Quarantina Awakens

I've decided how to spend my first day out when Illinois' shelter-in-place order lifts: I'm going to spend it being cheesy.

That's right. I'm going to go outside and get it in like Cam'Ron in a 90's hip-hop video. So, I don't have a prerequisite pink fur or Ace of Spades bottle laying around the house but I'm planning to do the things I dared not do for fear of being labeled cheesy prior to the Covid-19 lockdowns.

First up, I'm going to dress in an ultra coordinated outfit; jeans will match the shirt, shirt will match the shoes, shoes will match the socks and the fitted cap to accompany them all will perfectly match the color palette of the aforementioned outfit.

I plan on pulling out all the stops and making my 8-year-old nephew take pictures on the GoPro I ordered during quarantine for The 'Gram. After sunlight has been lost for the day, I'll nix the nephew, set up a tripod and become my own photographer. That way I can capture at least a week's worth of thirst traps, subtly posing shirtless but with a sports bra on to keep it classy.

After getting all dressed up and becoming an Instagram model for the day, I'll take the time to hit on at least three women doing their best to maintain zero eye contact with headphones on the orange line train to downtown. Then I'll stop by every premium goods store on the Magnificent Mile. Well, at least I'll stop long enough in front of it to snap photos, posting them on Snapchat with the caption: glad we're getting back to normal.

Next, I'll go to lunch at some expensive restaurant and order bread while taking copious pictures of the front of the menu, being sure to flash the expensive watch my ex gave me in the photos. I may even take a picture of the bread and include a witty remark on making that bread in Chicago. This post will probably go onto my story as well as our story on Snapchat as well as my IG story. You know what I'm saying? Can't miss an opportunity to stunt on em.

Next, I'll borrow someone's car. Maybe my moms or aunt's luxury vehicle and be sure to Snap a pic of me inspecting my nonexistent manicure with the car's steering wheel and subsequent brand logo in the background. Now I've got to make it a video so I can bump whatever the trendiest song is of the week.

I'll probably end the night not only making topless thirst traps but pretending to workout in my home gym (which consists of a mini-treadmill I found on sale, stationary bike and two sets of 10 lb. weights). Maybe shooting another trap of me in a towel out of the shower looking into a steamy mirror. Yea, that's the ticket.

The end of this era of social distance and self-imposed isolation will be marked by me hurling myself into all the vanity-driven cliches that marked this era before Covid. You can bet your bottom dollar once Quarantina arises out of the ashes of this pandemic, her cheesiness will be at all-time high.

Bet. See I think the thing that was stopping me from being all the cheese that I could be is my fear of looking bad and realizing how materialistic and cheesy people looked when they flashed their money or brand names for us to all to see. Before quarantine, I had taken stock of my life and decided I didn't want to be like them. I wanted to have some substance and be concerned with humanity and empathy; helping the world.

But no more. If being unable to connect with other humans on a physical, social level has taught me anything, it's taught me to embrace the cheese. Be over-the-top, stop holding it in. Glamorize dumb stuff and release your inner-putz. Let the world enjoy you being a vapid wasteland of no self-reflection or humility. I mean, we're all here in the tepid social fabric of instant-gratification and picture-perfect, faux reality together so, when in Rome?

Plus, this will probably get me more followers.