The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Imagine if we aren’t really the stories we tell ourselves? That’s what I thought to myself last night, before I fell asleep. It was a heavier day than normal and something had triggered me, which arose a series of emotions. I could feel my walls rising as a shield myself to protect my soul and the pain transformed to anger. I’ve been here before; I know how the story goes—at least that’s what I told myself.

Since we’ve been children, we’ve been fed stories of who we are, who we should become, and a single “correct” pathway to get there. These stories shape who we become, as we grow up. It’s like telling a child with a learning disability, “You’re not smart enough.” When a child is told that more than once, they start believing it and it becomes their story, so that even when they grow up, they identify themselves with “not smart enough.” They live their lives thinking they’re “stupid,” because they absorb information in a different way. In reality, they are just as smart as the next guy in a business suit.

Grade six and Grade seven were my worst and best years in my elementary-middle school. I had a teacher who played favorites and another who was involved and encouraging. In one class I received constant phone calls to my parents about getting homework done, and the other I was a straight ‘A’ honor roll student and ran track for the first time.

As children, it’s natural to seek approval and conform to what we witness and what we’re told by authority figures but as adults, it’s up to us to unlearn what other peoples stories of us are, break the pattern, get out of that shell and be who we know we are.

"When we say things like 'People don’t change' it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying. It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication, that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change, that’s up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment we can be born all over again” — Dr. Meredith Grey

I went about my day and felt like being alone. It was Tuesday night when I headed home from the city, and after I grabbed a chocolate latte – I decided to watch a movie. Lets be real—I rarely watch movies or TV in general; I’m the 1 percent who doesn’t watch GOT (which is a good thing because apparently the season finale… LOL). But for the first time, I went to a movie theatre and watched a movie alone.

Such an insignificant move made me feel somewhat liberated. It reminded me of the time I used to go look at stars by myself, off a secluded street. I was told growing up that going out in the middle of the night was “bad,” yet the darkest nights have provided me with the most comfort. I would shrink when cars drove by, but overtime I realized, they were probably more scared of a random shadow standing in the midst of the darkness, under a tree alone than I was of them. I changed the story.

With time and experience, we grow and change. Who I was in my early 20s is very different from who I am now in my early 30s. The core of my soul is still the same, but the lessons I’ve learned throughout life have changed my views, my habits, and my priorities. I sat there and assessed myself; this isn’t my story. I wasn’t angry with anyone in particular, I was disappointed with myself. Those triggers arose to remind me what to avoid but also, what I needed to do, to change the outcome.

Self-compassion will always go further than high self-esteem because when we fall down, to be nurturing and compassionate to Self will help us heal faster. To rise after we fall, so we can keep going. We are more than the preconceived notions of society and the stories our parents, teachers, friends, strangers and the past have confined us to. You’re brilliant, you’re worthy and there’s no one in this world that can be you-er than you.

There’s a place I visit often in my mind, it’s calm, serene, and blissful—yet it only appears when I distance myself from this world. Maybe the story that’s worth living isn’t the one told by the passengers in our lives, maybe the real story of our lives is the one that’s hidden within, waiting to be unleashed—by YOU.

Love always,

Jasbir Malhi