Push, Push, Push

by Courtney Frazer 10 months ago in happiness

The Struggle

Push, Push, Push

I push, push, and push. I push my body way past my limitations some days and I still feel like I'm 10 steps behind my peers. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying to continue, merely survive, but I don't know how to keep up in this busy world. No matter what I do, I’m left feeling exhausted and the things I will try are not enough to add up to the things someone else has already done.

While I work two jobs, I feel I need three to provide for myself and still I would just barely make it. I hardly have the energy to keep up with one, but here I am pushing myself again to survive. I go and I go and I go, again pushing myself beyond my limits. I wonder if I stop if I can find a way to make it, but at the same time I don’t think it will help with paying the bills.

I feel sick and run down and I question if I should quit one. While it would help my exhaustion, how would I make it in this money driven world we live in? All the appointments I need to go to, these things don’t come free. There’s a specialty fee for neurology and physical therapy and anything else that I need. We won’t even get into the costs of medications and the underlying cost of just having insurance to partially cover these things.

When I must take the time to recover, I don't get paid for not going in. My bills suffer and here we are again. I feel alone and defeated and I’m not sure what will help me get to where I need to be. I search online and try different ways, but I feel I’ve succumbed to the corporate ways. Even with a degree I feel stuck and not okay, but everything I need is hopefully going to fall into place.

Sometimes I wonder if there's an easier path. A hidden secret that nobody's let me in. Then I remember, I can't let my mind wander because I need to get busy climbing again. Somehow, I make it work day after day, but I’m tired of just sliding by. I want to find a way to continue and feel like everything will be okay instead of just scraping by and living from paycheck to paycheck wondering what bills to pay next. I can only imagine a day when I don’t have to prioritize the way I pay my bills. If I didn’t have this disease, I think my costs would stay way down. I wouldn’t have to worry about having health insurance at all because I’d be able to survive, or I could maintain a cheap plan. I wouldn’t have all the co-pays and the other fees, and I’d be able to save.

No matter what it takes, I push myself again and again until I make it through. Despite all the ways life gets in the way, I find a way to make it work for me. I keep dreaming of a simpler time, but for now, this lifestyle will have to do. Even when feeling this way, the one thing that has never let me down is maintaining a positive attitude. Things may be tough, but I am learning several different lessons. In a world designed to break me, I come back fighting harder. I’m here to show you that yes; life is hard, but at the same time, it’s a beautiful path full of learning and lessons while we travel our journey in our own separate ways.

Courtney Frazer
Courtney Frazer
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Courtney Frazer

Courtney has been published on Yahoo Voices, Wikinut, The National Monitor, and most recently, Vocal. She has an AA degree in Humanities and Psychology and a BS Degree in Business Finance. 

See all posts by Courtney Frazer