How death and mental illness caused my recent setback.
This Past Summer
If you asked me right now what I did this past summer, I would tell you I did nothing. I just worked and help out with family. If you could read my mind, you will get a completely different answer. You would get many depressing answers, with the side of screaming and crying.
This past summer, I lost both my grandparents. My grandfather had kidney failure from Type 1 Diabetes and my Grandmother lost her battle with throat cancer. They lived in Florida, so we took at least three trips down South to be with family and deal with estates.
I went back to work after all the multiple trips down to the Sunshine state. I went back to a world that I know so well. I thought I was going to go back to normal, but I was a different person. This person has become cold but cried on cue. This person, who thought they knew what death felt like, is now numb and wanted to stop the world from going on. The thing is, after a couple of months of sleepless nights and pushing people away unintentionally, I can now see this person.
It all started with being late for work today. This is the second day this week that I am late. The week before, I was almost late for three days in a row. At this moment, I would not be surprised if my boss has written me up and I get called in for a counseling session. I could even get let go with all the days I have been late coming in to work. In the world of business, the numbers will add up fast no matter the employee's work ethic.
It was when I got home that it hit me. This past summer changed me so much that I don’t care anymore. There will be many moments in the day when a numb feeling will wash over me, leaving me a victim of my thoughts. This summer has stolen “me” and I am now a hollow shell. I blink and breathe like normal. I still have anxiety, but it seems disparate in the sense that I either have anxiety all the time or I’m just not dealing with the events that happened a few months ago.
"Time heals all wounds"
Todd Rundgren said, “Time heals all wounds,” but can I agree with this statement? I have dealt with death in my past, in separate times of my life. I have lost a friend and family members. I was the one who answered the early morning call concerning my family’s pet’s passing. I have been there letting time do its thing. The only thing I have to say about “time heals all wounds” is that time is not what makes death easier to handle, it’s shared experiences with another person.
Death is a natural state of life. It will happen to everyone and everything in this world. The idea of history rides on the nature of death. Death is beautiful and poisonous, with the intent to bring change positively and negatively. I can only see it one way: death wants to take my heart and put in a blender. Death takes and takes from my self-worth until I’m nothing. Here I am though, accepting this treatment.
I pack my feelings and thoughts away in a cramped corner of my brain until I lose my identity. My self-care becomes not caring for my health and waiting for feelings again.
This is where I explain my setback. My setback is not a permanent one. I have no fear that I will come back, but I first needed to realize that I was changing even when I was blind to the change. It is time to analyze and see how I can connect with the changes I am going with right now. I am cynical about everything right now, but I will not stay that way. I have moved on in the past concerning struggles in my life. I will be okay, but I am not okay right now.