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Phucking Crossroads

by Diana Iser 3 years ago in happiness

I matter

How on Earth do I even begin to "start"? If only life were as easy as this piece. Things would be simple, and my sanity wouldn't be at risk of becoming obsolete. See writing is like breathing for me, next to speaking. The one thing I have never had an issue with is expressing how I feel. When I was 16 years old, I thought that being 27 was not only a lifetime away, but that age and happiness are part of a lifetime combo package. Boy, was I wrong. The older I get the more turbulence seems to follow. Now, don't get me wrong, a little bit of shake down can do the soul good, but man is it challenging! I am 27, I am newly married, I am employed, I am a student, I am an an artist, a creative if you must, a daughter, I am a woman, and of course I am human. All these "things" that I am seem to have their own roles with different responsibilities.

Honestly, who the fuck gets to decide what the fuck I'm responsible for? I am at a fork currently in the road that is my mind. Who am I, and what is my purpose? I should be asking some kind of higher power right? Well, I am not so fucking sure that the big man or woman has any answers for me. I am constantly conflicted on how to act, how to speak, how to feel; I mean the list fucking goes on. I have reached a point where I no longer want to conform to these "societal norms" of what I should be doing in all my respective roles. Take for example my marriage... I am expected to cater to my husband by being reasonable, tolerable, aware, understanding, patient, loving, sexual, exciting, happy, domestic, fucking Einstein!

I am spreading myself thin, and we all know toast is better with a thick layer of jelly. What about my feelings? What about my future, and my career? Do those things now fall lower in my list of priorities? The fuck they do! My father always said to me that in order to provide anything for anyone else, you have to put yourself first, second, and last. I try to do this all the time, because I know that if I don't love myself, I cant love anybody else. If I am not doing good then I am going to be intolerable company. If I am not smart enough, I wont be able to make good choices. If I am not self sufficient I can't help make the world a better place. I mean seriously can I breathe for a moment? I want to be human so badly, without the added stressors of being all these other "things."

I deserve a chance to flourish outside of my parter and outside of the titles and responsibilities. I am so tired of conforming, and trying to make people like me, or love me for the act i'm performing. The facade I have chosen to participate in, that of social media, and societal fucking success. Like what on Earth even is success? Like what makes you successful? What is it that we are all chasing? I want to be open, and I want to be free. Truth of the matter is that freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be. If I was free, I wouldn't be angry. I wouldn't be motivated or passionate about making a dent or a difference. If I was free my tribulations would serve a purpose, I would be less relatable, and a mere spec in existence. So, here I am trapped, yet free enough to let my captive (life) know that I have a voice, and that it matters.

happiness

Diana Iser

unapologetically me.

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