Moving Forward

So here we are. It was quite some time ago I wrote an article saying how I was going to try to do this—write more. In that time I wrote one (other) article. Trying to find your footing as an adult is hard. I recently graduated university, left an unhealthy relationship, and started doing the creative things I felt like doing. A part of the leap I took was understanding that when you leap, you fall. But you have to absolutely, pick yourself up again.

I've spent the past two to three weeks trying to pull myself together. The end of my relationship wasn't the easiest. It was kind of dramatic. Without going into detail, a situation arose from nothing, got blown out of proportion, and scared me. But it was what I needed to realise that I wasn't in a good relationship. The worst part is that I knew it wasn't good. You may then ask yourself why I stayed. I'll tell you.

He was loving in the way he remembered small details about me, things he knew would make me smile. Something as simple as bringing me my favourite drink after a long day at work. Caring and respectful in understanding my boundaries and not forcing me to do anything I didn't want to do. He was affectionate, gave me all the cuddles and kisses I wanted and needed. Patient when I was having a hard time with my job, and when I struggled with depression when I didn't have one. He believed in me, told me how capable I was and how strong I was. We would dance in the kitchen when we cooked, playfully wrestle, and we were always there for each other.

But he was also very insecure. I couldn't go out looking nice without feeling guilty. Although he ever made me do anything I didn't want to do, I sure felt guilty when I didn't do things as much as he would have liked. We argued over LITERALLY nothing, every day. He wouldn't leave my house and give me the space we had discussed, and made me feel bad when I asked him to leave. He wouldn't respect the rules of my room and made me feel like a jerk for always reminding him that he was in my house, so he should follow my rules.

I will say that he is not a bad person, but he has his own issues to work out. We may have had really great days, but we had just as many bad.

I'll be honest, I'm reluctant to share this for the same reason I think most people would be. It's personal, I'm worried people will judge me, him, or both. But the thing is that people need to know. This wasn't my first bad relationship, and the first time around, I said nothing. Well, I have something to say now. I'm not writing this in any capacity for people to point fingers of blame. I'm writing this because you need to know that you are worthy of someone who treats you right. Here are the things you need to know:

• Just because they are nice doesn't mean they are right for you.
• You will know in your heart if the relationship feels right.
• Just because you have good days, that doesn't justify the bad ones. Especially when they're frequent and/or very bad.
• Abuse is more than physical actions. It's Physical, Emotional, Sexual, Financial, Psychological, and it's even abuse if they Neglect you. (There is more)
• This affects you even if you are married, gay, of any age, male, female, at home or work, professionally or personally. Nobody is an exception. You deserve to be treated well.

When I was 17, I was in a relationship. It wasn't good; I won't go into detail. I remember walking with my stepfather—I should say that my parents knew I was with him, didn't know the details of my relationship or the abuse, but they could see I wasn't happy. He asked me why I was with him. I had no answers with substance. I said that I loved him and that he made me happy. I didn't like it then, but I understand now. He said:

"Anyone can love you, and anyone can make you happy"

I've had many years to reflect on that very sentence. The thing is that it's true. And this isn't a bad thing; what I understand it to mean now is that loving someone isn't enough of a reason to stay with them. Proper treatment, genuine happiness, comfort, security, all of these things make someone worthy of being with. Hold out for the best. Don't settle out of fear you won't find someone better. Don't settle out of necessity because they "take care of you," because given enough time on your own, you will be strong enough to overcome loneliness, you will find a way to support yourself financially, and you will gain the skills to be the best version of yourself. Relationships aren't 50/50. You have the capability to be your own wonderful, unique, happy person. You have to understand that relationships are 100/100. You are both whole people, and that is why your relationship will be successful. We will spend our whole lives trying to find ourselves. But you don't need to know yourself completely to know that you are a whole, not a half looking for someone else to complete you. You complete yourself. You can learn to love yourself. And then you share your love with someone else. If you need someone else to complete you, what happens when they go away?

Embrace your uniqueness. Love yourself.