No Matter What, Smile, Always Smile

December 2017, Thursday evening (or was it already Friday morning?)

“So, how long are you staying for?” — asked Uri.

“Only till Tuesday. Then I fly to Frankfurt, stay with Annie for a week, and back to Australia,” — I replied

“Okay… This was a short visit, as always… Anyway, what are you doing on Sunday?” asked Uri, and without waiting for my answer, she chuckled and continued in a cheeky way, “Actually, I don’t care. Whatever you are doing, cancel; you have to have time for me. I hardly ever get to see you, and I want to take you somewhere special.”

“Okay, no worries. You know, I always have time for you.” — I replied playfully and continued, “Where do you want to take me?”

“That’s a surprise.” — she chuckled.

“Oh, common! Tell me! You know how curious and impatient I’m. So tell me, please!!!” — I didn’t give up.

“I know, and it’s why I don’t tell you. I love teasing you!” — she laughed and added, “Sunday, 8 am, I will come with my family and pick you up.”

“Okay, I can’t wait to see you and resolve my mystery!” — I laughed.

Decades Earlier

Uri and I have known each other probably our entire life. Our families visited the same church, and it’s how we got to know each other. In the beginning, we weren’t close friends, but as teenagers, things changed, and we connected strongly. Troubles, pain and laughter brought us together.

Uri came from a disadvantaged family. Her father was an alcoholic who abused his family daily. Her mum suffered from neurosis and other effects of constant physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Her brothers had some disabilities also caused by the abuse. She loved her family and tried to support them as much as she could while studying and trying to build up her own life. The only thing that kept her going was… laughter. She always laughed; her motto was “no matter what, smile, always smile”.

I came from a loving family; however, when I was a teenager, many things in my life went wrong. My beloved grandpa died, I wasn’t accepted at my new school, and teachers and students bullied me. My parents had a lot of financial troubles and no time for me. I felt unloved and lonely, and as a result, I found myself interacting with the “wrong environment”. In the end, I was a victim of sexual assault (for which I was blamed too. Even the cops laughed at me, a 16 years old lost girl, and told me the assault was my fault. It didn’t matter that the abuser was in his mid-twenties, and I was practically still a kid). At some point, it got so bad that I didn’t want to exist anymore… But I survived, and somehow laughter kept me going too.

Usually, Uri and I met at some church activities and afterwards, we walked together to the bus stop. It was only a 10–15 min walk, but often it took us almost an hour to reach our destination because we laughed so hard that we couldn’t walk. We talked about what happened during the week, trying to concentrate on the little funny things we enjoyed, but even if we mentioned some painful events, we said it in a way that made us laugh.

People from outside believed we were a couple of careless happy teenage girls without any problems or sorrows, enjoying our life to the fullest. Nobody knew what we were really going through, and we were happy with the image we created.

In the mid-90ties, a year before I emigrated and our friendship afterwards.

My sister’s friend from Germany gave me information about an agency organising exchange programs with Germany, giving young Polish people the opportunity to improve their German language skills while living and working in Germany as an AU Pair. Of course, I immediately had to share the news with Uri. She had much better chances to emigrate than I did. (I described this situation in more detail in another article)

Uri didn’t have the courage to emigrate and leave her friends behind. I, on the contrary, was too afraid to miss out on a great opportunity, and though my chances of getting accepted into the program were close to zero, I applied, and somehow I succeeded. And so I left Poland for Germany. Since then, our lives have taken completely different turns.

Uri’s everyday life is so very different from mine. We live in diverse worlds; we face entirely different challenges. Our success (or failure) has disparate meanings for us. Yet our friendship has never changed. Though we rarely meet, when we see each other, we talk as if we were catching up regularly, as if there was no distance between us. We understand each other as great as we did decades ago. And yes, we still laugh a lot, even when we talk about heartbreaking experiences. What should we do? Cry and drown ourselves in self-pity? These would destroy us. We prefer to laugh and gain strength.

In the end, friendship is about understanding, support and love. It is not going about what we have or what we lack. It’s not about what caused our happiness and joy (or our pain and sadness) but about comprehending the joy (and pain) we are experiencing. I will never truly comprehend the joy of getting your disabled daughter included in classes for mentally healthy children. Still, I do understand how it feels when all our efforts get rewarded, and we feel successful. She will never understand how it feels when you can’t share your everyday life with your soulmate and you can’t have a family with the person you love, but she understands sadness and trauma so that she can comprehend my pain.

Back to December 2017

Before I even landed in Europe, I asked my parents to get in touch with Uri’s family and get her phone number (Uri doesn’t have time for social media etc., so we aren’t in touch regularly).

As soon as I arrived at my parents’ place, I called Uri.

“I’m at my parents! We have to meet! When do you have time?” — I asked Uri in a super excited voice, like a teenager who wants to share all her secrets with her bestie.

“I can’t believe you are here! Let me check my calendar… How about Thursday after 5 pm?” — she replied, full of excitement.

“Sounds perfect! Where?” — I answered with a question

“I’ll pick you up and take you to my favourite tavern. I still can’t believe I get to see you! How exciting!!!”

That Thursday, Uri picked me up, and we went to the tavern. We talked for hours, exchanging all that had happened in our lives since we last saw each other, utterly oblivious to the passing time. At some point, the waitress came and politely asked us if we could leave because they would like to close. It was well after 10 pm.

After we left the tavern, we drove to my apartment in my parents’ house and continued chatting. At some point, I glimpsed at the watch.

“It’s 2 am! What about your husband?! He will be worried about you!” — I exclaimed, concerned about Uri and her husband.

“Oh, don’t worry. I told him I was catching up with you, and we have plenty to talk about; therefore, he shouldn’t expect me before morning. He knows us, doesn’t he?” — she laughed.

“Oh yes, you are right! He surely does know us,” — I replied, and we both laughed.

That evening ended with the conversation I wrote at the beginning of this post.

The Sunday I will never forget.

Spot on 8 am, Uri and her family arrived at my home. It was the first time I met her daughter and understood which challenges Uri had to face daily. Her daughter is severely disabled, but thanks to her mum, she has a chance to live in society and not be locked in an institution.

I started to admire Uri not only as my friend and a wonderful person but also as an amazing mum. At that moment, my life appeared so simple, and all my challenges so tiny compared to what she had to face.

We drove for a while, chatting and laughing. I forgot I didn’t know where we were going and didn’t even think about it until I glimpsed out of the window and saw familiar scenery. I turned to Uri and said, “We are on the way to Wisla, aren’t we?” She looked at me and smiled.

“I loved this town! We used to love it!” I exclaimed with the excitement of a little child at Christmas

“I want to take you to a special place”, — she replied with a gentle smile but in a serious voice.

We arrived at our destination and went for a walk through the parks, which… in some respect, looked different from how I remembered them, but they felt exactly as they did decades ago.

“Do you remember how we used to walk here during our summer camp and laugh to the point we weren’t able to catch a breath?” — she asked me with a wistful smile.

“How could I forget that? These are one of the best memories of my teenage years,” — I replied with a smile feeling an acute nostalgia overwhelming me.

Suddenly I was transferred to the blissful times of my adolescent years. Yes, I faced a fair share of pain even in those days, but somehow all the problems I faced as a teenager seemed so tiny compared to everything else that followed. I felt happy and thankful to Uri that she decided to take me to this place and share our beautiful memories with her family.

We stopped in front of a familiar-looking building.

“Do you remember where we used to get ice cream?” — she asked me with a subtle smile and a spark in her eyes.

“This can’t be true… All these years later?! It is still here?!” — I replied in disbelief when I recognised the building in front of me.

“Yes, it is still here… And this is the place I wanted to take you to. I want to invite you for ice cream here,” — she replied in a warm and soft voice.

“Uri… thank you so much for bringing me here, but… Let me invite you. It is much too expensive…” — I felt very emotional but also somehow awkward because… I knew about her financial struggles, not to mention that we can’t compare a teacher’s salary in Poland with the income of an IT consultant in Australia.

“Jan, please, let me invite you. Please don’t take the pleasure away from me,” — Uri replied thoughtfully, and I took her offer.

We enjoyed the ice cream as we did decades ago, laughed, and had such a great time as if we were careless teenagers again.

A friend is someone who knows your heart and your soul. Our circumstances and preferences can change, and they often do, yet our hearts and core hardly ever change. With the passing years and experiences, we just become more like ourselves. After all these years of limited contact, Uri still knew what would touch me and make me happy and how to create more unforgettable memories that we will cherish for the rest of our lives.

I am grateful I was blessed with a friend like Uri.

Note: This story I originally published on Medium: No Matter What, Smile, Always Smile