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Memoirs of an INFJ

by I Am 13 days ago in self help

Bent not broken.

A New beginning.

My name is Nickolas Lewis. I am someone who struggled to find his sense of identity for as long as he can remember. I have felt the emotions of others; I have even donned their emotions unknowingly. As someone who wishes to see the world become a better place, I am removing all of the obstacles that I have created to show you that life doesn’t have to be as complicated as we make it out to be.

Have you ever felt as though something was off? Are you someone who struggles with social anxiety? Are you someone who feels like they’ve been written off as unimportant? Let me tell you. You are everything you believe that you are. So, if you believe you are any number of those things, and you are wondering why you keep running into the same types of people, situations, and just general unhappiness. It’s because you give more credit to those who see your potential but don’t want you to see it.Through my experiences, I have first and foremost felt things in a way that didn’t make sense until I decided to make sense out of it.

The reality seems to be that it's always been about me, just as it is with everyone. To be intimate and personal with others is vastly easier than it is to exude those qualities for our own sakes. I'm actually quite selfish these days, and I am in love with it. To be selfish is to bring things to the fore and showcase them for what they are, not for anyone else. Just for yourself. It is the least selfish thing you could do. It matters not how the world perceives you, only how you are perceived by who you are and who you desire to become. Everything outside of you and what you have to offer to yourself is quite meaningless. Cultivating the ability to refrain from being something you're not is one of the greatest things you could do for yourself.

Vulnerability is strength; to be vulnerable is to be sure of yourself. There are always two sides to every coin. Don't ever let the influence of someone outside of you question the certainty you hold in the space of who you wish to become. Conversely, there are many more ways to look at a situation than the lens we most often view it through. If it makes sense to you, isn't that enough?

Reality is dependent on our perception of ourselves and our perspective working in a manner that is conducive to that which we wish to achieve. I am not telling you to lie to yourself; I am merely suggesting we are more honest. After all, it's easier to lie to ourselves than it is, to be honest. Why would we want to grow? Why would we want to reach for the stars?

Isn't it interesting that a child most often acts out where they are most comfortable? Would I be incorrect if I assumed that children tend to act out regardless of their location? Why is it that we tend to become uncomfortable in areas where we used to be comfortable later in life? What does that ultimately say about who we've become?

Regression is the answer to the previously posed question. You would think that it would be the opposite. Yet, that is rarely the case on an individual basis. Progress would mean that we had kept the qualities that we once let shine so brightly; now, we feel like they are a burden. Because they feel as though they are a burden, we became uncomfortable in our own skin. Why is that? Because we didn't take the time to feel the way we wanted, we let others dictate what that experience meant for us. Through their eyes, as opposed to ours.

It's the patterns that people and the world seem to exude that I can interpret. Everything has a pattern, and if you were to examine the pattern of your particular amalgamation closely. You would see why you are drawn to certain people, or at least I do. I seldomly cross the paths of people who are unable to teach me something about myself.

To identify the emotions authentically that we feel for others is to identify how we feel about ourselves genuinely. If we look at it from this perspective, it can and is often seen as selfish. It's about acknowledging the love you feel for yourself at the end of the day. Everyone is similar in this aspect; it does us no good to perpetuate what we felt through another's eyes. We need to feel how we feel, regardless of the reality that we once perceived. It is our sole responsibility to ourselves. In this way, I am entirely selfish.

The blood on my hands is indicative of my blatant disregard for the responsibility I failed to take for myself. These stains aren't going anywhere, and I would rather they not. It's better this way; I'd rather not forget just how far I've come. This is the farthest I've made it, and I will push further. It is a duty I will endure, even if I must be the one to tear it all down because it isn't good enough in the eyes of who I am. I must push forward; I will follow the soul's path. Even it leads me into my own personal oblivion. For me, for who I want to become, there can be no other course of action. I must do this. At least now I know where I stand in regards to the role that I've played in my own self-imposed downfall throughout life.

Why do I seek perfection in a passion? Is it because I feel compelled to make it perfect? The real question is, what does perfection look like to me? I don't believe I've ever posed the question in that fashion. Is it because I crave it by nature? If that's the case, why do I have this nature? Where did I even get the idea of what perfection could be perceived as if perfection is entirely subjective? Because that's just it, it is.

It's about having a discussion with ourselves, the one we were never able to have. I don't relate to people in a very personal way because I know I have a natural propensity to absorb and a deep desire to fix someone, anyone other than myself. The reality is this is just who I am, and I have fought it my whole life. For me, this is about having a discussion that I've neglected to have with myself. Is it weird that I want to relate to who I once was? To a part of myself, that feels so uncomfortable to leave behind? I don't believe it is; I believe it's all part of the process. I have neglected the process since a very young age because, at the end of the day. I have been the only one holding myself back. I am not really doing this for anyone else at this point, and I want people to know. That they can see things through if it's what they really want. I will not fight it. This is me. I am a living example of what lies beneath the surface of everyone. In outward expression

Deliberate practice is a way to move towards a goal that you feel cannot get off the ground. I've been doing this for about a year, and honestly, anything beyond the present, especially the past. It feels like a lifetime ago. I can't help but wonder if this is how it is meant to feel. I think the better question is, why does it feel like this now? The question that will have the answer you're seeking always begins with why?

When the person I felt the strongest bond with left this world. That's when I stopped seeing the beauty. It's only in hindsight that I can see that he never truly left. He is just as much a part of me as he was then. That was the catalyst for what is to come. I tore out my eyes and a piece of my soul. To reclaim something we cast aside because we are ready. People die every day, and we can't control that. However, we can integrate with the part of ourselves that we left by the wayside. Ignorance is not bliss, not in this world.

As for why, in my mind, it's because I felt responsible because, at that point in my life, I was still in denial; for the first time, I genuinely felt abandoned, I was complacent, and I lost the only person that I truly connected with. The outpouring of support from his family cemented the feelings of self-imposed guilt. It's not to say that I wasn't grateful because it also showed me what I meant to him. I didn't see it that way because I didn't want to. I would rather have lived with that guilt.

It's never been outside the realm of my ability to feel my emotions. It's never about feeling. It's about the first step. Acknowledging them, afterward untangling them from experiences that hold no relevance to the situation at hand. The final step is the interpretation of where that particular emotion comes from and why I feel at any given moment. In the end, it was at the very beginning. It always is.

It's about realizing the potential that you hold as an individual. It's never up to another person to decide what it is you have to offer. It really is that simple, but when we live our lives in fear, we will never reach the potential we once saw in ourselves. Don't be afraid to be authentic; any disadvantage is self-imposed. It's only through experiences that I had labeled as entirely negative am I able to see the stark contrast. It's how we choose to look at it.

He didn't abandon me; I abandoned myself. Spencer, thank you for being my best friend. In the end, you were my shooting star. I chased after you, and I found you. You were right in front of me the whole time. I saw you in everyone just as I see you when I look in the mirror.

This is who I have proposed to be since the beginning. I connected the dots for myself, there is a yearning, and it's deep. If I can save myself if I can bring myself into unification with who I am. I can show others how to as well. It matters not, the doubt, the fear, the anxiety. All of those feelings stem from an external source that is not a part of who I am. I place no value on something that I don't believe in. They have no power. There are no limits; it is inevitable. Who am I to deny myself the chance to be who I could be?

Are the demands we place on ourselves conducive to the reality we desire. Or are they demands that we continuously take unconsciously out of a desire to feel accepted? That is the question that is to be posed, do they make us feel genuine or true to who we want to be at the end? When it all comes to an end, can we say that we lived a truly worth remembering life? For the sake of ourselves?

He let the rage and despair consume him. I let the guilt of knowing there was nothing I could do, consume me. Knowing that and carrying that guilt for all this time. It has been the biggest blessing I could have ever been gifted. I never turned my back on him; I used his death as an excuse to turn my back on myself. Yet, I can't help but miss him. It's not a feeling of sadness at this point. It's the love and warmth of his laughter that gives me strength. I can hear it in my mind's eye, and it's the greatest gift.

It's not that I've never seen the appeal of emotional detachment; I am actually remarkably versed in that aspect of an interpersonal relationship. However, when you are reliving an experience, you can only see it through that set of eyes. So, how do we love without becoming attached to a particular outcome? We love ourselves enough to know that we are enough. It really is that simple when you love yourself genuinely. You are free of a state of mind that would prevent you from loving someone else in that same way. Unconditionally.

These eyes have seen a thousand lifetimes in one lifetime; these eyes have witnessed the same reality a thousand times. Yet, for the first time. They see something unmistakable. They see hope. Is it so wrong to hope? I believe it would depend on what you're hoping for. Because at the end of the day, your intentions create your reality. So ask yourself, are you honoring who you truly want to be? Or, are you just going with the flow because it's easier? This is a question I ask myself all the time because I'd be lying if I told you I had it all figured out

One of the more enlightening paths that I've walked, to get shredded for validation, is one thing. To get shredded because it makes you feel good is another. You gotta get shredded, to be shredded. It's always about why you're doing something, never about who it's for. If it's for anyone outside of who you are, you won't be consistent. You gotta do it because it's a passion. The discovery of the reasoning behind your actions is super important. Be passionate about yourself. Because I promise, There isn't anyone more passionate about you than you.

Would it add a layer of tragedy to the story? That I fell in love with my best friend. It doesn't; it just makes the experience that much more amazing. I can't help but wonder why things turned out like this? Feels like divine comedy. Is it because I had to reach a point without him? Is it because I needed to learn how to identify my own emotions? These are all questions that have straightforward answers. It's because I asked for this experience. So, where do I go from here? That's easy, forward. I live my life knowing that I experienced true love.

In hindsight, after he passed. I started dating a certain type of person that always had masculine characteristics. Before that, I considered myself bisexual. Why? Because I still cared about what people thought about me. Progressively more masculine, never to the point that would overlap that frail masculinity that I felt, though. Masculinity and femininity go hand in hand. I am divinely feminine. That's just the way the cookie crumbled, no use in fighting. How we identify to constitute who we are, is never the reality. We are here to live out a specific vision. In a way, it was like I was dating different states of myself. We really are connected in an elusive way.

It's time to say goodbye, once and for all, to that aspect of myself. What's done is done. I am grateful for the memories I have shared. It will do me no good to stay here with the past. I wouldn't have anything that has happened for me happen any other way. It had to be this way for me to be able to release you.

Dreams are interesting, simply for the fact that they have the ability to show you things you are actively repressing. The importance of the dream and whatever you're repressing is up to you to interpret. That's the amazing thing about it. It's a way to see yourself in a new light. That low-key could have been seen as a nightmare. For interpretation purposes, remove the fear. There are certain causal relationships.

Regardless of who you are now, wouldn't it be nice? If you stopped and just appreciated the fact that you're still here. When we live our lives for others without considering ourselves, that is the essence of being selfish. Live your life in a way that suits you, all that love running through your veins. Don't let it go to waste; you deserve to see yourself in a whole new light. It's not anyone else's responsibility to hold you in higher regard than you hold yourself. It's up to you, so do it.

Sometimes it's easier to pretend. Usually, what we are looking for, is that one thing we've had all along. It's an aspect of ourselves that was never nurtured, and if it was. It was for the wrong reasons. So, I would challenge you. To find what truly resonates with who you are. In doing so, you would find yourself in the process. Finding oneself is the most arduous trek into a world that is inconvenient at best. Use that inconvenience as a guide. Why do you feel inconvenienced? Why is something happening repeatedly, yet in a different form? What is the issue? Only you have the answers.

Dance to the beat of your own drum, like nobody's watching. Because at the end of the day. That thunderous dance is a sight to behold to those who see it for what it is. It's about love, at the end of the day. That's why I chose this dance, and that is why I will dance until I draw my last breath. I have no fear; I place no value on it. So it isn't a threat; it's not that I am unaware. I am blissfully aware, and that's what makes it so wonderful.

The physical aspect of our lives is undoubtedly the most tantalizing. There is nothing inherently wrong with expressing our desires. However, when we allow others' opinions to intermingle with a sense of self, that hasn't come full circle. It can get difficult to separate that sense of self from the experience itself. In the end, the goal is to release the sense of self that was susceptible to anything outside of who it is. To come into who you are, not who you think you should be. That is different for everyone.

Along the way, I learned how to love as I own it. From the ashes of perceived weakness, a newfound strength was born. I learned how to see things for what they are and not what I wanted them to be. That was a challenging thing to accept. That others do not see what I see. It made it easier to cut certain types of people and activities out, though. It's not that I couldn't see what was happening; I would have preferred to do the work for them. However, I have learned that it is not my responsibility to help every person I encounter. I need to help myself to get closer to who I am. It's all about self-reflection.

self help
I Am
I Am
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I Am

I like to think of myself as a living example of what lies beneath the surface of all of us. In full outward expression.

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