Save Me, President Jesus, I'm Bored In The USA

Through no fault of our own, every American (indeed, everyone world-wide) is in detention. For the first couple months, it was great. We could sleep in, eat whenever we wanted, laze in a hot bubble bath, and watch TV until we went into a coma. Good times.

The 61st day, though, saw us bored to tears. We'd deep cleaned the house, made the yard look like a formal garden, waxed the driveway, gave the dog a perm, and discovered eBay and Amazon. Seriously. What in the world are we going to do today?

The news (fake or otherwise) is telling us we'll never see the light of day. We have disappeared beneath unshaved legs, unkempt hair, and we are now officially Jenny Craig rejects. We don't want to see the light of day for fear we'd scare somebody. But what in the world are we going to do today?

Those who work have made arrangements with their companies to work remotely. Those who have always worked from home continue to do so. Some outside the home workers are “essential.” The vast majority of workers, though, are on unemployment. Save me, President Jesus, I'm bored in the USA, sang Father John Misty. This guy unknowingly gave us the background music for the times we're living through (bless you, Father, for you were right.)

If we can't work much, have turned our homes into showplaces, and have the prettiest dog on the block, then we have to come up with something creative to do. Feel free to add to the list if you have something really cool.

1. YouTube. There are millions of tutorials on YT. Make your own describing how to make those leftover pacifiers (the baby is 13) into earrings, how to use brown gravy mix as foundation powder, or how to write a Diary of a Mad Camel Toed Irish Dancer. You know, get creative (weird works, too.)

2. Learn to juggle livers. No one's eating them anyway.

3. Start and “I'm Bored” channel on Spotify. Upload every single song dealing with boredom and share it with your friends and family.

4. Take photos of odd things such as ants crawling on a piece of food and the whole spectacle looks surprisingly like Miley Cyrus' face. Upload them not just to Facebook and Instagram, but also to paid photograph sites. Somebody somewhere will pay to have a picture of Miley Cyrus looking like that.

5. Call your mother and grandmother. Not only won't they be there forever, but one of them usually has something laugh worthy on the weird scale. It could be compression socks (when your mother or grandmother have never even worn socks,) oddball things they've made planters out of such as the wheels of the '77 Thunderbird Pop wouldn't let go of, or the sentences they guess you're saying because they can't hear you nor read lips (I get that one all the time; my granddaughter just laughs and laughs. Pass me the wine.)

6. Fold the toilet paper into flowers or bow ties.

7. Make sculptures out of the fresh veggies like a forest of broccoli wherein one of the kids' toy dinosaurs can hide, or animal faces made from cookies in the frosting of cupcakes, or use Skittles or M&Ms to make a plate of Donkey Kong or Sonic the Hedgehog characters.

8. Invent something. I wish someone would come up with an answering machine for ringing ears or an arm elongator for putting pain patches on spots on your back you can't reach any other way (and no one's around to help.) What would you like to see invented?

See? I'm pretty sure there are gazillions of websites with ideas for staving off boredom, but I go in for the absurd. It's funnier. So, in answer to “what do you feel like doin' tonight? I say “let's make a yard sign using macaroni in the shape of Ms. Pacman!”