The “If, Then” Trap: How It Keeps You Unhappy and How to Avoid It

Being an empty nest (the children have grown up and left home), I have recently realized that I have fallen in love with young children again.

After going through all the stages of children, and surviving them (especially adolescence), I took a temporary suspension of children. Skiing, mountain biking, hiking, gardening, and reading - it's all full of stuff I forgot about: just my time.

Now, unexpectedly, they are back! It is tiring, it is fun, and it is a source of endless encouragement.

A few doors down west I have new neighbors - Parker, his brother, and his parents. Parker shouts my name as I pass by, waves trying hard to cross his car seat as his Mom passes by, and marches enter my yard as if he owns a place.

It's full of "What's that?" and “Why are you doing this?” questions. Needs to show me - no, they want to show me - whatever he has in his hand. Where you got it, what you do, and why it is so important!

I have to admit that I was a little upset about this mini-interloper at first. But it wasn't long before I was bewitched with the help of any child charms she weaved.

Parker is full right now, fun, and exploding with joy. What I quickly noticed, staring back at myself, was how I was (fun and yet).

Even if I sign up for a habit of being there, it’s usually a better thing than a habit. Every day there is a "to-do list." What I need to do, keep everything moving, and (in my mind) keep everything going.

I plan, plan and, well, worry about whatever comes next. Finally, when it is all over and done, there is a great sigh of relief. Now I can move on to the next thing. Anyway, when I go to the next thing the cycle starts all over again!

I have come to realize that this daily snare makes me truly unhappy and gives me a sense of accomplishment. That's what I call "If, then You Become a Trap." It is a real trap for happiness.

"If, Then Trap" goes something like this

If I can just finish this, then I can relax…

If I was at home too much, then the kids would be happy….

If I had more money, we would be very happy…

The more I exercised, the happier I would be ...

If my son only worked hard at school, then I would feel better…

The interesting thing about "If, Then Be A Trap" is that it's just a story. It's a matter of deciding what things will mean.

When I do yoga, I intervene, or just walk in the mountains, and I quietly align with the present, which I notice is not a problem. Everything is OK! What is unusual about this is that nothing has changed.

So why is there such a deep feeling of satisfaction in these standing times when the external conditions that keep us in the drama remain the same?

Here's what I think: discussing the mind, the stories we tell ourselves, and the decisions we make all mean that we are emotionally involved in the story we are telling ourselves.

It’s a viscous cycle: interpretation, and the emotional response that feeds directly into the story, the story grows and the emotions that emerge make us unhappy.

Obviously, for now, happiness just happens. The unhappiness was done. Chuang Tzu was right: Happiness is the absence of the struggle for happiness.

As I finished writing this Parker appeared on my street.

"What are you doing ???" he shouted.

“Happy writing,” I said.

“Why? Happiness is easy! ”He shouted, selling the invisible