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Self Isn't a Selfish Word

The love you've always wanted is the love that lives in you.

By M FPublished 4 years ago 17 min read
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Photo cred. Noel Alva & Sadie Bruton

There are so many of us in this world who have hearts of gold. Hearts too gentle, too kind, and too caring for too many of the people in this world. Hearts that will get hurt and hardened by people who they never deserved to know. Hearts that never deserved everything that they had to experience, go through. Hearts that only ever want to see and think the best of people and their intentions.

Your heart is too beautiful, too pure for the tarnished hands that have held it.

These are the hearts who put others before themselves. The ones who give without thinking. Care without asking. Fall without knowing. And love without borders.

The ones that until pain has hurt them over and over again, past their breaking point. They don’t learn. Because they don’t understand how others could hurt them the ways they have. How they could simply not care as much as they do. Disregarded them when they were held in such high regard by their own heart. Who have suffered so much before they finally learn the lessons that they never knew they needed to learn. Before they finally understand that they needed to find themselves, in ways they hadn’t before. Ways that would in time help them find a heart like theirs. Protect a heart like theirs. Teaching them lessons that only pain would make them finally be aware to, wake up to.

"Sometimes to find the way, we must first lose the way."

-Atticus

A heart that seems to be put through de ja vu every time it thinks it finally found love. A heart too big for the heartless of this world. These are the parts of ourselves that no one can really help us find, but that we have to find ourselves. Often through pain, heartache. Never easy. And if you’re reading this now, you will find yourself again. A better self, in a better way. But, you have to want to because no one can do it for you and it is a journey. If you’re reading this now, I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through everything that has brought you to this point. That your heart has been taken advantage of and mistreated by people who didn’t know how to value something so beautiful.

But, know this, this is not the end to your story. Your life story or your love story. This is a new chapter. Not a repeat chapter. The most beautiful chapter is yet to come.

Some of the greatest and most important discoveries and growth in our lives we have to experience. They are the kind of pain that breaks us down to our core. Because these experiences teach us are things happiness and perfection never could. The lessons that you can’t be taught because you have to feel them, at least to truly understand and for it to impress on you. The things that you just want to escape. The things that you don’t understand why they keep happening to you. The things you blame yourself for.

When you’ve lost your footing a few times and been knocked down, fallen to the bottom, but got back up. Given the choice to be defeated or defeat it. To stay down or to get back up. To give up or try again.

“You didn’t go through all that for nothing.”

—Sejal Awatramaney

The kinds of wounds that no matter what you try to do nothing can heal, no one can heal. Except yourself. Except time.

I’m not saying it’s fun. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying that it’s necessary. It’s a part of life. It’s meant to help you, to grow you if you’ll let it. There’s always a choice when you’re hurt, when you’re in pain. Better or bitter. These are the things in life that will teach you things about yourself that change everything and give you a sense of self in the best way possible. And I know that all your life there have probably been people who have told you that putting yourself first, loving yourself is selfish. But, I’m here to tell you that they’re wrong. How can you ever expect someone else to put you first in their lives if you don’t even do that for yourself? How can you expect them to give things to you that you don’t know how to give to yourself? The thing about people is that they will treat you two ways, how they think you should be treated and how you allow them to treat you. What you tolerate. You define how someone treats you more than you know. How to love you by how much you love yourself.

Because self isn’t a selfish word. It takes an incredible strong person to be able to put themselves, their happiness first. To take the time that they need to become the best version of themselves and their emotional health by being alone. To face the things that they fear, learn to live without the things they think they need from other people. Validation. Love. Approval. Sense of worth. Belonging. Identity. Happiness. Ultimately dependence…

But, you can’t learn these things if you’re still seeking them in someone else. You can’t learn how to love yourself when you’re worried about loving someone else. Finding yourself is a wholesome journey, one that you have to take alone. One that you can’t take the easy path to. One that you can’t find in someone else. One that there isn’t a blueprint to. A leap of faith. Scary, but worth it.

You don’t even realizing that everything you’ve gotten used to finding in others you can give to themselves. To begin to understand that you don’t need anyone else to survive, to complete you. And that when you seek that in someone else, you’re wanting them in your life for all the wrong reasons. And in turn your relationship with that person isn’t based on a healthy foundation because you aren’t whole by yourself.

Choosing to be single can be an incredibly empowering and liberating experience that can grow you tremendously as a person if you allow it to. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t capable of being in a relationship or that you don’t want to be. It means that you are choosing you in the present because that’s who you need to spend time with. It’s something you do for you. Not something you have to do, but something you need to do. Anyone who looks down on you for being single and choosing you isn’t someone that you need in your life. You have to learn how to be alone before you can be with someone else without putting unrealistic expectations onto them that they never should be responsible for satisfying.

Anyone who wants the best for you and truly cares will support and respect you tremendously for that choice.

No one really ever tell you that you have to learn how to love yourself. No one tell you how to. No one tells you what you’ll probably have to go through to get to the other side. The better side. To finally learn to put yourself first and learn how to have a healthy relationship with yourself and others. No one ever tells you about the pain.

The journey to self-love and everything it encompasses. Self worth. Self care. Self value. Self confidence. Independence. Internal happiness. And your identity.

Relearning, realigning the dependence you’ve used others to fulfill by learning to depend only on yourself. How to heal yourself. How to save yourself.

The power of your emotions, feelings, vulnerability, happiness and whether you get hurt or taken advantage of. It’s all in your hands. All the power that you’ve given away was yours to begin with. It always has been. And your reactions or actions won't change the things that people do or don't do. You can only control you and how the things that happen around you affect you. You take your power back by learning to give yourself the most important thing you could ever give, love. Live as a cause, not as an effect.

"Greet the world with no expectation. Love as though you have never been hurt or betrayed. Let go of the ones who take so much from you yet offer nothing in return. This is how you take your power back."

-Lang Leav

You have to be so confident in yourself and wanting what’s best for you and your happiness that anyone who questions that or tries to change you or tell you that you’re being selfish you don’t allow. You have to know what you deserve and not settle for anything else. Knowing your worth and no longer allow people to walk all over you taking advantage of your kindness and generously, caring heart.

Without taking the time to get to know yourself, your true self. Your real self. Without establishing these things deep within yourself, you will make choices and allow people into your life who you will cause you unnecessary pain and whom you never should have given the time of day to. People who don’t belong in your life. Who don’t deserve you. People who will walk all over you, treat you like dirt and know that you’ll still be there for them.

No matter what they do to you, they’ll take every part of you until all you know, all you are, is because of them. Until you will be so lost in them that you feel like you can’t live without them. Using you for everything that you can do for them and hitting you up when it’s convenient for them.

It all comes back to self-love. So much of all the relationships we have, how we lives our lives, how we treat others, how we treat ourselves. It’s how we see ourselves. How we take care of ourselves. How much we know ourselves. How we love ourselves. And that will teach you standards that will protect your heart. Bringing those into your life who belong, lifting you higher instead of holding you down or holding you back. Encouraging your self-growth and self-love. Never trying to convince you that loving yourself first and not being dependent on anyone else is wrong. Finding peace in knowing that you don’t need anyone. No longer anxiously jumping into things, but being content and open to possibilities knowing that you’ll know when the right people come into your life. Because they’ll come when you aren’t looking. Those that will compliment instead of completing you.

You should never get into something or try to force something just for the sake of having something. Out of fear of being alone. That alone is a red flag. Not just for them, but for yourself.

Blinding desire that will leave to naive choices that rarely ends well.

People will come and go. Not all relationships are meant to last. Not all friendships will be forever. Life will challenge you. But, at the end of the day how much you love yourself will determine how much those affect you and how you deal with them. How you cope. How you heal. How dependent your happiness is. How you value things in life and what matters. How much you care. How you find peace and balance.

You have to find those things within yourself or you'll never feel any sort of equilibrium in any part of your life.

Life is so much more than what is happening around you. It's about what's happening inside of you. When what's inside you matters more than what is happening around you or what others do, you'll be so much happier.

"I have so much peace in my life because I don't tolerate anything from anyone who doesn't deserve an emotional reaction from me. Understand that you don't need people and the only people you should allow in your space are the ones who promote peace and joy. Pay attention to the way others make you feel and if it's anything less than what you deserve. Remove them from your life. In the real world and via social media."

—r.h. Sin

You have to learn to love yourself more than you love anyone else. Because that is the love that will protect you from those who don’t love you like you love them. Your love is a great love, but you have to understand that not everybody else's is. This love that will help your heart make the choices that it needs to be happy, free.

The day you fully understand that the greatest love that you will ever feel and know is the one that you can give to yourself. That will be the day you'll become capable of giving and recieve more love than you ever have, the right love. It never happens overnight, often takes years to fully understand and embrace. Because it isn't the kind of love that means buying yourself nice gifts once a week, it's the kind that affects all aspects of your life by the choices you make every day. The kind that changes your why.

Nothing is wrong with you. You've just been looking for the love you want in all the wrong places, people. And you've never taken the time to truly love yourself and get to know yourself especially the parts of yourself that you don't want to always feel. The parts you try to ignore and hope others don't see. These are the parts of you that make you, you. The parts that if you choose to embrace you'll learn aren't so scary at all. These parts are as much a part of you as the parts that you love and you are a masterpiece.

You're capable of all the love that you want to find, but you have to first give that to yourself.

The love you give to yourself means your happiness stops being dependent on others. You stop caring what they think so much. You stop overthinking, worrying. You stop thinking others are thinking negative things about you because you are confident in yourself and know you're doing what is best for you. You'll stop creating problems in your head with yourself that aren't even real. Things you feel even though you don't even realize that everyone else is more worried about themselves than what you're doing. You are whatever you think you are. But, all these things that you think in your head are self-created. Things that you give life to in your head because that is what you think of yourself, undermining your worth and value. You just have to remember that you are what you think you are, not what someone makes you think you are. Your mentality and how you view yourself is everything, a direct reflection of how much you love yourself.

"You can’t expect others to view you as a positive if you view yourself as a negative. You can’t expect them to see you as a benefit if you see yourself as a burden."

-m.f.

You'll be able to separate love from being taken advantage of, walked all over. Trying for something that is worth it versus wasting your time. You'll stop trying so hard for people to be in your life who don't try for you. Waiting around for people who don't deserve you. Expecting things from people never capable of giving. Detaching from the people and things that are no longer good for you. Worrying about the things you say and do. Giving someone a second chance and just making excuses. Not being afraid to say no. Worrying about what others think of you. Riding along with the rollercoaster of life instead of trying to control it.

A shift in who you are and how you live your life. Words that you've probably heard a million times, but finally believe. Finally are learning how to make come alive.

There are so many people in this life that don't really want you for who you are, who won't love you for who you are. Who want to hold you back, want you to stay the same. Who want you to depend on them, need them. Who don't want you to be the best version of yourself if it means you will see them for who they truly are. Who will be very reluctant and unsupportive to your trying to better yourself simply because it means you will be different than the person they've known. Who don't even know what it's like to love themselves. And there are so many people who will want all the best for you and will love you no matter what. Who will encourage you to find yourself and love yourself. Change is only a giant if you make it one.

It's hard to see clearly people for who they truly are and their intentions when you don't know what it looks like, what it feel like. To love yourself. To find yourself.

"A lot of things broke my heart but fixed my vision."

You'll start making choices best for you instead of choices best for everyone else. You'll be able to walk away from things that aren't good for you without feeling bad, feeling guilty. You'll stand up for yourself and the things you want. The things you deserve without feeling like it's asking too much. Your perspective will shift because you'll understand how important it is to put yourself first. And you wont ever jeopardize losing your identity and sacrificing your happiness for someone else again. You'll learn how to let things go, how to let people go without ever getting the answers you so desperately once wanted.

You'll learn that self isn't a selfish word.

At the end of the day, after the world around you stops. People will come and go. Good and bad things will happen. Ups and downs. You're left with your self. Your happiness and your life. The question is, is that a self that you're happy with? A self that is whole without anyone else. A self that after everything, loves themselves.

It's never wrong to choose you. Putting your happiness first. Letting go of people and things that are hurting you isn't mean. It's mean to your heart to keep them in your life allowing them to keep hurting you when the pain is so unnecessary.

What hurts worse, the pain your heart feels because you think you can't live without someone, or the pain of growth and change in doing what is going to better you? Pain is often the guiding force that we need to snap us into reality. Unfortunately, it usually takes us a long time to realize that and we are shattered to pieces when we finally say enough.

I wish these were things that I could teach you But, these are the things that we all have to learn—by ourselves. In our own time. In our own experiences. From our own pain. Because until we are brought to a breaking point, we aren't ready to embrace them.

The openness often comes from the cracks left in our hearts from being broken.

We aren't ready to learn all over again things contradictory to how we've lived in ourselves all our lives. Contradictory to the only version of ourselves that we've known. But, until then maybe this will inspire a little part of your self to start to love yourself and start to put yourself first more than you have been.

Few of us are ever willing to challenge who we are until we are broken. Few of us think we need to find ourselves until we are lost.

There is so much more to life than just finding someone to love, someone to love you. You don't need someone to fill you with love. Until you fully learn how to love yourself, how to look to yourself for the things you've gotten from others; you'll never truly find yourself.

"We are all born free and spend a lifetime to our own false truths."

-Atticus

Finding yourself comes from learning to love yourself. And that is something that so many of us get forget to do, never taught how important it is. Take the time to be single. It is an beautiful opportunity, not a punishment. Getting to know the most intimate parts of yourself is a stage of life that you can keep trying to skip, but can't escape forever.

Making conscious decisions that will better you long term emotional health and happiness instead of satisfying your present impulses.

Acknowledge it and unlock a kind of love you never knew possible. Be honest with yourself. Stop playing the victim. Be patient with yourself and the process. Fall in love with yourself. You owe it to yourself.

“Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you are climbing it.”

-Andy Rooney

Photo credit: Noel Alva & Sadie Bruton

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About the Creator

M F

Your Feelings Are Valid Author. Chainsmokers and Fletcher fanatic. Quote lover. More emotional than your typical Capricorn. TPA. ISTJ. Lesbian. Asian.

Insta: @garnishdaddy. Owner of Native Cocktail Events

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