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That Control Freak

Releasing the Fear

By Altavise WalkerPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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“I have driven down this piece of the highway many times. I really should know it with my eyes taped shut. Something just doesn’t feel right though.” Why does it feel like I am going the wrong way? As I converse with myself and Diesel; who isn’t paying me much attention, other than to see if I have something like a quick snack that he can partake in. I glance at my phone’s map and then quickly back at the bright green luminescent signs meticulously spaced on the interstate. Looking at one, then looking at the next mile marker. Yep, going the right way. It just feels like I am headed in the wrong direction. Way, way, way back of my mind I knew why I felt this way, I was just to scared to be honest with myself for fear of what my family, friends or any other person who thought they were entitled to an opinion about what I should do with my life or what I should do would think. Of course, they know what’s best for me! Wait, do they really? Do they know what the desires of my heart are or how miserable and unfilled my life feels? Do they really know what makes me happy, what gives me joy? No, not really because they haven’t taken the time to ask what I want. Their intentions are in the right place, they only want to protect me and see me succeed according to the time old formula of how people succeed. Go to school, get a degree, work, get a home, pay your bills and if you have something left over then you enjoy yourself going somewhere temporarily, but right back to the habit of life. So, I sat there with eyes full of tears because I knew that while I know consistency and stability are important that is not the life I have ever seen myself existing within; not the same robotically programmed life that most people live. When I did it often lead to me feeling incomplete and like I was going through the motions, something was always missing. I had always felt like God gave me all these wonderful abilities and I am just supposed to hide them, sit on them because others couldn’t see? That can’t be right. I had to decide, either continue to settle and be miserable or get uncomfortable and at least try and see what happens. So, I called one of my best friends and gave her the run down of what I just experienced. Not at all surprised by her response she replies, “V you know what that means?” Like a little girl wanting to throw a temper tantrum; because I didn’t want to hear those words, although I knew exactly what she was referring to, without her specifically stating, but I didn’t want to face it. Facing it would force me to make a decision that went against what other people thought. I dreaded that, I was so fearful of that. That—standing up for me, taking a chance on me, going against the grain.

I sat for the rest of the trip thinking about my circumstance and all the things I could do and what my life consisted of in the now. I knew why I had made the choices that I had made. Why I constantly ran back to Louisiana. I knew it, even if no one else knew and all the joy they felt or didn’t when I was there. I owned in that quiet time with Diesel that I was controlled by my fears. Fears of getting uncomfortable. Fear of the unknown, the struggle. Fear of how foolish I would look to people for not staying in my stable job as an elementary teacher for instability. My heart of hearts knew (as well as a few people I could think of) that I constantly ran to Louisiana when things got rough because that was comfortable, it was safe. I didn’t have to try to do anything. It didn’t require me to do any more than report to work and go through the routine of that life. Which only seemed to include get up, go to gym, work, church and hang out with friends occasionally, not in that order either. There was nothing by any means wrong with the components of this existence, my existence. For me I recognized that, that life was safe and predictable and not a full demonstration of who I am. It didn’t require me to exuberant or exert any extra effort.

By the time I had gotten home and had a talk with myself I knew that it was time to do something different. I couldn’t continue to allow my fear of standing up or not caring what others thought I should do dictate my choices. So, I made the conscious decision to think about what is it that Altavise wants to accomplish and does it negatively affect anyone. I realized that the only person it hurts is me by not being true to what makes me happy. I knew how I felt when I'd hear music come on the radio and what it does to my soul. Or the countless songs I have come up with, that are simply sitting in limbo waiting to be crafted and heard. How when I hear an acoustic guitar, or any instrument being played, and it gives me a euphoric feeling, that gives me butterflies and feels like I am connected to it and it to me. It is a part of me. My ability to love hard and passionately, because that is who I am. I realized that I love love and there was nothing wrong with that. I take delight in making and showing the people I care for smile. Whether it is by being silly or producing a nice gesture or act. Those were all the things that made me, me. Beautiful. Sure, some people would say I love easily, but I am often reminded easily how much God loves me. This hot mess, unconditionally, even when I mess up big time, imperfect. So, I owe that to self and or the people I care about; to be true to who I am.

So, I sucked it up and put my fears in the back of my mind and said I am going to do something about it. Who cares if someone says you are too old to get into the music business. You are going to quit your job and do what? I found a vocal coach and made the decision to grow Altavise. To love me. I made the decision to get uncomfortable and step outside of the fears that were controlling me and boxing me in. To do things geared in the direction I want to go, what challenges me to get uncomfortable and grow a little more.

We all experience fear at some point in our lives. For some it is the fear of riding a roller coaster or slithering serpents that invade us unknowingly. It is one of those things that we can’t control, but never ceases to evade us; regardless of how much preparation or how tough we think we are. It is fear that keeps us boxed in. Preventing us from being who we are truly called to be.

Don’t allow the reluctance and other people’s insecurities to dictate your fears. Go for it. It could be the best thing that you accomplished—your best you! Go for it someone is waiting for your gift!!

Thank you for taking time out to allow me to share with you my journey! If you like what was shared, share with others and feel free to tip me! Be sure to follow me on my journey at fb.me/journeytoome

Peace and Blessings

happiness
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About the Creator

Altavise Walker

In 2016 after becoming a young widow. I went on a journey to rediscover who I was. Thus my journey of self discovery, love, and encouragement to others who have experienced loss began. Follow https://www.instagram.com/journeytoome/

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