The Happiness Trap

First let me start off by saying that I truly am one of the most positive, kind hearted people. I think that the world is a beautiful place, despite all of the ugly things people do and the unfortunate things we can’t control. However, the past few years, living with this mindset has been so mentally exhausting. I have been constantly tested and internally conflicted. I am trying to keep my goggles rose colored, while simultaneously trying to figure out who I am supposed to be after going through the trials and tribulations life keeps throwing my way, as well as the anxiety/depression I naturally live with. How can there be so much darkness and sadness under something that’s so determined to be happy ?

Remember getting asked as a child,

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” followed by, “You can do anything you put your mind to.”

My answer was always ,“Happy. I want to be happy.” Happiness seemed to me the simplest concept, even after being birthed by two of the biggest pessimists you could ever meet. Two individuals weighted down with so much regret, negativity, and excuses.

At a young age, the many losses my family experienced taught me how short life really is. I learned how easy it was to lose parts of your life before even being able to appreciate them. Because of this, my biggest fear is and always has been, TIME. Like the seasons it comes and goes and there is no way to predict it. Being afraid to waste any time in this short, unpredictable life feeling anything but a positive emotion, my friends is how I fucked myself into the Trap of Happiness.

It became subconsciously habitual to shrug off anything that dampened my "floral vibes." I was living the definition of “unbothered.” What I didn’t expect, was that it would leave me more lost in life than the average 22-year-old. My whole adolescence until now was just living for the moment. Living for the story. YOLO. Naturally that means suppressing every negative feeling and traumatic experience I’ve had happened, but in turn never actually dealt with.

Who saw that coming?

Apparently my therapist.

2017 finally broke me. Eventually, it was a heartbreak to end me. Even after all things experienced through a very fast upbringing.

A heartbreak. SMH.

The light in my happy soul turned out. If the color black were a feeling, I felt it. I found myself driving recklessly everywhere, screaming my heart out and beating my steering wheel night after night. Living with manic depression for over a decade couldn’t even prepare me for this sensory overload of sadness. As a matter of fact, my obsession with happiness and my assumption that it should be a natural state, only contributed to my depression and anxiety more. But this...this felt natural.

Every demon that has been clawing their way out through spurts of self expression, only to be suppressed with fake smiles and social media posts was FREE.

It turns out I had wasted SO much time after all... I had given it away to all things temporary; people, moments, highs, satisfactions, all for the state of happiness. Not even thinking about tomorrow because it made me smile in the moment. Here I was, not even knowing what feelings meant or how they should be expressed, not knowing what I wanted out of life, or what is even important to me. Life begins when you can answer those questions.

Sometimes it is necessary to suffer short-term for a better long-term. Growth.

Learning to be happy through the natural colors of the world rather than rose colored. Growth.