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MOVE BITCH! GET OUT THE WAY!

The realization of being in my own way.

By John HunterPublished 4 years ago 8 min read
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There was a fire burning, deep inside my gut. I could feel it ever since I was a little kid. That I was supposed to be something, do something more. I remember standing in my bedroom, my favourite rap or metal music playing at full blast out of my Memorex CD player, pretending that it was me. Thinking that I was going to be the next big thing, that I was going to be in front of millions of people, my music and my words changing peoples lives.

But as time went on, and highschool came to an end, I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. The only good marks I had in school was my shop classes, and psychology. " Be a welder! You're good at it! That's a good career!" And don't get me wrong, my work as a welder, and in the railroad industry have provided me with a fairly decent life by societal standards. But looking back on it, I am not sure that it's really what I wanted to do. And over the years, I started to wonder what I would have told my younger self.

But that fire inside turned into a pile of smoldering ash, now no longer igniting my passion, my sense of pride, my ambition. But leaving a sick feeling in my stomach. Slowly my mundane, unhappy life was eating away at my soul. Sending me into dark bouts of depression, thus creating a viscious cyle where a Nine Inch Nails song ran constantly through my head to images of Groundhog day; leaving me wondering if this is what I was really supposed to be doing? Is this what life was going to be now, just an ordinary 9-5 type of life?

It's really hard to pinpoint when I started feeling that way again. I think back to a conversation with a former co-worker who was my superior. A really gritty, no bull-shit kind of guy. Who said to me one day that I was a leader. I laughed it off, because growing up I had many people tell me that. But I just assumed that it was a saying that people told me to get me to straighten up and fly right. To which his response was " Sometimes, people see something in a person, that they don't see themselves. If people have been telling you that for this long, than there is probably some truth to it. "

I will never forget that. I wanted to find out what made myself tick, and where my passion had gone. I began seeing a therapist, and journaling, so much so that I filled up 4 fair sized journals inside of a year. Just to help me organize my thoughts, and help slow things down. And get out my frustration before I acted or made a choice with my emotions.

I started going to the gym more, and eating better. More kickboxing classes, which were really my happy place. It was one of the few places that I could escape from my regular life, and forget about all the stress of being an adult, and a Father, and wondering if this is where I see the rest of my life going, What I noticed first and foremost, is that slowly but surely I started to feel better. More alive even, more energy and patience with work, and life in general.

But here is the thing with any cycle whether it is a negative or a positive one. They are easy to fall back into. They are comfortable. They are easy. And when it comes to depression, it can drain you of all you energy and passion, leaving nothing left over for the things you want to do. And yet again I was back in the 9-5 cylce of work eat, sleep, repeat. My only happiness seemed to come from the time I spent with my children, who allowed me to focus on the little things, and forget about the pressures of the outside world. But again I was feeling stuck. What should I be doing? What kind of person do I want to be? What kind of father do I want to be?

The thing I started to realize was that there had been alot of time in my life where I didn't do the things that I wanted to do. That I put my goals, my aspirations, even my free time on the back burner for other people. That it was time that I would never ever get back, and that only added to my stress. As my thoughts started racing of all the time I had wasted, and how it was " too late" for me to become the person that I thought I could be. It created resentment, and created this mindset that it was all over for me. And it took me a long time to realize the most simple of thing. IT WASN'T too late.

I had to face some hard truths. And that is what therapy and journaling allowed me to do. As someone with ADHD it is very easy for my thoughts to run around inside my head, never being able to grasp on to them and examine them in more detail. Journaling allowed me to organize those thoughts and look at them on a deeper level. Therapy allowed me to speak freely with out fear of someone finding out. And working through some of the negative thought patterns that replayed in my mind all the time. It gave me skills to manage my emotions. And that was just the start. But the next steps to reach my full potential were alot harder.

I needed to cut out the negativty. I needed to set boundaries. I needed to start saying no, and not allowing people to dictate my thoughts and emotions. I needed to stop associating my self worth with what other people thought of me, and start believing in myself. Start realizing that although my dreams are massive, they are achievable. Because here is the thing, the vision I have for myself, will have most people saying," That is so unrealistic!" But really what that means is that they just can't see that big of a vision for themselves let alone someone else. And that is ok. It's ok that everyone is on a different path, my vision for myself is grand.

But that vision is NOT without sacrifice, and change and growth. That vision is NOT without trials, and tribulations, and doubt. It is NOT without many many many failures. But what is important is you take the losses and the hard times as learning and growing tools, and look at WHY you feel it is a failure, and WHY you need to grow from it. You need to take the wins, even the smallest microscopic ones. Even if its just he littlest thing, like getting up in the morning. You need to show gratitude for the things in your life, and in your day, even if it is only one thing. You need to write down your biggest dreams, your WHY, and start reverse engineering a plan to get there. You need to set dates, and goals, and adjust as needed to obstacles that may arise. You must surround yourself with like minded, positive people. And you must get rid of the negative people. Cut the bad fruit off of the tree. And sometimes that can be really hard. Maybe they are your best friend, or a family member, it can even be your spouse. Or even harder, the current image of yoruself, that voice in your head saying you can't.

None of this is easy. But you need to ask yourself, how bad do you want it? What are you willing to do? Can you embrace failure, and humilty? Can you show empathy and optomisim? Are you able to look yourself in the mirror and call yourself out on your bullshit? You must ask yourself, years from now, when your life is at it's end, and all your time is gone; Is it the life you envisioned for yourself? Because if not, then the time to act is now! It is never to late! IT may mean you have to work harder and play catch up. But whether you want to be a doctor, a lawyer, or an artist or whatever it is. There is never a better time to start then now.

This is a revalation that I have recently had myself. And it was a hard pill to swallow. But I will no longer let anyone stand in my way of the future I dream of for myself and my kids. I will not let emotional and energy vampires and nay sayers stand in my way. I will greet them with compassion and empathy and move on. Forward I will march, adding their name to the list of people to fuel my determination. And I will embrace the people that support and push me and help me grow, and I will do the same for others. Because at the end of the day I only get one shot at this life. And I will not let my greatness be exstinguished because of fear, or doubt, or negativity.

This all sounds rather cliche. All things you have read and seen all over the internet. Just like me. But instead of saying " oh thats not me." I started saying " why not me?". Why couldn't I be just like these people that I looked up to? WHY NOT ME?! And you know what? I don't have an answer. Because there isn't one. The only person that is standing in my way is me. It's all my choices. What I let stop me, who I let stop me. All of it. I have a choice to let other peoples thoughts, feelings, negativity stand in my way, or to let it fuel the fire that burns deep inside me. And once you realize that! There is NO LIMIT on what you can achieve. It's time to get the fuck out of your own way.

self help
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