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The Fear of Reflection

The Journey to Self-Discovery and Self-Love

By Align and Incline Ash and IndiaPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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As a 29-year-old American woman of mixed descent, daughter of a lesbian, who has never met her biological father, my entire life has been about trying to figure out who I am in a society where it’s not easy to be accepted when you’re different from the “norm.” As a child I grew up in a rural Ohio town full of seemingly closed-minded people. I first realized that my family wasn’t like others when I was in elementary school. My older sister and I have the same biological father, who is African-American, and that made us two of the only “darker” kids at our school and in our small town. I never met him because he split from my mom when I was born. Strike one. Our mother, a proud Army veteran who is now very openly gay, married a man who became my adopted father. We didn’t look anything like him, or my Caucasian mother for that matter, and people noticed. Strike two. We didn’t come from great means, and I wore my sisters raggedy hand-me-downs for years. My parents had no idea how to style my kinky, fuzzy hair so I always looked disheveled. Strike three.

As I got to be in middle school, I started that all-important journey of trying to “find” myself. It’s that tender age of puberty, fear, and confusion that encompasses your whole life. If it wasn’t hard enough being the poor mixed girl, now I had braces, Coke-bottle glasses, and no sense of self at all. I wanted to reinvent myself, but I had no idea how to go about doing that. I felt that everyone already had their opinion of me, and their opinions unfortunately formed the view I had of myself. For that reason, My confidence was pretty nonexistent. I began to pull myself inwards for all the wrong reasons. At this point, I wasn’t aware of how beneficial self-reflection could be. I only focused on the self-rejection. I was too afraid of discovering something unfixable or unlovable to really look at myself to see my worth. I thought there was something wrong with me, and I pulled inward to pull away from people. Their perceptions of me were the only way I knew how to identify myself. I didn’t want to be seen. I started wearing darker clothing, listening to darker music, and putting up this wall of unapproachability. Instead of being the poor adopted mixed girl, I was determined to be dark and invisible. People can’t hurl their opinions at you if they don't notice you. Looking back now, I had it so backwards. What I thought was making me go unnoticed was the thing that made me stand out even more. To most kids my age, standing out really meant fitting in. And fitting in just wasn’t something I had ever been good at. I thought I was finding myself in hiding myself, but I was becoming even more lost.

In high school, things really changed for me. My mother and adopted father divorced. My mother came out, and the whole dynamic of our family was altered forever. If I was struggling to find myself before, I was past struggling and full-on failing at this point. I had no idea who to rely on or talk to because the issues in my life felt so isolating. Oddly enough, the girl who thought she didn’t want anyone to notice her began crying out for attention. I started abusing substances, acting out towards my family, and digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit of anger, confusion, and desperation. To make matters worse, in a small town word gets out at a rapid pace, and it didn’t take long for people to start talking about my family and what my mother was “doing to us.” It got to a point where I didn’t want to go to school anymore because once again I felt like eyes were on me for reasons I didn’t want to face. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of my mother. It was that I was ashamed of myself because I wasn’t strong enough to handle the judgement. I am grateful to this day for my mother having the courage to be who she is despite what other people believe she should be. That courage is the reason my life turned out so great. That courage is what pushed my mom to take me to Florida to start our life a-new. That courage and her journey of self is what ignited the spark in me to truly find who I am.

The human experience is not linear. When we moved to Florida, I still faced a lot of personal trials and turmoil. But, I was in a new place, with new people, and a more diverse culture. That was a bright light shining in the distance, guiding me to further my journey of self-discovery. The self-love part would come later.

I met my best friend in the entire world when I got to Florida. I met my now-husband. My life is better for knowing them and them knowing me. For the first time, I met people who saw me from the inside, instead of just acknowledging my outer shell. I still had that broken little girl inside who built her self-worth off the perception of others, but these wonderful individuals saw past the darkness and insecurities. They helped me realize that I am kind, thoughtful, present in the moment. They made me feel strong, loved, beautiful, and unique, rather than just “different.” As I embraced the qualities that they saw in me, I became less afraid to tear down those walls I had previously mortared together. I wasn’t scared of what I would find anymore. I had value. I was ready to take self-rejection and turn it into self-reflection.

Jump to present day. A girl who was once afraid to open up, and to be, and to love herself is now a woman who meditates, self-affirms daily, and heals others. I have two beautiful daughters who remind me of myself in the best ways. I am still my quirky, eccentric self. I used to call those traits awkward and weird, but I have since learned to change my inner dialogue. I am now a woman who doesn’t fear herself, but embraces her entire being, the good parts and the flaws. I have built on both of those parts of myself over the years. But the flaws don’t hinder me as much as they used to. I have gained a love for myself that I never knew I could have. And that self-love has given me a shield of armor against those critical opinions others may have of me. I don’t apologize for being unique. I don’t shy away from expressing my true self anymore. I take the good and the bad and work on keeping them in balance. Self-reflection has taught me that I only have the power to change my perception of self, and other people can only see me from their perspective. MY truth is THE truth. It’s okay to love who you are, even when other people don’t. The more you love your true self, the more you can allow yourself to be truly loved.

self help
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About the Creator

Align and Incline Ash and India

Domesticated ladies. Witchy women. Holistic healers. Paranormal enthusiasts. Blessed by the Moon. Believers in the Universe. Lovers of light. Co-Founders of AlignandIncline. 💙

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