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Simple grief

Simple sewing

By Fiona CanigliaPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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I sew simple things. Through simple sewing, I have used textiles to fashion celebratory bunting and long tablecloths for long lunches. I have turned seemingly unusable scraps into rag wreaths and garlands.

These items are nothing special except they have helped me journey from searing losses to a simpler grief. My beloved Italian father was born in the ‘land of the long table’ and when he died, his table passed to me. We sit at the chair where he sat, and set the table in anticipation of abundant food and wine in the company of friends and family. A simply sewn long table cloth chosen for its appropriateness to the occasion is the first moment of promise. Soon, there will be people gathering to live in the moment and in doing so forge memories where the ones we have lost are still in attendance.

Simple bunting is not technically demanding but it does require time. I have used bunting to turn my father’s old shirts into something we look at with joy. My children and mother and I baked a cake and journeyed to my brother’s house with a small brown package containing bunting with various fabrics cut from Dad’s clothes. Sewing it helped me manage the awful sadness I felt at the struggle and pain of his death. The journey to my brother’s house with a cake, having coffee and gifting him something so simple helped us all.

Letting go of the belongings of someone who has died can bring intolerable waves of loss. For some, transitioning to a stage of letting these things go is prolonged. I wasn’t ready to see his shirts go to strangers and when it feels like the right time, there is enough fabric left to fashion more bright bunting for my girls, whom he loved so much. It helped me to make my brother a small gift. It helps me to know I can return to the task of transforming his shirts into more items for celebrations which he always loved. When only tiny fragments remain, I will use them for rag wreaths for our door at Christmas, Easter and Halloween.

Memory quilts and other ways of fashioning the clothing and belongings of people lost, into something new and usable is nothing new. In finding simple things to sew that relate so much to people I have loved and lost, I journey with grief and there are fewer reasons for avoidance. Belongings I can’t release completely, are transformed into something that is a source of joy, a reason to say their name and a way to pass on those memories to my children when the time is right.

For people facing complicated grief perhaps the simplicity of these items means they are also an attainable way to create beautiful things that can be used every day. It can be a way that friends and community can reach out. People who can sew might help with something so tangible and transformational at a time when the loneliness of grief can be overwhelming. I know the helplessness of watching others traverse the fear of loss, the numb shock and the awful desolation of long tomorrows without someone who is still loved and needed.

To this point I have the shirts of our dearest friend who died shockingly and unexpectedly leaving us all bereft. It has the potential to be a complicated journey to resolve our sadness because it feels like a situation that could have been prevented. He is so needed by his much loved young daughter and we can’t yet really make sense of what happened and why. I will make memory cushions for his children in the hope that it brings small moments of comfort in an otherwise difficult journey. In making them I will have the privilege of transforming one item into something else which is a reasonable metaphor for how we might all transition from how we feel now to how we might feel in the future. The grief always remains but it can change shape, transform and move to something else.

For people really traumatised by loss there can be deep avoidance of belongings which can even lead to behaviours like hoarding. I can see individually therapeutic benefits to simple types of sewing where textiles are reused. It is even more valuable perhaps that friends and strangers can all play their part. Even if someone doesn’t aspire to sew, they can reach for someone who can. They can make decisions about what fabrics can be used and the form they should take. They can guide the emergence of a new product intended to transform tangible things in parallel with how we feel about those things. It is at once personal, therapeutic and a reason for communities to grow.

I also sew these simple things for other reasons. I can use up so many scraps making things that look happy and help us celebrate important moments. It helps me unwind to transform one thing into something that we can use with a sense of joy and fun. It is a complete distraction from many other things and I love the look of our space with rich table cloths on long tables, and joyful bunting a mantle over a window or door.

I imagine a world of sewing groups tied to places of belonging where people sew simple things to help with life’s transitions. Perhaps those groups could be something to reach for when seeking ways to transform raw grief into grateful appreciation and celebration. People, places and simplicity are easily a foundation for recovery and wellness. Imagine joyful, beautiful artefacts as the tangible result of simple sewing responding to inevitable human experiences which can be anything but simple. Simple.

Fiona Caniglia

happiness
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About the Creator

Fiona Caniglia

I love literature and have many interests including cooking, sewing, gardening and football. I have worked in human services for 30 years and love cooking up a storm for family and friends using home-made table cloths for long tables.

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