Motivation logo

Thank You For Helping Me Reach My Rock Bottom

A Journey to Better Days

By Andrea JardinePublished 4 years ago 3 min read
4
Photo by Jill Wellington

Even before COVID-19 spread and the whole world was put on hold, I felt lost, stuck and alone. Two weeks before Premier Doug Ford declared a State of Emergency in Ontario, Canada, I turned 40. To say I was dreading this particular birthday is putting it mildly. I outright ignored it. I’m single, childless, living in my sister’s basement, overweight, working a thankless job that pays slightly more than minimum wage and buried in debt. This is not how I pictured myself turning 40. I didn’t think things could get worse. And then the quarantine happened.

Quarantine allows for a lot of time to reflect. At first, the fear of the unknown and being literally scared of death sank me back into a depression. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 20 years ago and it is easily triggered by drastic change. Once I got through several full season TV shows on Netflix, I began to think about my life and how I ended up here. It’s forced me to evaluate who I’ve become. And who I want to be.

My first instinct is to focus on all the negative aspects of my life. I cried for a week. I couldn’t see any hope and I began to feel suicidal. Again. I hit my rock bottom.

By Kat J on Unsplash

I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. It started to feel cathartic. A release of this dark suffocating energy. I started to think about just one or two things for which I was grateful: The health of my family, my warm comfy bed and my sister’s cat who is now mine and never leaves my side.

When I think about what I want to do when we’re all safe and the restrictions have been lifted, I think about sharing laughter and experiences with my friends and family. I envision starting my day as I do now with gratitude, meditation and yoga. I’ll grab a green juice and head over to my dad’s house in my 11-year-old car and belt out I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor.

I’ll give my 73-year-old dad the tightest and longest hug I’ve ever given him and look him in the eyes and say “I love you.” What better way to celebrate our love and health than with brunch at Cora’s? We’ll have the best Eggs Benedict ever (spinach, caramelized onions, mushrooms and goat cheese) and I’ll drink three cups of fresh coffee.

Then I’ll drop him off and head over to my best friend’s house and help her escape her very adorable and very beautiful three-year-old and nine-month-old boys. What better way to celebrate our 20 year friendship than with a wine and bike tour of Niagara-on-the-Lake, which is just outside Niagara Falls, Canada?

We’ll reminisce about our days at university where we mostly ate pizza and slept in the library. We’ll sip delicious Ontario wine and stare out at the beautiful vineyards and share memories of our six-month backpacking trip around the world. We’ll spend the night at a B&B and stay up late and watch the stars unfold in the sky.

The next morning we’ll grab coffees from Tim Horton’s and I’ll over-enthusiastically sing Somebody to Love by Queen. We’ll laugh till we cry and I’ll cherish these tears as I drop her off at home and hug her two little boys and I’ll wonder if there is a normal to go back to.

If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want to go back to normal. I don’t want to go back to the person I allowed myself to become. I don’t want to cower in the corner and dim my light. I want to have the courage to continue to find and share my voice. To feel gratitude and forgiveness and to be my authentic self without fear.

And I’ll sing Rise Up by Andra Day on repeat.

Although there has been a lot of pain and tragic loss, this horrible awful thing has been my catalyst for change. I can say thank you to the Corona virus for helping me reach my rock bottom. There is no going back to who I was before. It's exciting and freeing to discover who I'm going to be. There are better days ahead. Better days are already here.

healing
4

About the Creator

Andrea Jardine

IG: @andreajardinecreates

Currently in Toronto, Canada developing my writing skills and growing an audience. Any tip or pledge given to help me pursue this endeavour is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.