Living with PCOS

Four letters changed my life forever. PCOS: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It is a simple diagnosis really, the symptoms are what get you. My symptoms include but are not limited to ; infertility(For now), cysts on the ovaries that can rupture at any time causing a longer, more painful period, testosterone levels so high that I am able to grow facial hair at the same rate as my brother, extreme weight gain (imagine going from a size S to a size XL in what feels like overnight), borderline diabetes, and last but not least excessive mood swings.

I was a young woman of 20 when I went to my gynecologist because not only was my menstrual cycle lasting a month at a time, I was feeling aggressive and had been very short fused with everyone-even at work. I let her know that my eating habits and exercising hadn’t changed but I was finding it harder and harder to button my jeans. So naturally she ordered a lab and ultrasound for me, the whole process taking about two hours.

My doctor came back into the room with my result and to my dismay, she had a frown on her face and proceeded to tell me about PCOS. How my body was producing large quantities of testosterone and that was one root in my tree of issues. The aggression,weight gain, oily and acne prone skin, the hair growth and insulin resistance, all things that I was experiencing seemed to feel like the world was ending. She told me that I was menstruating but not ovulating because of my inability to produce all but fell on deaf ears because I took the news so hard. My doctor also told me that she would need to see me every three months to do blood work to track my process.

I began trying all these different diet methods, even went to one meal a day that consisted of pineapples and cucumbers which just landed me in the hospital again. I then tried the high intensity work out 5 times a week and even started walking a mile to work. All that did was make my body extremely sore. What was I doing wrong? The phrase “body dysmorphia” was something I learned quickly. My wardrobe changed from vibrant colors to black. I started getting my clothes two sizes up and if I could , I avoided pictures and mirrors.

The worst part was the medication. I had to take birth control to get my estrogen flowing, take pills for my insulin resistance, and then take pills to force my body to menstruate because I hadn’t in almost six months. I was physically ill , usually ending my nights gripping the side of my bed curled into the fetal position with a bin at my side just in case. I was missing three out of five days at work. My job at the time sat me down and basically told me they understood my situation however, they could not accommodate me. I was heartbroken because I was at my dream job, or so I thought.

Through the years I’ve put my body through constant stress, and physical strain. Whether it was extreme dieting or intense 5am sessions on the treadmill. This year for my resolution I want to actively indulge in self care because I never stopped to think “maybe I just need to relax”. I finally settled into a sleeping schedule that guarantees the eight hours I need without interfering with my new job. Every morning I give myself 45 minutes on the treadmill. Fridays are when I fix my hair and nails. Saturdays are for housework, and Sundays are for writing till my heart's content. I refuse to be down on my body for something that’s out of my control and I will do better this year. I have PCOS, it does not have me.