The Chameleon

My story: the CliffNotes version. My parents were divorced before I was born. Each parent remarried. Between the two of them I went through four step-parents. I was moved across the country and back before I reached high school. I grew up with the strong notion that everything and everyone was temporary and replaceable. I never liked to grow strong attachments to anything or anyone.

Because of this and my natural need to appease and appeal to everyone, I became a chameleon. Before I could explain it in words, I would read a room and act accordingly. I would mentally take note of a mood or feeling and adapt to fit in. This has always been an extremely useful tool. People in general seem to enjoy my company, and I survived environments bigger personalities may not have. I thought of it as my superpower.

But, somewhere along the way I neglected to form my own personality. I can make myself into whoever I need to be to succeed in any situation, but I don’t know who I am when no one else is around. I realize this as I grow and have children. I want to be a role model, but what is the best kind? Who do I portray to be the best role model? Certainly not ‘myself’. I don’t want my children growing up thinking they have to change themselves to succeed, but it is all I know.

I was part of a wild and mischievous group when I met my husband. Perhaps he was too, but he was always the reasonable, quiet, relaxed presence. When we were together one on one I liked that personality; maybe that’s who I wanted to be too, or maybe I just wanted a break from the chaos. Whatever the reason, I formed an attachment. We settled down together. We learned, grew, succeeded, and failed together. We had children together. I became a stay-at-home mom, and people praised me for my attentiveness, my patience, and my successes. People that ate up the persona I put out into the world.

But who am I really?

I’d love to tell you how I figured it all out. How I found my own mentors and role models and molded myself into the person I am today. But, alas, I am just a girl on a journey. A girl who is tired of the charades and the upkeep of being everyone’s hero and best friend. I still enjoy making people happy, but I want to be genuine in doing so. I want to be able to believe people when they tell me how much I mean to them. I want to know they are speaking about me directly and not just the personality I provided, catered specifically to their tastes and interests.

I am on my way. I am FINDING my way. For so long I envied everyone I met. I envied how at ease they were with themselves, with their mistakes and quirks. I wanted to feel that freedom. I still do.

I’ve decided to be more honest. I will voice my displeasure when I disagree with something. It is a small and fragile voice, I will scramble with my words if you question it, but the voice is there! It’s a baby step, but it feels like a massive victory. Somewhere along this journey I will find the woman I was meant to be, and I will embrace her and love her like no one ever has. Then, I will not care whether anyone else does or not, but I have a long way to go.

In the meantime, my son asked me for a chameleon for his birthday. Maybe there still is something marvelous about those little creatures.