The Importance of Being... Honest

Today I sat at a coffee shop right next to a couple on a Tinder date. Ugh. It does happen quite a lot. Those Tinder people seem to pop up everywhere. I try not to eavesdrop on whatever people are talking about, but holy shit, is it usually awkward and polite and oh so dull, that I feel close to obligated to activate a fire alarm, so we can just evacuate the entire coffeeshop and maybe save the last part of the human race, who still shares a grain of faith in love and conversations that doesn't make you wanna cut your wrists after five minutes.

I honestly imagined Tinder as this place you went looking for sex. Apparently not or else I just witnessed the stiffest foreplay since an episode of For Love & Money (but hey, I can excuse a forced dating situation when there are million dollar bills involved).

So while I sat there, I was about to write an application for some performance jobs. And as per usual you are asked to write "a little bit about yourself." Double ugh.

As I started writing I suddenly realized I was no better than the guys next to me on the date. These poor people whom I was emailing were just about to receive the most impersonal email in the history of mankind, completely drained from anything that would make me seem unique. You know the drill. "Hey, my name is... My age is... I work part-time and sometimes I walk a dog and take down the trash and blah blah, wait a minute, why the fuck would you care?"

It just hit me. In all these years of auditioning, all those endless rows of casting videos and job interviews and voice samples and registration emails—I have been the boring Tinder date!

No wonder I never got into drama school when all I ever gave those judges to work with was just as good as "Hello stranger, whom I picked based on a photo on a mobile app, this is forced chemistry and we both kinda wanna get laid, but you'd also make me feel a little numb afterwards and maybe we'll become a couple since there's nothing better around and frankly I'm too busy to go look for love, so I guess Netflix and chill will do and maybe in time we'll learn to love each other even though all I know about you is how many siblings you have and the name of your first Golden Retriever, but as long as you're not a serial killer I guess I can settle 'cause the clock is ticking and all that jazz."

It occurred to me that anything I would be able write on a dating profile or a casting site or even on my own website—everything I am on paper—is basically pretty unimpressive. My appearance and my very shell is so normal it hurts. Just to cut the crap, my life is not at all interesting looking from the outside in.

So everything that matters—anything worth something and all that I've got to offer at this stage—is what I've got in my head.

Luckily, I can tell you that it's all fucking Disneyland and multi-colored unicorns. Like a Katy Perry wet dream.

So I deleted my formal, proper application and wrote this instead:

"Hi, my name is Lea and I am old enough. People usually tend to tell me the opposite though. Which kinda makes me wanna infiltrate the ball pit at McDonald's just to get the satisfaction from finally being told that I'm too old.

Here's a bit about myself as requested. I know you probably get a lot of emails, so I will try not to bore you:

1. I'm one of those people who gets off at the smell of basement. Not sexually, but more like I wanna just eat or lick the walls, you know? That does sound massively perverted actually.
2. I sorta wanna buy myself a parrot someday just so I can teach it to say "I love you, Maria" and then give it a name change every once in a while depending on who I'm crushing on at the moment.
3. I write one line every day about something that annoys me. Not to stay bitter, but to turn my bitterness into something light. Today's line is "Old man sitting on a bench wearing a sixpence the wrong way around and eating popcorn very slowly." Fuck, that annoyed the shit outta me and I have no idea why. But it cracks me up to think about it.
4. I admit that I often write and say weird stuff just to write and say weird stuff, but I try to twist it into something seemingly clever since I already look too much of a bimbo.
5. I'm a kick-ass singer. I guess that's the most relevant thing to write in this letter after all. Plus that I'm mentally stable.

Kind regards,

Lea Fritsche"

I usually don't believe in weirdness for the sake of weirdness. For instance I once went to this audition where the director wanted me to portray a lovely girl who was utterly special and quirky and would do anything a little bit different from other people. So he told me to hold a cup of tea in a "different" or "strange" manner. And I replied that I wouldn't 'cause then I'd burn myself and that would not make any sense.

So you see, I still got a few brain cells to play around with (and my nervous system is working correctly, which is also splendid).

I don't know if they'll write me back or swipe onto the next one. But as I'd say to anyone who dares to show a little personality:

"If they don't, they just weren't the right ones, honey."

*Mic drop and Fritsche has left the building*