The Light in My Darkest Hour

I want to start off by saying in no way is my goal here to try to convert anybody, I am simply sharing my personal experience. If you are not of Christian faith then I hope you take the general lesson from this reading and are able to apply it through your own beliefs, whatever they may be, mine just so happens to be in Jesus Christ.

Some background about me: I grew up constantly moving and with no specific strong religious view around me but mentions of Jesus here and there, yet I had never been given a Bible. My parents divorced when I was very little, and both of them moved frequently. When I started middle school I realized there was one thing every school had, a library. I decided this would be my refuge and security, until I realized not every school had the same books. But then eventually I realized every school library has a Bible as it is a great source for research papers being the most quoted book in the world. So for the sake of something familiar, I began reading and I felt drawn to it, and so I formed my faith in Christianity.

This faith stayed with me until the end of high school. I saw so much hate and damage in the world, so many terrible things, and I thought to myself a truly loving God could never allow this. One little thing after another, I found a mountain of excuses to turn my back on my beliefs. For some time I picked up Paganism and dabbled in Wicca. That time I spent I don't regret because I learned a lot and have grown a lot of respect for the cultures and religions and made lifelong friends even if we now have different beliefs. After this time passed I had said I was Christian, went to church, got baptized, read my Bible now and then, but I didn't truly accept Christ into my heart. It was just a mask used to lie to myself.

A few years passed and I found myself in the position of being a mother, something I knew I wanted. But what I didn't know was just how difficult my postpartum depression would be. The man of my dreams was by my side, we had family support, but yet still everything felt impossible. To this day I still can't make sense of it, and I still struggle. However, the difference is now I have restored my faith.

With all other possible options exhausted, I turned to the Lord. For the first time in over two years I got down on my knees, hands folded, eyes closed, head bent, tears running down my cheeks, and I sincerely prayed. That moment is still so fresh and distinct in my memory. I remember saying in my prayer that I wasn't even sure what I was praying for, I just needed help, something to get me from each sunrise to sunset and to sunrise again.

It was after this prayer that the most inspiring Bible verses would suddenly pop in my head when doubt and pain surrounded me. There was no explanation I could fathom for some things, but then I remembered I don't need to understand every detail because in the Bible Proverbs 3:3-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." That had been my problem, I had been trying to lean on my own understanding instead of trusting in the Lord. Then I doubted again for just a split second as I thought of how chaotic my life is, how was this God who never appeared in mans form before my own personal eyes going to help me? And then while remembering the Proverbs quote and Matthew 11:28 simultaneously which says, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." I fully surrendered and opened my heart to Jesus Christ.

There are days where postpartum depression still haunts me, but I know now that the burden is not on me alone. Also, returning to Jeremiah in 29:11 which says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.", I know that God has already laid out a plan for me and knows my troubles. He knows my struggles and hears my prayers. His help is readily available like a spiritual 911. But just as in the assistance of first responders, you have to pick up your phone to dial 911, I needed to pick up my faith to call on God.

The depression I felt truly was the darkest and deepest pain I had ever felt, and still is when it comes around. Constantly struggling in what felt like an uphill battle, my faith has brought enormous peace to my life and helped me lessen the burden. It has allowed me to feel born again and acquire a strength I never knew. There is still pain, but there is even more hope, and an even greater faith. While my physical body wanders the Earth, my soul knows its home. In my darkest hour God the father, Jesus Christ the son, and the love of heavenly grace has been my light.