The Need for Constant Validation

In today’s society, we sometimes look at others for external validation. Whether that validation is about our outfit of the day, Instagram posts, who we date, or bigger life decisions such as moving cities or quitting our jobs. When I first started therapy, I never noticed how often I was looking for outside validation from someone else that I was on the right “path” in my life. Once I started to really look within and understand my self-sabotaging behaviors, I started questioning my thoughts, and one phrase I repeated to myself often: “How is someone else supposed to know that I’m doing the right thing for me? The only person that can validate that I’m on the right path is myself.” I still catch myself with self-doubting thoughts, but for a really long time, I was at a point in my life where I couldn’t trust myself to make decisions, big or small.

It wasn’t until a few years into therapy that I noticed how frequently I was reaching for external validation. I was never confident in myself to say, “You look great in this outfit,” or “Post that picture on social media, you don’t need outside validation that it will get enough likes,” or “What will my friends or family think of the person I’m dating.” I never was going deep inside and questioning why I need someone else’s opinion to satisfy or relieve my anxious thoughts. I also didn’t have any opinions on my own life. Since I was so used to looking outside for advice, instead of sitting in my thoughts and understanding them, I never actually knew what I wanted in life. I’d rely on others for their advice rather than working on solving my own problems.

“An amazing thing happens when you stop seeking approval and validation: You find it. People are naturally drawn like magnets to those who know who they are and cannot be shaken!”—MANDY HALE

I’d call my friends or family for their advice, when I knew in my gut what I should do. I would constantly be nervous about bringing new men I was dating around my friends or family, and really took their opinions to heart, instead of trusting my gut. I had a really hard time trusting my own intuition, and would rely on others for their opinions.

With this thought that I was not capable of making my own decisions, it really hurt my healing process. The need for constant validation hurt my relationships (both romantic and platonic), my sense of self, and my growth. I would take the opinions of others as facts instead of simply what they were: just another opinion from someone who is not me. This idea really shook me. I had friends tell me their opinions of the men I would date if they did not approve, and their beliefs about my mental health. Instead of thinking this is their opinion, not the truth, I’d drive myself absolutely crazy thinking there is something wrong with me because of what a few people said.

I really hit bottom when I couldn’t get a grasp on what was reality versus opinion. This resulted in a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors because I just couldn’t trust myself in understanding what was real and what was the opinion of another person.

Therapy, and my small group of friends/family, has been one of the only aspects of my life that I can open up and start to learn how to trust myself so I don’t need the external validation. The biggest thing I learned throughout this process is someone that loves you unconditionally will trust that you are able to make your own decisions that are most appropriate for you.

I’m hoping that with continuing regular therapy and opening up to people who are truly on my side, that I can conquer this self-limiting thought that I am not good enough and I am capable of fully trusting myself. I know in today’s society a lot of people struggle with this concept. I’m here to say it’s not easy to dig deep inside and realize a lot of hard truths about yourself, but it’s so rewarding to have the awareness to get better and heal the parts of yourself that are causing blockages in your life.