That snarky crystal ball

Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum. With eyes shut, bum on a mat, and legs crossed on top of each other, I breathed in and out. Breathed in and out. "Focusing on my breath was freaking useless" griped a voice in my head. "But there's something useful in it," countered by another voice. "Am I going nuts?" interjected by yet another voice. While listening to this incessant chatter, a sturdy stick was poking my back reminding me to sit upright and not drool on the poor person next to me. Twenty-five minutes later, I and other meditation practitioners heard a bell sound. We got up and took off.

The following week I mustered the courage to ask the meditation master. Head-shaven, wearing a brown robe, and smiling, she didn't hesitate to answer. "Shifu, what do you think of my practice? Am I already enlightened?" I giddily asked. "Joan, you know you need to do better. You know how silly your question is. So why ask that?" "Well, Shifu, I need you to confirm it" I nervously reasoned. To which she then quipped, "Why do you need somebody to tell you the truth when you know it already?"

Ice cold water doused my naked soul. Holy cow! What a beeyatch!

After that conversation, I went home feeling frustrated. I thought I would finally be enlightened and reach nirvana, just like what I had imagined after reading some Buddhist stories and sutras. After all, my reason for going to that monastery in San Juan was to be the master of my thoughts and emotions. But you know what, I was hurt because I thought, Shifu, the Zen master, would be this kind, all-loving, perpetually-smiling holy human being. Well, she was to some people on some occasions, but I felt she just didn't like me. To confirm my suspicion, I devised a little sneaky scheme. I asked for her help with my research project. She claimed to have studied in New York for her Ph.D. and worked for a missile company in Taiwan, her home residence. Intrigued, I presented to her my draft and to my surprise, she gave pretty damn good advice. At the end of the semester, I passed the course but still continued to harbor ill-feeling towards that snarky crystal ball.

A few years later I went to Abu Dhabi to teach Korean engineers. I felt so overwhelmed both by the rigors and monotony of the job. I knew in my heart I love teaching but the group politics, I can't stand. I was constantly struggling in my head if I should stay or go elsewhere. And this reminded me of the time when Shifu corrected my posture when I was struggling to sit upright. This reminded me of her frank questions and serious tone every time I retreated to her when had problems. This reminded me of a painful truth. That my expectations are utterly skewed. The truth of the matter is, I know what I want but when challenges come, I blame others. I don't take responsibility for how I feel and I think of those around me as stupid or unreliable. In short, I had the wrong view.

You see, we do have people who sincerely wish for our success and improvement. But oftentimes our ego misleads us, making us treat them as our enemies. I don’t know exactly the solution to this predicament. But my experience tells me, we are better than we think only if we work together for a common good. If we allow our teachers or mentors to give us unadulterated advice. So I take this opportunity to thank Shifu, that snarky crystal ball.