The Pursuit of Satisfaction
"Many things interested her, but nothing satisfied her completely."
In a world of people who constantly want the next best thing, you find yourself slowly becoming them. I once told myself that I would never compare what I have now, to what I don't; but like many promises I've made to myself — I broke that rule a long time ago. It wasn't something that I tried to do. No one strives to never feel satisfied. In our human nature, it is coded in our desire DNA to always want to seek satisfaction. Whether it be physical, mental, financial, or social. We all strive to feel satisfied in ourselves, because at the end of the day... if you aren't happy with what you've done, what are you?
The beginning of my 20's was spent in a incredibly long relationship. I tied myself down at 19 with a man I met and almost immediately fell in love with. At this time, I didn't know I would spend the next five years with this person. I didn't know that this relationship would shape how I functioned for the remainder of my life. We don't think about love, we jump into it. It's much like taking a deep dive into the ocean. We know it can be treacherous, but if over thought, we will never do it. So I leaped, and I fell... hard. Being in a long, serious relationship at a young age affects everyone differently. Some people have children, get married, and engulf on their journey and purpose, while others fizzle out, and start to question everything around them. As years passed, me and the man I loved grew apart. At the very end of it, falling out of love was so painful. I don't think people realize exactly how much it hurts till they go through it. Falling out of love isn't a over-night process. It's something that happens month by month, and eats away at you. You start to wonder why the person you once saw as the center of the universe, begins to become a spec and burden to your existence. It hurts, because you don't choose to fall out of love; much like falling in it — you don't think about it. It just... happens.
We fast forward a year and so many months after the relationship is over and I find that I have evolved every single day, every minute of every single day. I find that my evolution process was put on hold during my relationship. Because when I was in it, it was about us, not me, which means I didn't get to be selfish and grow, and learn about me — at an age where we are allowed to be selfish. So once I was on my own, I had to figure out who I was and what I wanted. I'll be the first to tell you, I had no idea, and sometimes I still don't.
Evolving and seeing your mind and perspective change is a beautiful and dangerous thing. Sometimes you wake up and look yourself in the mirror, thinking "Who is this? I'm manning the vessel, but I don't recognize the ship." For me this entire time up until now, has been a constant chase. A chase for satisfaction. I find myself going through different people, things, places, and for a moment... I'm happy, but then the hunger begins again. I don't know exactly what it is that makes me feel unsatisfied, other than a tiny little tick in my brain that screams "MORE."
Much like a drug addict, I'm addicted to a point where it's taken over. Where the thrill of seeking satisfaction is a reflex. Even though I'm not addicted to something dangerous like meth or heroin, being addicted to change can be just as scary. You find yourself on different paths every week, waking up in different beds, looking at different faces. You can't wrap your head around what you're doing, all you know is that you want to do it more. You begin to get comfortable in this form of uncertainty. You begin to feel a certain safe space. When things remain the same, and peoples' faces start to be recognizable, you want to run. You don't want to feel or recognize because the urge to see new is beating at the back of your head.
I used to be able to watch movies that I liked over and over again. I would never get tired of them; but now in my newfound state, I find that everything and everyone has an expiration. Whether they set the date or I do. Nothing is capable of satisfying me enough to get a second round, and for those things I feel that might satisfy me... I run. I run as far away as I possibly can or I ruin it without even trying. I separate my instinct from my desire. The thought of someone or something being continuous scares and shocks me. I wouldn't be able to tell you why, because I don't even know.
Satisfaction is defined as "fulfillment of one's wishes, expectations, or needs, or the pleasure derived from this"; my satisfaction is never fulfilled, my needs are never met, but I get pleasure off of trying. This is a choice I've made unknowingly in the back of my head. Even aside from the choice, when you're evolving into a new state, coming from one where you stayed stagnant... I don't believe satisfaction is possible. You are always new. Every moment you wake up, you are a new you. How can you be satisfied when every day you want and feel something else than the day before?
Have you ever seen the fountains that "recycle water". There's a pool below that feeds into the fountain and the fountain is a continuous stream feeding back into it? Currently, I am that stream. I am wild but I tamed, I am on a path, but I am always moving, yet... every time I end up right back where I started. My chase has yet to end, and perhaps its because I'm missing a key component or perhaps, it's because I'm not fully satisfied with myself. Maybe I've used everyone else as an excuse, and it's really me that I'm unhappy with; but in this moment, in this time... I look at myself and I smile. I'm genuinely proud of the woman I'm becoming, and I'm proud of the progress that I've made... but until that is enough, I will continue searching for more. I will trace my steps, I will create new ones, but one thing I will never do is stand still. The journey is a blur and my purpose is unknown. However, with each new adventure, each new attempt to be satisfied, I find myself getting closer and closer. The glass is filling up; it was never a question of it being half empty or half full. It just was. ~