The Truth

I am currently living in London for a month, prepping for a tour I am a part of, and so far it has definitely been eye opening! I can say, without reservation, that I am a work addict and I put way too much of my personal value in my day job, I have a relatively unhealthy relationship with myself (which is why I try to keep living life 1,000 miles a minute, so I don’t have to feel things), and also that writing more honest music has been a lot more than I bargained for. That being said, its a lot more than I bargained for in good and bad ways.

I have released two EPs, Skydive and The Devil I Know, and if you listen to all the songs you will hear a dominant theme—LOVE. Of course, what else would it be? You’ll also notice that mine aren’t happy love songs, I find that pretty unrelateable. After The Devil I Know, I wanted to challenge myself to a full album. But more than that I wanted to go deeper. The album is called Purgatory because I wanted to write about what’s in the middle. That awkward space when you aren’t in the worst place you’ve ever been, but it’s not all that great either. Instead of writing about love gone wrong, I wanted to write about loneliness and that feeling of “did I miss the boat?” Or “I really thought life would be different when I got here.” I wanted to write about my struggle with depression, my insecurities, the feelings of failure, because I am an almost 29 year old with no long term relationship, no kids, no house, and still pursuing a dream most people thought was ridiculous when I started at 23.

The emotional toll of writing these songs has left me absolutely devastated. Piles of crumpled paper have followed me as I ripped out page after page and said to myself “Don’t sugar coat it! That’s not honest enough!!” ROUGH. I started with a song called “How much does pretty weigh?” about what might be my greatest insecurity I have carried basically my whole life. I was overweight when I was young, really overweight. I wasn’t pretty like my sisters, and people made sure to point it out to me. I was bullied, my Dad was critical and I have carried that insecurity with me for years. Well, basically since I can remember.

I was too young to understand that my eating was an emotional coping mechanisms to a chaotic home life. All I could hear in various forms was “You are ugly” and “You will never be enough.” I was convinced that so much of my womanhood was founded around my appearance. I know a lot of women have grown to believe that. And even after losing 90 pounds, my thoughts didn’t change. I still hate being in pictures. I still obsess over the “roll” around my stomach. I beat myself up for eating poorly. Honestly, I am flat out mean to myself about it sometimes. I say and do things to myself I would NEVER ever allow my personal training clients to do. Talk about hypocrisy.

But that’s what Purgatory is for. Because I have worked with enough women to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I am not the only one who struggles to accept love because “why would they want someone like me?” I’m not the only one who thinks I will be happy once I just loose the belly fat, once I just get my skin a bit clearer. The problem is I look back on a few years ago when I was arguably in the best shape of my life... and I felt exactly the same. My weight isn’t the issue. The perception of myself is. Writing all this out, as it relates to appearance, aging, feelings of failure, depression, and confusion has helped me put the power back in my own hands. Because I would really LOVE to not have another 28 years of feeling ugly. I would love to not have to carry around the crushing weight of “less than"... I’ve literally wasted my 20s feeling all of that. And I don’t want it anymore. And I am hoping if I am honest enough, if I lean in enough, and I create something meaningful—maybe some other people can live without that burden too.

I started a song called “What They Never Told You” about what I would say to myself in high school, college, and after breaking off an engagement if I had the chance. Here are some of them (in less lyrical form):

1. You are beautiful, you don't have to look like your sisters.

2. Your value is bigger than your looks, your achievement, and your virginity. (I was raised under a very skewed manipulated version of Christianity so I will talk more on this later)

3. YOUR POWER IS UNLIMITED.

4. God loves you no matter how many mistakes you make.

There’s more but I will save that for the song...