The Dreaded Grey Area of Life

I met with a good friend for coffee yesterday. Were both in our mid 30s, and we cannot believe how dumbfounded we have been to really see just how much shit we go through isn't "black or white". In fact, love, loss, relationships, friendships, dreams, goals, all happen in the dreaded grey area.

And why is it dreaded? Because human beings need order. It is how we make sense of our environment. Especially as children. It is how we survive (this is good, this is bad). So, when we grow older, and we see just how mant moments are not compartmentable, or hold 32 different emotions, we become VERY confused. And probably even angry.

I've learned, that in one moment, about the same occurence or peron, I can hold about 4 to 5 different and conflicting opinions, emotions, or thoughts at the SAME TIME. So, if a family member hurts my feelings, I can feel angry at them, while loving them, but resentful for being taken advantage of, and then loyal to them because they have been with me for so long and through so much. By the time this moment is over about my feelings for them - I. Just. Feel. Guilty.

Why? Because I cannot seem to make up my mind, and therefore my heart. It is hard to hold anger and love in the same heart at the same time. And then I start to blame myself for even feeling at all. So I stuff it down. But we all know how THAT works in the end lol...good ol repressed emotion. It'll bite you in the ass one day. HARD.

Now, let's say you have a dream. And you have done all that manifesting, and following your heart scene. I am an actor and comedian, and I remember this one end of season shift I was working at one of the big sports stadiums, I told everyone, I am not coming back next season - because I will be famous by then.

Well lol. As you can see I am not HAHA. I put a lot of pressure on my dream. I put a lot of energy into my dreams. Unpaid hours, countless auditions, shows, and sets. I have been in this business for about 8 years now. And what happens when things aren't going as planned and you can feel the financial pressure crushing you? You get mad. Well I did. Because I was heartbroken. Because I had tried so hard, and loved it so much, and it just wasn't delivering. Now can you imagine the kind of energy I'm emitting to not only audiences, coworkers, and casting directors, but the universe? It feels my rage, and is like, "K, maybe she doesn't really like this anymore lol"...and they aren't wrong. I was getting PISSED. Pissed that I have now had to put it on the back burner a bit, and actually find something that pays the fucking bills. I HATE THAT. I hate that we can't ALL do what we love. What a sad life sometimes.

And SEE - a sad life. But apparently, also a beautiful one. A magical one. A hard one. One of suffering, but also triumph. One of watching those you love cross major milestones, but then watching people you love, leave this earth, or suffer. There's a lot that goes on here. And it is not black or white. A lot is grey, and I am having a hard time with that. I have had to recalibrate and shift entire paradigms off this realization. And it hurts. And it is scary. But I think in order to survive beyond the day to day mundane, you HAVE to learn to be okay in this part. Or the grey is going to swallow you whole.