New Year New Me: Not Quite

2020 has been a crazy year for the WHOLE entire world, myself included. I know that I am so ready for this year to be over! I’ve seen so many social media posts regarding the new year ranging from: “declare your intentions” to “walk in really slowly and don’t touch anything.” This year I am going to take a distinct approach to the upcoming year. My plan is to just be authentic and confident, as well as to live my life abundantly.

I love goal setting, don’t get me wrong (see my previous post about goals and their importance), but 2020 taught me many important lessons that I want to take into the new year.

The first lesson is: I CAN actually stay my butt home and enjoy it. Before the quarantine, I was running at a pace that was unsustainable. I lived at my local rec center (teaching, learning and exercising), in addition to working full time, and managing several budding businesses of my own. I do love to be busy, but being forced to meet my desire for constant stimulation at home definitely brought me balance. I know my children way better now that I am with them most of the day. I’ve learned so much about how they process the world. I’ve always loved my children, but I undervalued the importance of just being with them.

The second lesson is that I have much to learn about myself. One would think after being on earth for almost 38 years, that one would have things figured out. I do not. I am just scratching the surface of my subconscious motivations for my actions. More so, the struggle to not do what I shouldn’t can be very difficult for me. There is a lot to unpack and 2020 put a laser focus on my strengths as well as my weaknesses.

The third and final lesson is that I am stronger than I think I am. As a matter of fact, I am way more in general than I think I am. I know that may sound arrogant, but as a person who has a running script of self condemnation circling in my brain I have to constantly remind myself. This year taught me that I am more than a conqueror because a) Jesus loves me b) I am valuable and c) I am able.

So what does being authentic and confident look like? For me, it is not without struggle.

Well the first bad habit I want to kick is comparison. Comparison is 100% the thief of joy. Instead of feeling like a failure when I see other’s successes, I can feel motivated that success is possible. I cannot compare my housekeeping abilities to those of others (who keep very tidy homes), or my jewelry selling ability with others in my company (who seem to skyrocketing as I write), or even my life experiences to others who are less fortunate (and put myself on a pedestal). If I focus on myself, and my progress towards my goals I will inevitably have more success than if I lose myself feelings of inadequacy.

The second obstacle I’d like to overcome is my timidity. My friends will tell you that I am not a timid person when it comes to being friendly, helping others, or being honest about who I am. However, my boldness does not translate to my business endeavors or my professional qualifications. I can lead a classroom relatively well, but I have a block regarding teaching or leading in any professional situation that requires leadership outside of academic settings. I am appreciative of the people in my life that remind me that I do have expertise and experience. I plan to remind myself that I am capable and knowledgeable, and that it is not arrogant to be confident in my abilities.

The third impediment to the abundant life that I would like to have is that at times I make poor decisions. I am human, so this fact should be a given. However, I would like to change the way I attempt to meet my needs. I plan to really examine my needs and ways to meet them without compromising my future goals, relationships or health. The flipside of this goal is that I must forgive myself when I do make mistakes. Beating myself up does nothing to prevent the reoccurrence of the same behavior. It just makes me feel bad. I will need a supportive group of nonjudgmental people to empathize with me and hold me accountable. I hope to find or rejoin a group like that in 2021.

In 2020, my resolution is to get my life in order by getting myself in order. It starts with me.