Motivation

I have this great app on my phone, it’s called “Motivation Quotes.” And, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Twice a day, for me at 9 AM, and then at 9 AM, I get a short motivational quote or saying. I get one as I’m getting ready for the day, and as I’m winding down for the night. If I’m being totally honest, a lot of the times, I’m so caught up in making sure that I’m up and ready in time for work in the morning, or in the evening, I’m usually still cramming in schoolwork at school, that I tap the notification or swipe it to make it go away before even reading it. It’s a bad habit, as reading these quotes takes literally just seconds of my time.

Something that I love about this app, though, is that you can tailor the quotes to whatever you need. I keep mine on the “mixed” shuffle. In my “mixed” setting I have quotes about improving self-esteem, overcoming sadness, work hard, focus on your goal, achieve success, love, happiness, wisdom, life, appreciation, mindfulness, family, friendships, dealing with change, finding calm, staying positive, songs, popular sayings, and even funny quotes. I never know what I’m going to get, and I love the surprise and suspense of what quote I’m going to get next. 

Me, being me, and totally obsessed with all types of quotes, I did the upgrade for only $11.99 a year! But, if you’re not as keen on quotes as I am, the free version is great, as well.

One night, I got a quote (what a surprise!). Well, this one was kind of surprising, as I don’t think if I had received that particular quote on any other day, I would have liked it as much as I did that night. It was an anonymous quote, as far I can tell, and it was short, only 9 words. It read, “I never lose. Either I win, or I learn.”

Why this quote resonated so much with me that night, I don’t know. Because the next day, when I sat down to continue to write, there wasn’t a whole lot of inspiration left. Which, in a way, was nice. Now I had this platform of what I could talk about laid out right in front of me. I didn’t have to go “digging” for a prompt; there was one sitting right in front of me. After a while of sitting in my own “thinking chair,” I finally remembered where I wanted to go with that quote.

If you’ve read my other blogs, you know that I mainly talk about mental illness and my own personal struggles with these demons. So now you can probably tell what kind of path I’m taking this quote down. (Hint: It does have to do with my own struggles with mental illness. Shocking, right?). The reason this quote resonated with me was kind of dark. The kind of dark that I don’t often talk about because it’s too dark and scary, even for me, to sometimes talk about. But then I remind myself that I’m in a safe place, and this is my blog, not my mental illness’s blog, and I can talk as much, or as little, as I see fit.

Don’t worry, the blog won’t be this suspenseful for the whole read. The reason this quote resonated with me so much was quite simple, well sort of. Anyways, I felt a connection to this quote because of the way it was phrased. “I never lose.” It’s a strong statement that you don’t hear often. And in life, yes, I’ve lost. I’ve lost certain opportunities, loved ones, tournaments (from my softball days), and even moments. Moments in time that I took for granted. But I never lose. 

If you met me six months ago, you would have seen a shell of a person. With no light in my eyes or hope for a future, I was a walking stone. I won’t talk about why I felt this way, and how I got through it because you can read it in a previous blog titled: Finding Hope; How Ketamine Injections Helped Treat My Major Depression. The Abbey years before finding hope again was a depressed, hopeless and sometimes even a suicidal person, who lived every day with the notion that yes, I’m strong enough to make it through the day, but I’m going to just as miserable tomorrow. Kind of dark, right? I’m very grateful and glad that my depression isn’t as severe now as it was then.

Remember that scary word I used, just a minute ago? “Suicidal.” That word is about as frightening as it gets. Whether you’re reading it, writing it, talking about it, or feeling it, it’s terrifying. But that’s what came to my mind when reading that quote. Several times in my life, five to be exact, I felt like I had had enough of life. I was too sad to carry on, and I tried to take my own life. It’s not something I talk about lightly, and I definitely don’t talk or write about it for pity or attention, or anything of the sorts. But I can’t talk about why this quote means so much to me without being transparent about this topic. 

As I said before, “I never lose” is powerful. I correlated that with my unsuccessful attempts. And again, I am in no way trying to say that I am relating my failed attempts to a failed game. That’s not what I’m saying at all. What I am saying is that I could have “lost.” I could have lost it all, with each attempt, but I didn’t. And I’m so very grateful I didn’t lose it all. But I didn’t win, either. The part that resonated with me was the last three words, “…or I learn.” I learned from each attempt.

Unfortunately, it did take five attempts to finally learn. After my fifth attempt, I stopped looking for the “big” reasons to live most, but instead, I focused on the “little” things. When I say “big,” I mean, my family, friends, boyfriend, school, extended family, and more. But instead I learned to focus on the “little” things such as how the sky turns pink when the sun goes down, the sound of rain on my window, and the smell of rain on the ground, seeing my favorite flowers (sunflowers), how my eyes turn bright blue and sparkle in the sun, and a warm hug. There are so many other “big” and “little” things that I’ve learned about, but this is already a long blog, and your eyes are probably tired from reading all of this. 

After learning about all the little things that I took for granted when I was struggling with my depression so much, I pieced the “big” and “little” things together. Some of my favorites are: late-night snacking and watching the sunset with my best friends, random road trips, spending time in Reno with Toby or my siblings, coffee dates with friends, and jamming to my favorite music with my favorite people. There are so, so many other combinations that I love, but I think you get the gist of this.

As I wrap this blog up, I want to say that little quote one more time, “I never lose. Either I win, or I learn.” Often we get so caught up in the things we’ve lost or missed out on, that we don’t realize that we can learn from what we “lost,” and we can make the best of our new situation. This blog was not written to lessen the severity of the decisions that I made in my past that led to my attempts or to compare my attempts to a “game” that I lost. This was written with the intention of being able to open our eyes to little quotes like these. They bring clarity to things that we might be going through, the things we’ve experienced, and the notion that we are not alone. I have a feeling that many people resonate with this quote, maybe for the same reasons, maybe not. Either way, finding happiness in things as small as these quotes, help me to be able to cope with the decisions I’ve made in my past, and how I can work, and learn, to make sure they don’t happen again. I learned a lot from that little quote, and I hope you did too, or that soon you will also find a quote that you can resonate with and learn from.

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