My Journey Thus Far

My life has been anything but perfect...but I feel like we all have our own version of a "Broken Road" that we have travelled down. I mean, nobody's life has been perfect right? That would be an impossibility, to have every single thing in your life go exactly the way it should? First of all, you don't start out choosing your life's path, your parents do, so before you even know what you want...they have started molding you into who they "think" you should be, but that is normal right?

Then there are those of us who got the shafted end of the deal...we were born into rage and bitterness. If you have read any of my sorted tales, I grew up in an alcoholic environment. My entire family from maternal to paternal, were almost all raging alcoholics. So, it would surprise anyone that I became one as well...although it has been semi proven, I really believe all the evidence points to the fact that there is a family "gene" that causes pre-genetic exposure to diseases and addictions. From my research on the subject, Clinical Pharmacology and Therapeutics say that "addictions are a diverse set of common, complex diseases that are to some extent tied together by shared genetic and environmental etiological factors and that they are frequently chronic with a relapsing/remitting course". That came from a journal I found online. I am convinced that to some extent this is true, there has to be something to it right? You don't just become addicted over night to drugs and alcohol, gambling, eating, shopping, love, caffeine, smartphones, gaming and the list goes on of the vast array of things to become addicted to.

I became one of the many, it all started with drugs at 15. Meth was not my choice, it was a total accident. I really had no choice in the matter, I was around it all the time so I was eventually going to do it right?...wrong. Just because your exposed, doesn't mean you will, my bestfriends two sons went in opposite directions, the oldest did drugs, was always in trouble and getting grounded(until he quit 12 years ago and got into AA), the youngest has never been in any trouble and never touched a single elicit drug..and he is going on 28. The oldest's father was an chornic alcoholic to the point of death(he was only 54, he passed away in 2019), the youngest's father is not, he is an occasional beer drinker and is doing great. I believe you can be raised by the same parents, but they do not treat each child the same because that would be wrong...everyone is different therefore cannot be treated the same. We aren't clones, we all have individual personalities that need a different kind of nurturing and I do believe that how your raised influences you. Studies have proven that environment has everything to do with who you become, and to me that is just common sense. I have actually argued with some folks who believe that music does not shape a childs view of the world, when in fact it does. I read that there was a study done on this very subject because they wanted to see how music affected a childs brain development. They separated children into two categories of music, one group listened to screamo and one listened to country, I can't be positively certain but I believe this study lasted 10 years, and they discovered that the children who listened to screamo were more irritable, angry and fought more amonst themselves then the ones who listened to country. Well, I know that if all I heard all the time was angriness...i would probably become an angry person. I know when I listen to certain music it sets my mood. However, that doesn't mean that when you are older that you don't have a choice...there is always a choice. The choices I have made in my life(once old enough) were all on me. If I chose to listen to someone's bad advice then that is on me. If I decide to rob a bank because "so and so did it and got away with it" I still chose to do it. When I chose to quit and find god, that was one of the best choices of my life! It took me dragging myself through hell, blaming everyone else, not taking responsibility, and just being in complete denial to get me here.

I probably shouldn't say this, but it was worth every bit of hell I went through to get where I am today. I am a happily married woman with a family that I could not and would not replace. Most of the people I call "family" aren't related to me, but we have adopted each other. I love them with my whole heart and soul, there is literally nothing I wouldn't do for each and every one of them. My life took an amazing turn in the last 5 years. I have seen the light that works for me and I really do not have any regrets, and looking back I wouldn't change anything because my path shaped the woman I am today. I also believe that your put on the road that leads you, you just have to be open minded and willing enough to take the steps in the right direction...and you instinctively know what they are. Listen to your heart, use common sense, and you will find your way. When you feel the spidey sense tingling the hairs on the back of your neck and your first thought is "I probably shouldn't"...then don't! You should do an immediate about face and move in the other direction...nomatter what anyone says, or thinks, they do not govern you...you always have a choice!