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Ranking Pfizer Conspiracy Theories Post Dose 1

Spoiler: I'm not a magnet

By J.R. SonderPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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Ranking Pfizer Conspiracy Theories Post Dose 1
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Full disclosure, at first, I was hesitant to get vaxxed. I was afraid and fell into the conspiracy theory propaganda traps. My sister, a walking fact-checker, shut it down real quick.

I got my first Pfizer dose last week.

I thought I'd rank my post-dose experience against vaccine conspiracy theories.

Clearly, I've got a lot to do in lockdown (I do, actually, but my mental health is on a semi-solid decline).

The Conspiracy Theories

  1. The vaccines make you magnetic
  2. Microchips are in COVID-19 vaccines to track you
  3. Your DNA is rewritten by the COVID-19 vaccines
  4. Big Pharma wants to make Big Bank
  5. The vaccines make you a sheep

The Points System!

The vaccines make you magnetic

By Louis Hansel on Unsplash

This conspiracy suggests when you take the vaccine, you'll become magnetic. I'm not sure there are many benefits to being magnetic. I can't list a magnetic superhero off the top of my head, so… Also, my siblings laughed at me because I looked like a fool holding spoons to the injection site.

Let's get ranking!

Was it likely to happen? - 0 

I couldn't find metal in the ingredient list.

Did it scare me? - 5

A little bit. The way the pandemic has been handled has revealed the incompetence of many governments. Trusting them in their vaccine choice was a big ask.

Did it make me laugh? - 30

Yes. I held spoons to my body.

Did I want it to happen? - 0

No, not a cool side effect.

Did it happen? - 0

It did not.

Total - 35

Microchips are in COVID-19 vaccines to track you

By Brian Kostiuk on Unsplash

Technically, we're always being tracked. Got a phone? You're being tracked. The smallest tracking chip is bigger than the pinprick of the needle used on me. Why be all up in arms about a tracking chip in you when there is one always on you?

Was it likely to happen? - 5

It could have happened. My googling was the bare minimum. Also, I watched a TikTok about a lady who has a chip in her hand and uses it to turn lights on.

Did it scare me? - 0

No. If I were afraid of being tracked, I'd go offline and into the woods.

Did it make me laugh? - 0

No. I saw the size of the microchip needle and nearly hurled.

Did I want it to happen? - 0

No. For the same reason, it didn't make me laugh.

Did it happen? - 0

It did not.

Total - 5

Your DNA is rewritten by the COVID-19 vaccines

By Braňo on Unsplash

This article explains that the mRNA transmits information to the body's cells but doesn't go anywhere near the cell's nucleus, which is where the DNA is located. That's good because, in my head, I imagined scientists at a yet-to-be-announced Jurassic Park. We know how that turned out.

Was it likely to happen? - 0

No.

Did it scare me? - 5

Yes! I didn't trust my chances of being warped into a raptor on the slight chance that it happened. I'd be the damn compy's.

Did it make me laugh? - 30

Yes, the Jurassic Park theme music was in my head for days.

Did I want it to happen? - 0

Not on my bucket list.

Did it happen? - 0

No.

Total - 35

Big Pharma wants to make Big Bank

By Myriam Zilles on Unsplash

I'm always on board to rip big Pharma companies to shreds. Medicine and health are my basic human rights, and they should be free. To me, big Pharma is a paradox of keeping you balanced between healthy and sick. While technically, I did pay for it with my taxes, I didn't have to pay anyone on the day.

Was it likely to happen? - 5

Yeah! They'll make money wherever they can.

Did it scare me? - 5

I was worried I'd have to pay out-of-pocket.

Did it make me laugh? - 0

No, this one's quite serious.

Did I want it to happen? - 0

Also, no.

Did it happen? - 0

No.

Total - 10

The vaccines make you a sheep

By Sam Carter on Unsplash

In case you didn't know, following health advice and health orders makes you a sheep. A follower. If I think about history and history in the making, sometimes the right thing to do is so obvious it makes people blind. Getting the Covid-19 vaccine is the right thing to do.

Was it likely to happen? - 5

Oh, yes. Once I calmed down and stepped away from the fear-mongering and read up on it, the only thing that stopped me was there were no bookings.

Did it scare me? - 0

Not enough to refuse it once I understood the benefits.

Did it make me laugh? - 30

Yes! Me a sheep? Never.

Did I want it to happen? - 30

I did!

Did it happen? - 30

Yes. As we can see from the creation of this article.

Total - 95

Final Scores

  1. The vaccines make you magnetic - 35
  2. Microchips are in COVID-19 vaccines to track you - 5
  3. Your DNA is rewritten by the COVID-19 vaccines - 35
  4. Big Pharma wants to make Big Bank - 10
  5. The vaccines make you a sheep - 95

The winner is: the vaccines make you a sheep.

What actually happened

Thankfully, I was able to get the vaccine at my local medical centre, and the nurse who jabbed me was kind. My appointment ran early, and I was back home within an hour.

While a few of my friends who got the vaccine had an aching arm and flu-like symptoms, I was mostly tired. I slept for the better part of three days, and when I returned to (online) work, I got headaches and ran out of energy quicker.

But when I say tired, I mean more like depression exhaustion. The kind where your body aches at the mere thought of moving from the mattress.

It's been a week now, and while I do get a little sleepy, I think it's a combination of the 68 days in a hard lockdown and the following the health orders sheep mentality.

Baa, bitch.

Do I feel safer? Abso-fuckin-lutley.

I got inspiration and information from the following de-bunking of vaccine conspiracy theories - this article and this journal.

Go get vaxxed!

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About the Creator

J.R. Sonder

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