The Best Liars

This is the story of a girl who only knows how to express how she feels like this. With erratic words and thoughts that don’t make sense, nervous ticks that only some will notice. A loud outspoken girl who gets lost in her own world sometimes because it seems like the only way she can escape the torment that shrouds her being occasionally is to dive into prolific writing escapades.

How she felt after every time she looked at a person, and she didn’t know whether she was going to be hit, laughed at, hugged, screamed at, beat, or belittled. You just might know the feeling very well, which if you do hey, hey, hey, wassup fam. And by all means, if you aren’t into slightly humorous, mostly sad, personal horror stories—you may want to discontinue reading.

If you’re still here, welcome you lovely beam of light. Let’s dive right in!

I’m curious if the things I’m about to tell to you apply to everyone, just some, or to none at all.

Maybe this girl who had experienced these things isn’t so abnormal after all.

So tell me this: Do you know what it’s like living with someone who has PTSD and OCPD?

Or what it’s like to be put into a corner and made to stand for over nine hours?

Or to be choke slammed because you forgot to wear matching socks?

How about not knowing how to explain bruises and black eyes to your teachers other than “I fell,” and they believe it cause you have always been a visibly clumsy child.

Or how about the inability to voice your own thoughts (without fear that you might have to sleep in the foyer or garage... again) or the inability to control your own schedule and live your life the way you were meant to, freely.

Tell me: Have you ever felt this way?

When participating in events or outings somehow you’re undeniably in the wrong if you differ from what is considered “the social norms.”

Always feeling less than adequate when it comes to well... everything you do.

Finding new ways to explain why you just can’t seem to follow the impossibly strict guidelines society or those around you have enforced on your psyche.

Constantly having to provide replies as to why you were in trouble when you, your 8-year-old self, didn’t really have the answers to that question...

Trying to smile off why you were always hungry or why you hate wasting any and all food.

Why you are strong in ways that many people wouldn’t even dream of.

Why you can’t bring yourself to get mad at kids.

Why you hate clothing shopping.

Why you are terrified of the dark more so than your average adult.

Why you can’t just talk about things that bother you.

Or the fact that you hate crying because you were taught it was wrong or weak.

Or how about being disgusted with who you are occasionally simply because you crumble under pressure sometimes.

Why you “people watch” and are forever observant.

Why you are so wary of people but so warm and welcoming to anyone that approaches you.

Overthinking anything and everything.

Apologizing for the smallest of accidents.

Seeing all points of view before you make a decision.

Not being able to fathom how other people raise their children.

Always wondering—why?

Tell me: Have you ever felt this way?

Why are they in trouble? Why is he/she mad? Why do I feel so scared when I disappoint others? Why can’t I just be “normal,” not perfect, but normal?

Why does she not fit into a category?

Why was she so skinny? There’s no way at six years old she was developing anorexia... right? The callus on her ring finger, on her right hand, is just from use over the years… so why doesn’t she see other people her age and older with it.

Is she defective because she doesn’t answer the questions the same way as her peers?

How does this change the relationship with your siblings?

How do they begin to view you? Is it different from your peers? Their peers?

Why would you make a 9-year-old girl write a 10 page paper about how terrible she was and why she was a liar?

What possessed you to make her sleep in the foyer with a sleeping bag when she had a bed in a room that confined her like a prison anyway?

Why was she sat out of Easter and her gift that she knew was for her— ripped from her and right before her very eyes gifted to another child?

Was she just too entitled?

Why did the same thing repeat years later but this time something she needed to succeed was ripped from her?

Why make them struggle so much to achieve so little?

Isn’t it normal to provide food for your kids?

Social norms tell you that families eat together and that means that all will present at the gathering.

No one should be forced to stand in time out for over eight hours and wait for the “okay, go” once everyone has already eaten.

Why would you injure them to serve as an example to others?

How do you cope with years of mental abuse and then jump straight into physical abuse?

How would you explain the bruises and the excessive drinking?

How can you go from one extreme to the next so fast you give yourself whiplash?

When does the cycle end? Why is it that no matter what she does do, she’s wrong?

A deplorable child.

An ingrate.

A bitch.

A liar.

A thief.

A good for nothing.

How does she change?

She’s not doing anything dangerous to others.

But she’s scared all the time.

She never wants to be home ‘fore home seems to be the silent purgatory that no one speaks of.

All she can do is be quiet, be clean and pray that they aren’t mad at her.

Maybe cry a little.

But she might be going crazy.

How does she sit down with someone and talk about this kind of stuff when she has never even told her best friends about it

How do you start a conversation with, “Yeah, I wasn’t allowed to be in a musical when I was younger because I had not finished writing a paper, designated to me by my father, about why I was a liar and why lying is bad and how I’m going to change myself or else bad things were gonna happen to me.”

How does she convince herself that she is, in fact, the opposite of what everyone tells her she is and has to be.

Are you aware of how hard it is to look someone in the face when they ask her certain questions and she feels compelled to lie to them, like it’s the truth, simply because the person asking didn’t want to hear the real truth - just their version of it.

The best liars are not the ones who lie to get out of trouble.

No, no.

The best liars are the ones who consistently lie to convince themselves that there is truth to what they are lying about.

There’s no such thing as a person who knows all there is to know about themselves.

There is always room for learning and improvement but when the growth that you so desire is stunted by those around you, sometimes, you mistake other’s fault as your own.

She wishes it was different.

Tell me: Have you ever felt this way?

She wishes someone would sit her down and say: “Spill the beans, baby.”

She prays to God or whatever the hell is out there that she can find someone to do that with.

The time is never right though.

She gets so consumed in the fear of what could happen and what could go wrong that she becomes obsessively focused on how they view her.

Will it be pity or indifference?

Snide commentary onto her very life force?

Or perhaps a gentle soul will come along and guide her into a soothing oblivion.

What does she want it to be?

Is she allowed to just cry in front of them or is it uncouth?

Why does it seem like she has a mountain of problems and no one to share the climb with?

Constantly trying to convince herself that she should be grateful that she’s not dead and that other people have had it worse or still do.

When does she get a break?

More like how? ha, ha.

She doesn’t know whether to consider herself weak or strong after she thinks about all she’s done and been through.

Does she have things saved from childhood?

No not things—but plenty of memories.

Of course, there are knickknacks here and there but from 13 and down? Nothing but what’s in her head.

Example: A bunch of kids bullying the girl who hit puberty first.

Pushing her down, cracking her head open on a sheet of ice and she, bleeding. going to class and telling the teacher only for the teacher to let her fall asleep because the mercenary of information and learning, knew she didn’t go to church every Sunday and said that if only the young girl had believed in God that the altercation would have never happened.

Experiencing racism from a sister getting called “black cheese” and when she told her teacher the authoritative figure scolded her for trying to get another child in trouble by stating “the obvious” and following it up with- “Well... you are black aren’t you?”

Wondering how her family is gonna pay bills if mom keeps skipping work.

Taking up 3 jobs.

Getting beaten because all of a sudden, because she’s: “trying to be in charge of the house.”

How do you approach alcoholism?

How do you tear that person’s eyes from the bottle long enough to say please stop, your body cannot take any more.

How do you watch someone you love so dearly crumble?

Especially knowing full well that the only other person that could help you at all is spiraling downward into an abysmal prison of a self-made hell...

Who do you call when you need parental advice that you can’t get from your parents.

How do you handle being devastated when someone you cherish needs something from you that you just can’t afford to do?

Or something that you have been saving to be able to provide for yourself, even in the slightest, is ripped from you and then having whatever was left, thrown back at you with no remorse.

Tell me: Have you ever wondered?

How do you say no to people you have never been allowed to say no to?

How do you protect things you hold so dear when everything around you is crashing down at the same speed of a burning candle- slowly but surely.

As you try to warn others of incoming danger, they do not see it and so you get pushed and shoved away, why?

How can you have a regular conversation with your father figure about anything without the onslaught of the memories from the physical and mental abuse?

How about the fact that you are still terrified to ask any questions due to a small lifetime of being misunderstood and the horrible repercussions that you have had to endure?

On top of all that, do you know what the most painful part of it all is?

That fact that no matter how hard you try, you can’t bring yourself to blame anyone but YOU for everything that has ever happened.

The abuse, the alcoholism, the constant disappointment, the bruises, and the silent tears that manage to escape you.

All of it becomes your burden to bear and fault in some way or another.

That fact that when you were terrified to tell your dad that you couldn’t live him with anymore because you were so scared to come home and continue down the path of breaking bones by running into people.

Being so thin you could see every bone through your skin.

Looking sickly in every school photo.

So you stopped looking in the mirror for more than a split second.

While, although you try sometimes, you just can’t bring yourself to take a lot of photos with your smiling face in them.

Before you know it you’re grimacing at every photo featuring you.

And upset when you see yourself in other photos, #selfie was never really your style, I suppose.

And then when you finally break free—finally get away from that situation and you experience obesity at its purest form: Childhood obesity.

The immediate difference in who associates with you and finding out who your friends are or if you really ever had any all happens very quickly.

As does the change in mood and behavior (i.e. The want and will to do things especially publicly).

What if I told you this wasn’t just a document containing what if’s, why’s, and how’s?

What if I told you I’ve reached a breaking point and I don’t know what else to do but write a letter?

A letter asking for advice, gentleness, and perhaps even a hard slap in the face.

Because this isn’t even half of the story that I’d like to share and I honestly don’t know how else to deal the rest of it without reaching out.

To someone.

To anyone.

Please.

Help me.

Help me find purchase for I don’t know what to do.

What if I told you I’m terrified because I’m 100 percent positive that I don’t know how you’ll react?

Why I’ve been sitting here this whole time looking nervous, praying that none of this actually comes out, and you don’t view me any differently than you have been?

Or that I’m afraid that you won’t see me as strong anymore and that maybe you would mind if I asked if we could still be friends once you learned what a selfish human I am for wanting a friend to be mine, solely mine to confide in, and... cherish.

My heart is attempting to pound right out of my chest writing this, but I need to say it... or type it rather because I’m just not able to capitalize verbally and eloquently yet.

So yeah.

That’s it I guess.

Thanks for reading, and perhaps you will hear my message, my plea, and my roar: To love yourself unconditionally.

Even though some of you probably already do—I think it’s an important reminder that not everyone gets to see so if you think this message will help someone you love, you gotta make sure to share this with them.

I've found that, even if I’m not the strongest human on earth, I will always encourage finding the strength within myself and within others through love, light, passion, and respect.

After years and years of self doubt, I now have the courage to re-write my own story and forget the fear of presentation.

Let the past that haunted me for so long refuel my fire and help me blaze a progressive trail forward so that those that attempt the same do so successfully.

Here is my call to arms.

To all those feeling stuck.

To all those who have been abandoned.

To all those just barely, painfully scraping by.

Go forth, and shine brilliantly unto the sky with no remorse no matter what any one person says, does or tries.

Why?

They always say the things to hold highest in value have no price at all.

So let your voice be your guide.

The eyes constantly watching me and you are simply tools we must use to become absolutely present in this wild time period.

If they are watching they are watching for a reason and that means—even if for a brief moment - we can share the love, wisdom, and light that desperately wants to be heard, seen, and spread widely.

Live the life you want to live and don’t ever look back.

And if you find yourself unhappy with where you are?

Let it be a moment of clarity.

The ah hah! You’ve been searching for is right in front of you.

So shine on because even the Sun doesn’t apologize for shining brighter than some people can handle and although it’s a force of nature that no one can tame—so are you.