My Stubborn Little Heart.

Today is the day ! It finally starts sinking in. My life is no longer as it was and looks like it isn’t going to be changing anytime soon either. It’s a tough pill for me to swallow . Stuck I cry . A year in recovery , physical therapy , chiropractic care , and injections here and there when does it stop? A pill for this a supplement for that , before you know it you can create a chain of all the pill bottles across your night stand. I get a little better then just like that something makes everything flare up again and every flare up just feels even worse . Life changing? absolutely! Sugar and caffein are a thing of the past. Suddenly I’m eating things I really don’t like and doing anything that promotes healing, or helps with inflammation and the joint pain or nerve damage ! Joint pain is a gift that keeps giving , constantly there to remind you . There’s many things you can do to help with symptoms most are temporary but it never truly goes away. Like that bully when your younger that says “ Just stay down kid” , while they stand there eagerly ready to knock you right back down the second you even try to get up again. There it is the second you open up your eyes to the moment you close them at the end of the day. One of those things that chips away at you till you eventually start to feel defeated, broken down and depressed . Is this it I think ? Is this why I survived the accident and pneumothorax both these traumatic experiences within a couple months of each other in one year, to end up nowhere with nothing ? My mind wanders off on these little tangents at times . There’s that little voice of reason that always clicks in at just the right time and says, “ I survived because I am still capable of doing so many good things “. What if all the traumas are part of the master plan that is shaping and molding me for the person I need to be for the roles I’m meant to play out? The spark that refuses to go out. Surely my life has changed for what I don’t know. I have to stay in my lane and focus while I’m figuring this out.

I took pride in being a strong and dedicated driver . Not rich , but I lived a pretty decent life. I never worried about money or paying the bills, what hurts the most is my heart and the thought of it all being stollen out from underneath me . No matter what though , I just have to keep trying, there must be something I can do . One day I’m good and accomplishing all my goals and the next day, I feel broken and it’s back to square one again. Frustrating indeed to be stuck in a place you don’t want to be . The psychological effects that go along with getting physically injured . The fear and anxiety of what life will be like . At first everything feels unreal , and you think this can’t be happening and for a while I was in complete denial . Nope not me, I’m not damaged. You reach a point where it just clicks and you understand this is it . This is it! This is the point you stop and realize well there’s some other options , this just isn’t one of them apparently . I worked very hard to get where I was and allot of sacrifices had to be made . Your place is earned out there with all the rest of the drivers. Weak minded people don’t last and it’s not a career for everyone . Life has a way of weeding out the bad drivers . It’s even harder dealing with the fact I was taken out by one of them. Goes to show nobody is immune to being taken out of your game. I suppose it’s a bit harder to grasp when your doing everything right and there’s that one second in time that changes everything . The rug just gets abruptly swept out from underneath you. An event, The Event that becomes a total game changer. Like a broken arm to a baseball pitcher . Suddenly it’s just gone and you feel robbed . It takes allot to get respected by others and even more to win any type of achievements or get any acknowledgement still it’s a good feeling knowing you helped playing a good role in keeping a nations economy going when put to the challenge with all life so easily throws at us . To go through so much in life and come this far . Gone ! No this can’t be right . It’s depressing to say the very least. I never let being a small woman slow me down. Not everyone wants you to succeed out there. Despite the chuckles and rude comments my greatest pleasure has been for others to watch me go as I outshine all that negativity. I had a boss that made the mistake of underestimating me , telling the guys I could never be on days , no I just could never do flat beds , I was too small and frail . My face gets hot to this day even thinking of what was said . Watch this! That was all I needed to hear . That fuse was lit , ignition switch ON but not to a bomb, more like a dare and I will prove you wrong. One reason I became a driver , I was tired of people telling me I couldn’t . It was as simple as that . It was something for me that I did to enlighten myself so I could grow and gain some good experience. A big beautiful country with so much to see. Everyday the highway and me. At first I was angry this was a mission to conquer and I felt plain stuck . My mind doesn’t even want to acknowledge some things and refuses to except defeat . I tell myself I’m going to get better no matter what. Each time just ending the same and seems to just be hopeless. I’m down to the more invasive treatments . I don’t know it’s a little scary to hear a doctor discribe burning nerves in your back . I think to myself , this just doesn’t even sound right . Part of me wants to just laugh out loud and say are you serious with that ? I don’t know. I need to think long and hard on that one , it’s pretty risky with no guarantees . There’s days I’m a raging bull inside and ok with everything then the next day I can hardly move or get out of bed . Not punishment , tell that to my heart that is completely stripped and devastated . Plucked out of my world and thrown into the unknown. I get extremely emotional even thinking about what my life was like pre accident as apposed to now . Imagine cruising along the highway and up on the over pass there’s a little girl standing up there with those little eyes just beaming . She sees this woman driver rolling along below her. I’ve heard them say mommy look , “it’s a lady”, at the rest stops and truck stops as I sit there taking my half hour break or doing a 10 hour break . Starry eyed with envy like any little kid suddenly realizing just how big the world is and how broad their career choices are when they grow up. Not in a rude way , but more of a you mean I can do that too someday? kind of thing . Like any little kid giving us the arm pump , it’s those little things that keep us human inside and let’s the road warrior part of us just fall back for a second. Hard to believe that little girl was once me. We’re taught as women were supposed to take certain jobs and play certain roles in life . Not to drive trucks . There’s a proud feeling that comes from completing a difficult back with lots of spectators , I’ve gotten thumbs up from bikers, the honk , a cheering fire truck crew that I could hear chattering a mile down the road , to a you go girl with your bad little self and you made that look so easy . Coworkers and Comrads respect me even complimented me with a “you drive that thing like a boss” . It’s a huge part of the equation , the whole experience of it all . I wasn’t ready to just let it all go. Skills ! Backing, turning, shifting each took time calculating and perfecting, mapping, routing , time and space management add different weather scenarios and traffic situations to being able to dissect your vehicles breakdown like a mechanic but without the extensive tool collection, just minor repairs and easy fixes just a company driver that’s me or who I was . A whole lot more than just holding a steering wheel as some might think. Mostly it’s the patience you gain from each experience. There is no perfect in trucking, it’s a good day if you are rolling smooth with out any delays or mishaps. I can go on and on in detail . My mind always spins , driving is a passion and was the one thing I prided myself of . Too many experiences and obstacles that were overcame being out there on the road . It teaches you really allot about who you are as you cruise through each day with new adventures and struggles . One thing I know for sure, it wasn’t all for nothing. I tell myself and this isn’t the end of the line for me. It’s time to take everything I’ve seen and been through the office skills I had prior, along with all that time spent behind the wheel as a driver and complete the package. Time to put these 2 pieces together and make this puzzle complete. Now that i’ve had some time for everything to sink in and after 3 failed attempts at some type of driving job , well I guess this is the phase when drivers become dispatchers. This is where I’ve been stuck for the last year of my life . There is no handbook for surviving life’s trauma’s we get dealt somehow you just push on . I’m just taking each day as they come and doing what I can to keep going. Just when I feel hey maybe this is it that break in the bad luck streak . Look at me , I’m doing it and everything’s going to be ok . WRONG , False Alarm ! Sorry , denied ! It just doesn’t work out that way . Expect to fall at least a few times before you can stand and fly straight again . Something told me in the beginning, there’s a possibility things may not be the same . That feeling in your gut that tells you , it’s time to let go of that thing you’ve been hanging on to . It became very real in my mind today as I sat here waiting to be examined by a few different doctors. A year after and still no progress . I get it , it just finally sinks in . That part of me might be gone . But I can still play a vital part in the industry and hopefully this can be another chapter added on to my life’s saga .

I took some business courses and had extensive office experience before I became a truck driver. Why not I l thought ? Now I’m thinking well maybe this is where I’m supposed to go just a little bit further . This is that twist where the plot thickens . Maybe I can still be a part of my world . Not that it was perfect in any way, but more the fact it was so hard to get and even easier to lose with one wrong move. I’ve had some pretty rotten dispatchers and that’s putting it mildly. Mostly they never even stepped foot in a commercial vehicle and had no idea what it all is like out there on the tiles as a driver . I did have one dispatcher that is standing out in my mind even as I think about all this . That 1 dispatcher that proved me wrong about how I felt about them . I waited years for a dispatcher like him . He never once doubted me , and treated me like any other driver . I didn’t need to explain why I was doing this type of work or deal with the chuckles behind my back that you sometimes you get out there . It’s part of being a female driver . For that I respected him . He made a difference in my life to say the least and left quite a lasting impression . In the midst of this crazy year and situation the one person that comes to my mind is him. Now I sit here and my mind is just spinning, ok back to school here we go again . I’m 46 and this will be my third time going to school, this is just online stuff and some skill brushing up . Hardly nothing at all compared to all the years it took to make me a good safe and dependable driver . All I know inside is I have to try ! I don’t want to be disabled . I’m too young for that and I’m not ready to just give up on all the hard work it took to get me there . I have to make some adjustments. Like with Covid or any other disaster , we simply adapt. It’s surviving all that life throws at us. This is getting back up on that horse and staying in the game. I may not win , but I’m showing up everyday and trying, surely that counts for something. With every failed attempt I gain more courage and confidence. I don’t even get upset anymore at failing , now it’s just another part of the process. After all if I won them all , what would there be to learn ? Eventually something is going to give here, nothing is really totally hopeless. If you think long and hard enough the answers are usually right there in front of you . Just as one door slams closed another one is there ready, wide open and waiting for you to take a leap of faith and step inside. Isn’t it funny how things can change? Suddenly that loss is now a gain. Who knew this path would be leading me here. I know somehow things will work out in the big scheme of things . It’s not hope , it’s not faith, it’s simply because of this resilient little heart of mine that refuses to stay down. It sure has taught me allot ! The more resilient you are the more you seem to take. Like taking one for the team, simply because you can handle the task of bearing it . After a while I stopped getting upset at the failures and my in abilities . I think well I still have my mind. My life is allot different now, but it’s certainly not the end of the road anymore . The end of a cycle perhaps and time to turn the page, start a new chapter and move on in this novel .

My family and friends always laughed at some of my stories and experiences as a driver. Some were pretty intense and scary, and sometimes you see things you just can’t unsee. It can definately get wild out there, one thing is for certain . Nobody understands the life of a driver like another driver . This is where life is taking me, to the next step growing and gaining wether I pass or fail . I’m choosing me and showing up no matter what because I’m worth all my efforts . Mostly , I refuse to have it all be lost like it was nothing. I’ll get there one day somehow where it is that I’m meant to be. Right now I’m in the quest like a scientist gathering all the evidence to form a hypothesis ! Hypothesis being life “the conclusion” . That would mean the end of my story and I’m simply not there yet . Life is about all the adventures and detours that lead you to that final destination. Up, down, left , right , over the river and through the roundabout. The wheel just keeps turning and all along we are constantly learning . This is what makes me strong and resilient that inner strength and will power that keeps driving me on inside. I’m still mending both physically and mentally. I know it’s going to mean more work . I remind myself often, I’m worth it. I still have doubts ,I’m still going to have bad days . I’m still going to have days waking up in pain , but I’m learning to cope with everything. I certainly didn’t choose the easiest route in dealing with any of this. There’s a magic pill for everything these days, I’m glad I chose Motrin . My go to drug which is the lesser of the evils as to pain meds in my eyes. I’m grateful, as I sit here refelecting on life and thinking I have to keep my marbles straight, I’m going to need them. Life doesn’t ask us if we accept our traumas . They just come ! Life keeps moving , you play the hands your dealt . Isn’t it something that , what seemed like the end of the road , turns into just another fork in the road. Another challenge, a little bit further, a little bit longer. I just have to keep reaching someday it will be in my grasp . I’ll get there eventually. Perhaps this was part of my life path all along. Does make me wonder just a little bit as the pieces just seem to come together so perfectly. I’m determined to see this through like every other storm that has passed through my life. This storm will pass too. Somehow in my heart I know this will all turn out ok, things just have a funny way of working themselves out like that. I’ve fought way to hard to get this far and I refuse to let my everything become nothing. This is just me and how my stubborn little heart works .