'Sweet' Dreams & Chasing the Light

I can't recall how many nights it's been since those weird dreams, but I remember them so vividly that it's like I had them last night.

In the first one, my teeth were falling out. I recall that dream is quite a common one, so I did some research. It turns out, it means I feel like I'm losing my productivity in life; I'm not living life to the fullest, in short—and it's so true because I'm really not living life to the fullest if I'm not making my way towards the career of my dreams. It isn't my fault though. There's so much to do just to survive before I can really live... I've made a significant amount of progress as I've gotten some songs written. I just need to finish them up with melodies and music...

However, I've been ignoring my other duties and responsibilities as a college student to make time to chase my dreams. If I don't get college life out of the way first, there's no way I'll get to live... I mean, it's not like my dream career requires any special degrees, but making money will definitely be more of a struggle than it already is now if I attempt to survive from music. If I charge full force into the career of my dreams, it'll be ten times worse than trying to survive with a job I get no enjoyment out of. I might die on the streets if I were to pursue it full force without a place to live and a decent fallback job. I'd die doing what I love, but... I wouldn't be successful. My life will never be complete until I become a successful musician. If I were to charge at my dream career full force now, I might make just enough to live in a run-down apartment complex in the ghettos of town, but I don't want to do that. I don't mind a small, simple, studio condo, but I'm not going to live in some scrappy old place that's falling apart...

Well... my house is old and falling apart. I've got to find a way to make a living before this whole thing topples over me...

It makes me wonder how some celebrities drop out of college to start their careers. Some of them even dropped out of high school! I don't really like to believe their luck, but in reality, that's the only explanation. Most people don't have time to juggle work, school, and chase their dreams all at once. There are only so many hours in a day... it's a good thing I'm not planning on marriage or kids anytime soon. I want to get to my career first before all that jargon. I understand I may not ever get there on my own, so having children too soon will make it a lot harder to get there. I'll have to put off settling down for as long as possible. I'd rather not have any babies until my dreams come true... although I may not ever make to where I want to be. If I don't make it there, then I'm not having kids...

Surprisingly, I bounced back and forth from relationship to relationship in high school without ever getting pregnant. I lost my virginity at 15, but the guy I did it with was smart and used a condom. As for the others, I just ended up not doing it with them because I was always paranoid about getting caught and/or pregnant. I don't know how I got around to doing it with that guy when I was 15, and I don't even know how I was able to do it with him while his parents were home and his bedroom door was wide open!

If there's one thing I realized, those dudes never helped me. They may have been there to cheer me on, but they never actually helped me make my way to my career. The most recent one that left me didn't even have any faith in me. He always said something among the lines of "You want to go into music as a career? Good f***ing luck. Most music producers live in their moms' basements."

He said that regardless of my musical talent. He knew I could sing and could play more than one instrument. He knew how much I was capable of writing. Yet... he still had the audacity to doubt me. It's okay to be realistic, but to doubt someone completely is another ballpark. Heck, and I thought I was going to marry him when he wasn't even there to cheer me on. He was just there. He was there whenever I cried, but at this point, I think his chivalry was fake. I'm sure he was only irritated with my pettiness.

I'm glad my exes were there for me, but... the way I see my past boyfriends now is that they're all style and no substance, if you know what I mean. They were just there for the show. They served no actual purpose.

The next time I date, I'm going to be wise and wait for the dude to ask me out first, as I've always been the one to ask out the guy first. Guess where that lead me? Nowhere, that's where, and that's almost literal at this point because I've got no real job, no car, and no way of moving out.

You can count the break-ups and lessons I learned from them if you want, but in the end, those boys didn't get me anywhere in life. Sure, sure, they made some permanent marks on me. Sure, sure, they might have changed the way I see things. But...

... I'm sorry to be selfish, but none of them ever helped me achieved my dreams. With the most recent one that left me, it seemed a little more possible since he could sing. But he couldn't play any instruments. Plus, he didn't have the same ambitions as I did in the first place. We'd constantly be apart if we were to continue our relationship into adulthood. The distance would be unbearable as we'd have taken completely different paths in life. There's a fine line between a long distance relationship and taking a different path in life than your significant other. There's no point in staying with someone if they take a different path in life than you do... There's no point in staying with someone if they can never be with you...

I know chivalry is dead, but I need someone who's as close to chivalrous as possible, because honestly, I'm pretty difficult.

Not to brag, but I'm beautiful and talented. My self-esteem and confidence are (for the most part) fulfilled without any friends or romantic partners doing it for me. I wonder if I'm just hard to get, because girls like me are rare. I'm very kind and understanding like most men need, but my standards exceed that of any other woman they've ever met, and by that, I mean they'll have to make my dreams come true for me to really love them. In short, love is rarely ever unconditional, to be realistic. I mean, when it comes to family, of course it's unconditional, but when it comes to starting your own family, that's the stuff that comes at a price. You've got to pay your end of the bargain with that kind of love.

Not to say you have to do all the work, they have to pay you back as well in some manner. When it comes to making my dreams come true, the man doesn't exactly have to do it for me. I just expect him to help me out with it. I'm perfectly capable of it on my own, it'll just be a lot harder to do it on my own than with a life partner by my side. But whether I achieve my dreams on my own or with a partner doesn't matter to me; so long as they're achieved, I'll be fulfilled. If I achieve them alone, then I'll be fulfilled for quite awhile. I won't need a romantic partner as I've made my own dreams come true. If I achieve my dreams on my own, I can put off romance for longer.

Now onward, to the second dream...

Second dream: ironically, I was touring with my favorite band. It was alright at first as I was quiet on the tour bus while the rest of the band chatted.

Everything was fine until the lead singer made it seem like he was trying to sleep with me.

Now, for a fangirl, that may seem like fun at first (pun intended), but heed this: Ben Burnley (the lead singer of Breaking Benjamin) is a man in his 40s with a wife and child.

I don't know about the rest of Breaking Benjamin's fangirls, but I'm not one of the crazy ones. Yes, I idolize them (mostly Ben), but not to the point where it becomes a creepy obsession...

At least I hope not.

I knew it was just a celebrity crush, but I still felt guilty for having that dream. I know I shouldn't have, as humans don't really have any control over what happens in their brains when they sleep. However, the things you dream about can still reveal some pretty dark secrets that you didn't even know you had. Talk about a celebrity crush...

I don't like the idea of sleeping with a guy that's literally twice my age. Though I'm legally old enough to give that kind of consent, I still don't like the idea of dating someone who's an entire generation older than me. I probably wouldn't understand street slangs that were popular in his time. The only one I understand from the 80s is "stoked."

I kid you not, Breaking Benjamin's been around since the year I was born, and I'm almost 20-years-old. I'm quite literally half of Ben's age. Not to mention he was 20 when he began to chase his dreams, just like me... In short, he's been at it since he was 20.

Now he's a famous and successful musician.

In his 40s.

With a wife and child.

Not to mention his good looks. He's got pale skin, and wears all black, creating a vampiric effect on his fans. Don't forget his leather jacket and pocket chain...

One of the things that truly made him my music idol is that he doesn't let his money and good looks go to his head, as I've seen in his recorded interviews. He's very "down-to-earth" as his other fans describe, and doesn't let his ego blow up. He clearly appreciates his fans and his bandmates as he knows his career would be different without them.

Plus, even though he's a proud father now, in a way, he's still the same guy as when he started as a lowlife, just darker, more fitting clothes and better hair. And no glasses. Well, not all the time at least. He's different to some extent as some of his fans have noted, but at the same time, he's still got the same attributes that made him famous in the first place, so to speak.

Is this the meaning of that phrase, "The more things change, the more they stay the same?" One could allocate that phrase to Ben Burnley as he's "switched out" a lot of his bandmates. He fired his entire band at one point...

... But no matter how little hope he had of making it big with music, he still charged at it full force. He never. Gave. Up.

Not to mention Ben is a lot like me. If someone like me can make it to the top in a generation where technology is primitive, it shouldn't be that hard for me to meet him there; technology has advanced over the passing decades. Yet somehow, I'm having more of a struggle than Ben ever did, as far as it seems.

But don't worry, my dear readers; I won't give up either. I won't give into failure. If I can't chase music for right now, I don't mind being on a temporary hiatus. So long as I get there someday before I die, things will be alright.

So long as I remain faithful to my potential, there will always be hope. The stars of the night sky may be invisible to our eyes, but that's doesn't mean they aren't there...

Would you believe me if I told you I've seen a night sky filled with stars before? You may not believe me if you live in the United States, or any country that's completely developed.

It was on my vacation to the Philippines when I was about 7-years-old. The Philippines was sort of a third world country at the time—at least that was my perception of it. There wasn't very much electricity to power lights. Since no one could turn on any lights, the night sky was always filled with diamonds.

Though I can't see those diamonds in the United States, they're still gleaming clear and bright somewhere in the world. Even if the world couldn't see the stars... they'll always be there.