The Possibilities of Uncertainty

I quit my job. Finally. I'd been saying the job was temporary for at least two years, and yet I did nothing about it, I didn't look for anything else, I didn't apply for anything - hell, I barely let myself even dream about doing what I wanted to. I was afraid I guess. And stuck. I felt that I had responsibilities to uphold, loyalties to adhere to, in fact looking back I'm pretty certain I invented a plethora of reasons I couldn't leave in order to hide how afraid I was of failing (as failure seems to be the one thing constant in my life - and I guess the thought of another failure was unbearable). Well guess what... you could say that I have failed again. It doesn't feel that way though.

I quit my job, I've been rejected from the ones I've applied for, I have no income and absolutely no idea how I plan to pay any of my bills - but I've never been happier. Okay, perhaps that's not exactly true; I can think of several instances in which I've been happier. Most of them are from when I was much younger, or when I have been with my friends doing something irresponsible, or generally not caring (or even considering) the consequences. Maybe I have been irresponsible, maybe I should have waited to leave until after I had secured another job. But I didn't, and no matter the possible consequences I can't find it in myself to regret my decision. And I won't.

I've finally done something for myself, with my own happiness being the only consideration - and you know what? If that constitutes a failure, I'm absolutely fine with failing. I'm at a stage where figuratively the world is my oyster. I say figuratively because it's not as though I can run off into the sunset, or head off on a solo trip around the world right now. What I can do though is decide, I can decide what it is that I actually want, what I want to do, what I want in life - what I want my life to be.

Am I worried? I don't know. No. Probably. A bit. It varies. But do I feel free? Abso-fucking-lutely. I feel as though I can breathe again, as though it doesn't matter if things get hard (and believe me, I think they will). I feel like I'm in control again, I knew I wasn't on the right path for myself - I don't know what path I want to be on, but I'm sure as hell going to find out. Who knows how many paths I'll travel until I find the one for me - maybe I won't find one - maybe I'm not meant for one specific path.

I have no idea where I will be in a year from now, I don't even know where I will be in a month from now, but what I do know for sure is that I don't care. Perhaps this sounds self-destructive, but trust me when I say I've been down that path a thousand times before and this isn't it. I can't be sure I won't end up on that path again - in fact I assume I will at some stage or another, but not now.

Now is good. Now is great actually. I'm not scared of failing anymore. I'm not scared of doing what's right for me. I don't have all the answers, in fact you could argue I don't have any of them - but who needs them? Really?

I think the most important thing is being happy, a cliché, I know. I do. But seriously, what's the point if we aren't happy?

Take a chance, take the leap and see what happens - we aren't here all that long, so why waste time doing something that makes you unhappy?