As we sat in his rental car he opened the boxes of Marvel Mighty Beanz he had purchased for his peeps (aka: children). If the number of toys weren't exact, he would give me the extras. Some were meant for cute reminders and others I would give to my son. On this occasion he handed me a bright blue one. I assumed it was because it was the only girl in the box. At that point in my life I had very little knowledge of Marvel characters. I didn't even realize it was a super hero thing.
Yeah, I am seriously that much of a non-nerd in that aspect in my life!
Over the years the bright blue Marvel Mighty Beanz sat in my jewerly box. Time after time, I would push it aside to find a matching pair of earrings or a much needed back piece. Of course some days I would stop to ponder memories with him but mostly it had become a fixture within my earring pile for over ten years and didn't invoke much thought.
I have recently had my eyes opened by the universe. Yes, I know that sounds a little out there but give me a minute to explain. The past several years I have experienced some major events. I am not sure many of you could or would want to say that you survived a natural gas explosion while walking away without even a scratch.
I would say that is pretty darn lucky in some odd way!
This truly was the catalyst that pushed me to go after my dreams. Not like on a kind of scale but to put all of my time, energy and effort into who I wanted to be.
A freelance writer and best selling author... Epic Right?!?!
Well, I may have not yet mentioned I am in my mid 40's. I do not have a college education nor do I have any relative experience, other than writing poetry for over 20 years. Recently, it was this website (vocal.media) that sent my passion for writing in overdrive. Having one of my creative writings published as a top story (The Dating Diary of a 40 Something Year Old) within the first 30 days of signing on made my mind and heart align. My heart has always believed I had a talent for writing but it was that gray matter between my ears that told me other wise. "What kind of talent is poetry", "You will never sustain the lifestyle you dream of by writing"!
It was the long nights in my empty home that allowed the gray matter to win. To put enough doubt inside me that I no longer felt the energy to jump off the deep end. As I began to write down my dreams and monitor my timelines I was completing... I began to notice odd things happening around me. First was the number sequences. The same number in group clusters. Not just once or twice but over and over in a day. Then there were the playing cards... the back reflected the cards were clearly from different decks but on the flip side the '7 of hearts', found as I was walking. Every time one of this strange events would transpire, I began mentally creating a list. One that clearly was proving to be trying to tell me something.
As if the universe was trying to make a collect call to my soul and I was denying the charges!
I guess you could say I was a stubborn learner because it took the universe pile driving me into the ground before I understood I needed to accept the collect call. No matter the cost! I am aware that I just aged myself with that analogy but it truly is a great description to fit the current events. The moment I started putting myself first I struggled badly. It felt so freaking selfish!
News Flash... it was!
That was exactly what I was trying to be shown. I had reached a point in my life that it now was not only okay but the only way I was going to start living this thing called life. My children were young adults building their own lives. Relationships with family members that were once my best-friends were now distant memories and my friend circle had become a dot on a piece of paper. The chaos of all the events that transpired after the house explosion had put me into a state of madness. I had gone through so much and it honestly left me begging what ever higher power there was to please have mercy on me!
It was within my tear stained face that I felt an energy inside of me that told me I was not meant for such sadness. That the only way I was going to find my peace and happiness was to start filling my own bucket. To stop depleting myself for others. The love I was giving out to others was destroying me. It was also being thrown back into my face as being toxic, crazy, unwell... ugh! It didn't matter what I said or did. It was proving to be wrong to the outside world. I had to physically tell myself, out loud to not listen to the background noise. I had to push myself into a state of loving myself on every level.
"I PUT THE C IN EPIC"
I felt as if every choice I had made was wrong for the direction I wanted to go. So instead of "WWCD" What would Crystal Do... I began jokingly saying "WWCND" What would Crystal not do! I know it sounds super cheesy but it actually worked for me! The minute a situation presented itself and I was getting frustrated by the one sideness of it all... I would remind myself "WWCND" and follow it! It took the complication of my emotional attachments and guilt trips away from the equation. It was becoming easier to make everything about myself and start behaving in ways that were only positive reflections of me. I began loving myself!
The entire month of January the universe had been putting the #4 in front of me. I am still not sure I fully understand the meaning behind that but I am aware there is some form of message within it. On top of that universal code, everything and everyone around me had gone away. Most in drastic, heart bending ways. I no longer had any strings attached to anything and was free to go and be wherever I decided I want to be.
Such an exciting and yet, very scary gut feeling!
That state of body and mind had put me into mini mental downs a few times. You know the hot mess crying as you pace back and forth across the hardwood flooring (partially installed). Not sure if I was doing the right thing by chasing my dream or if I had truly lost my mind. Then the universe once again began to speak to me.
Yes, I still am aware that each time I say that you are mentally leaning towards the "She lost her mind" vote.
However, I can say without a shadow of a doubt... I am beyond words crazy! Ha! I am crazy about love, kindness, peacefulness, and for anyone who has the guts to do what it takes to make their dreams real!
It was one of those very types of days that had my mind holding me hostage and all I could really do was stare off into space as my brain tried to complete math equations in a foreign language. Nothing was making much sense or was really worth the wasted energy on all the nonsense... yet, there I sat in a trance. I had recently redone my mater bathroom and put my jewerly into small glass containers with black metal lids. In my trance a bright blue object caught my attention. It was the Marvel Mighty Beanz. I jumped up to grab the container and twist the lid to grab the toy. Oh, how much I missed him. I knew him of anyone would know exactly what to say to me right now!
As I held the blue pill shaped toy in my hand... I began to sob! The insane kind of crying that made me sound like a creature of the night. Unable to contain my sobbing sounds, I felt something so deep inside of me break. I craved his presence and friendship in the current state of me stronger than I had ever felt before.
I slumped down onto my bed as I slowly began to feel numbness grow inside of me. My reflection could be seen in the full length mirror on the wall. I squeezed the toy in my hand as if I was able to convey my emotional state directly to his heart. I opened my hand and noticed fine print writing. I squinted to attempt to read the small letters.
#36 - Invisible Woman
Huh? Why would he had given me a toy with such a name? I know our relationship was top secret but was this a way to mock me? I rolled the toy over and on her chest in large print...
This moment took me days to process. Knowing he was a true fan of me... I knew it had to be a positive sign for me. I had lost almost all of my material things. This included sentimental things burned in the fire. I was having to let go or was being let go by those I loved so deeply. Everything and everyone that matter was disappearing. I felt no matter what I said or did... no one was truly seeing me for me. I had become invisible!
Freaking... yes! That was it! I had felt so invisible and I craved to be seen.
Now I am currently packing what I can fit into my car (including my * month old puppy, MESO) and selling everything that is left. I have a destination mapped on my GPS from my home state to the farthest possible state I can drive to without drowning...
I know somewhere within those miles there is a place I was meant to be or that was meant for me. The interstate might not exactly be a yellow brick road but I know if I follow it... !!!!
"You had the power all along, my dear" ~ Glenda the Good Witch