adult you learn fast that life moves too fast to have friends. Which in the end makes you feel about as small as a Skittle. I never realized in my years growing up how much I depended on making people like me. I tried and tried to fit a norm that I just didn’t. Life without friends is boring, but being someone you are not is even worse. Depression captures me most days, and won’t let go. I just wanna be free, but I’ll never be free as long as I live.

Depression makes you realize how lonely you are in the dark of night. You have that person who loves you with all their heart, and you still feel nothing. How can you love someone when you can’t even love yourself? What people don’t realize is depression only helps you feel no love for yourself, it doesn’t take away the love you have for the people in your life. You just learn to accept the fact you hate yourself, but for some reason people still love you.

Anxiety follows depression, and adds more pressure on to your life. You never feel the anxiety until it has you by the throat. You can breathe for a second, but you then look into anxiety’s black eyes. This makes you lose your air flow, and you start to see a black void. Then BAM! The light re-emerges out of the mercy of anxiety’s grasp, and you are safe for a brief moment in time.

The years move faster as you grow older. I don’t even feel like I enjoy the life given to me. My days move as fast as the speed of light. I find it harder to pull myself out of bed to even start my day. I don’t feel the floor as I place my sock covered feet upon it. I feel an empty room, and life because of how fast it moves. I don’t like it.

I don’t like it, because while I’m supposed to be having fun at 22-years-old, I’m studying. While friends are at the bar, I am at home reading words printed on a bland white paper. It eventually starts to blend in with the darkness. I lose control of my wandering thoughts, and I’m back at point A. Which is lost in the darkness trying to find the light to show me how to “Adult” again. I choose to be devoted to studies, but I wish this wasn’t so on my bad days.

I know as an adult I will have my good days and bad, so I do not fear the future. I fear the demons that come with life, and the falls I’ll have. I’ve learned to be resilient. I know I can stand back up again when life wants to continuously knock me down. I know that I can beat life at its own game. I know that I will be a fearless woman with in my life. Just life sometimes knocks you down, and you hate to continuously learn to get back up.

Always get back up, though, because if you don’t the darkness always wins.