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On: Just Being.

by Stacey Vella 13 days ago in healing
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Overlooked Successes / A Letter to Myself: Past, Present and Future.

Someone recently told me that all we have to do is just be, regardless of what ‘being’ might mean to us.

‘Just be and have pride in knowing you are ABLE to just breathe and be, and that alone is enough. You are living and the very purpose of your life is to be present, in whichever way that looks to you, in whichever way that brings you the most peace, joy, and ease.’ - Alexis Creamer

It’s really stuck with me, and I think we could all benefit from the reminder to just be. Thank you Alexis.

It’s lead to me reflecting on how I judge myself and how I tend to focus on what I am not, rather than what I am.

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I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for all the times I made you feel as though you weren’t enough.

For all the hatred I threw at you.

For all the years I spent making you think there was something wrong with you.

For the memories I stopped you making.

I’m sorry to the child I made grow up so fast – you were already older than your years and I took away the last of your youth.

I’m sorry for the lies I made you tell – and even more for the ones I made you believe.

I’m sorry for the times I failed you in not trying, or not believing.

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I wrote previously about my failures, or perceived failures - depending on how you look at things, how you determine failure, and how you measure success. I stand by my feelings – and whilst I know that my ‘lack of success’ in some areas does not equate to a failed life, I know that these individual failings will stick with me. And that’s ok. I know that regretting anything in life is pointless and that living in the past is a futile endeavour, however it is impossible not to spend time thinking, or wishing I could go back and change things. Instead of forgetting and moving on, I will keep these regrets with me, accept them and try to use them as reminders of where I’ve been and where I have absolutely no intention of returning to.

I’ve focused on the litany of failures I’ve thought my life to be and yet I have not taken the time to consider the successes. Often – if not always, the bad tends to overshadow the good until you can’t see anything other than the bad and you end up trapped and unable to even recognise all that you have managed or accomplished.

We are conditioned to detect our own failings, to critically assess our every move, to compare our progress to those around us. Society has trained us to measure ourselves against standards we do not need, to determine how well we are doing, to decide if we are successful – or where we should be in life, and in doing this, society has failed us. It has taken away the essence of what matters.

In my obsession with noticing, cataloguing – and dwelling on my own failures I’ve prevented myself seeing what’s important. I’ve not taken the time to congratulate myself for all the things I have achieved. I’ve not taken the time to appreciate that I’m still here and able to just breathe and be - and that alone is a win.

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I’m sorry I did not recognise how strong you are, how strong you have always been.

I’m sorry I did not praise you - or thank you.

I’m sorry it’s taken this long to realise this

I’m sorry I forgot who you were.

I’m sorry it will take time for you to figure it out.

I’m sorry for all the wasted hours, days, and weeks.

(Months).

(Years).

---

So fuck feeling like a failure and fuck not feeling enough.

Here’s to just being.

Whatever that may mean for any of us.

healing

About the author

Stacey Vella

'Life is difficult, and I am a very useless person'

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