New Beginnings

I woke up startled out of an already disturbed sleep, by a loud clap of thunder, and for just a moment it looked as though the world was bathed in white as the lightning strikes lit up the sky. The world looked like I felt, foreboding and ominous. Life had not felt kind these last few years, family moved away, stuck in another going nowhere job that pays just enough to keep a roof over my head but not enough to have even a semblance of a good life. My marriage was in a rut, and there was a feeling of loss, it just felt like things were ending. For years I have watched others succeed while I continue to make mistake after mistake. The worst part was none of them was any more interesting or unique than I am. But there they were, succeeding while I kept failing miserably.

A friend once told me that to truly do your best at any job you must love what you do. I had taken this new job not because I would love it but because I knew I would be good at it. That was my pattern, start new job, excel at it, begin to loathe it, leave; repeat. When would I ever learn?

I was tired of thinking about it so I just stood there watching the storm rage. I just wish I wasn't so tired of it all, I thought bleakly to myself. Over the years my passion and lust for life had dwindled to the point that most days I barely recognized myself. One disappointment after another had left me disheartened. Sometime I understood suicide ( though I would never succumb to it, too stubborn) but there have been times that I understood it. It's that moment in your life when you stop seeing the possibility of something better.

I highly recommend anyone feeling down to just pick up a good book. Even after the worst day ever and the Goddess knows today had certainly been one of those days. First I had forgotten to turn on my alarm so of course I woke up late, my husband grumbling about having to hurry, Toes, my cat puked all over my new boots, and only after I was dressed did I find out. Joy get to change clothes, again. Finally get to the car just to find out the tire is flat, then wreck another outfit, changing it. Finally get to work seriously tardy, and wouldn't you know it the first call of the day is one of the company's biggest clients, who gleefully called to tell me personally that she was tired of my poor attitude ( while failing to recognize that my poor attitude stemmed from her inability to comprehend even the most basic of instructions) and she would be taking her business elsewhere. Oh goody, today was going to be a hoot. The only reason I give even one rat's ass about this inconsiderate loutish woman, is well let's be honest no job, no life.

So there I sat being reamed for nigh on to an hour by the owner of the company whom to my understanding was able to save the client, by you guessed it, by demoting yours truly. I just sat there, seething inwardly, but somehow managing, and if you knew me you would know exactly how difficult that was. But I had managed it and not lost my job, but heck there was still plenty of time for that. I had felt the corner of my lip attempt to go up in a most inappropriate manner several times during that meeting.

Once I got out of the building, for just the briefest of moments I considered just walking into traffic, but then who would feed, water and care for those wretched fur babies? At least someone needed me, yes I am definitely feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for noticing. Yes, that was sarcasm. I'm depressed, I'm not dead. But back to the fur kids, no matter what, at least them I can count on, they are my constants. Books and animals have forever been my refuge. They are the two things that I can always count on to be there in my times of need, books and critters, Nothing better than curling up in a warm blanket, with a good book and a kitten or puppy curled up next to you. Those two have gotten me thru some really hard times in my life.

I have been reading from the moment I was capable of doing so. When I was young, yeah you guessed it, it was always books about animals. My all-time favorite book was Where the Red Fern Grows. I had literally read it so many times the pages were falling out. Reading was my solace, my escape. Books are my security blanket, they made me feel safe. They have comforted me on too many occasions to count.

Growing up poor our summer vacations were not exciting, well unless you had a library card. Then adventure upon adventure awaited you. No matter where we moved the first thing I did was find the public library and drag my mom to get my card. Oh, and did I know how to use my card. It was the place I spent most of my free time. Because no matter what craziness my mean abusive drunk of a father was on about this time, there was always the library. Honestly, the only nice thing I can say about my father was I believe he was the one to instill that love of books into me. Just so you understand how bad he was, he once hitchhiked across country with three small children. We basically each had one bag each, and yes mine had quite a few books. So, yeah, books and animals have kept me sane more times than I would care to admit.

Standing there watching the storm and letting my mind wander as it so often does , I felt better. Wow! I really am a weirdo. It literally looks like the world is ending right outside your window and you feel better. Well ain't you just precious!

But I have to admit that no matter how bad things have gotten, (and they have gotten pretty bad) I have always known that I had more in me. That I could do better. If I could get on paper all the thoughts in my head, I think it would be extraordinary.

But it just never happened. Life got in the way, to many mishaps, to many wrong decisions, so many poor choices along the way. My daughter though, I did alright with that one, she came out okay despite her somewhat screwed up mom.

My mind wandered back to my childhood, the poor little white trash girl dreaming of a different world. Escaping my own reality in the glorious new worlds of whatever book I was currently indulging in. Falling in love with one character after another. I am positive that I would not have retained my sanity if it had not been for books. When I was young they told me I had a genius IQ, fat lot of good that ever did me. But in order to succeed in life, one must, at the very least assert themselves. I had not done that I had dreamed, but not done. What was I doing ? I knew what I wanted. But did I have the courage to pursue my dreams?

Then there was another loud crash of thunder, lightning filled the sky, and for a moment it felt as though my brain had been struck by one of those blinding flashes. My mind was racing, I knew what I wanted to do. I had always known. I ran over to my desk and pulled out my little black notebook, the one I had been scribbling in for years. Because the one thing in my life, that has never let me down no matter how bad it got, my one constant in life has always been books and words. So I sat down at my desk, my cat Toes twining around my legs, and I started looking at all the scribbles. It was a mess, what the heck am I going to do with this? I thought. Then I saw it, "The Cat's Meow ", the book I have been trying to write for years.

But every time I have started to write there was always something else that needed to be done. As I sat there leafing through my notebook all my scribbles started to make perfect sense. My book needed to be written, all I needed was a little time to make it come to life. If only time wasn't money or you know, the lottery wasn't a scam. Hell even twenty thousand dollars would seriously help at this point. Ah well, maybe I should waste less time whining and more time writing.