Misery

Misery, it has been a companion of mine off and on for years, even before my mother died. It goes away, sometimes for months at a time. Sometimes it comes back after a few days. And I know a lot of it is of my own making. It stems from uncertainty, not knowing what I truly want, and not knowing how to figure it out. These days the misery I’ve been experiencing is stress induced, from people pushing me to do what they expect me to do. Deep down, I know I should be doing these things, but I want to do them on my schedule, not someone else’s.

As a teenager, I felt I was pushed into getting my driver’s license, even if I wasn’t sure I really wanted one, despite the long walk to the nearest bus stop. I felt as if I was expected to want one, that I needed to have one. I had to get one so I wouldn’t be dependent on someone else taking me to the places I needed to go. I could officially be allowed to stay home, alone, for a few days or a week once I had my license.

There were other things –other events—that I was expected to do. That led to some feelings of misery. I know there are people out there who are more miserable than I am. I don’t want it to sound as if my misery is worse than anyone else’s. There are people out there who have worse problems than I do. What makes people miserable varies from person to person and from one time to the next. I am one of those people whose minds like to take them to the worst case scenario. I know this is how my mind works. I know I often make things out worse than they actually are or will be. I just need to acknowledge my misery. Speak the words out loud to help get me into a more positive mindset, to help me avoid or better deal with the situations that cause the misery.

Over the years, I have sometimes thought, “I want to go home.” Sometimes, when I think these words, I am sitting in the house I’ve lived in for thirty years. Sometimes I linger on those words for a few moments, or just long enough to let the thought come and go. I sometimes wonder why I think them. Is this not home? Is this not where I am supposed to be? I know those words might invoke a darker meaning, but it is a place I don’t want to go.

It is said that misery loves company. I prefer to wallow in my misery, alone. No matter how long it lasts, no matter the cause, I will get through it, I know I will. I have gotten through it before –and will the next time it happens. To combat the misery, I need to do things that bring me joy, even if it only lasts a few moments, talk to people I know will listen, who will hear me.

A few months after my mother died, I was curled up in bed, trying to let sleep overtake me, when I heard these words, “Life sucks right now, but everything will be okay.” I will be okay. Writing these words down has helped. I will get through this. I will find my happy place. Writing will help me get there.

If anyone reading this is having dark thoughts or is feeling a little down, please reach out, whether it is to a friend, family member, or a complete stranger over the phone. There are people out there who will listen, who want to listen and who will try to help you find counseling if that’s what you need. Life might suck, but there is hope. And it might just take reaching out for you to get there.