Life is Simple

I WANT TO BE A WRITER!

by Halsey

It is not a want.

It is not a wish.

It’s simple.

A demon waiting

at the foot of your bed

to grab your ankles while you sleep.

It’s a gnat burrowing into your ear

and laying eggs behind the sockets of your eye.

It’s sitting in your own filth for days,

staring at the shower across the room

while minutes become hours.

It’s six months since you’ve talked to your dad,

And whining like an infant to your lover

begging to be spit-shined

like a piece of silverware,

“I have given so much to the page,

please tell me I am not worthless.”

It’s not a desire.

It is a clenched jaw and an aching back and a disposition to spite everything around you.

To find the world not worthy of your words,

and to find yourself unworthy of the world.

It is towering arrogance that says,

“Let these passages be free

in an existence that will cherish and worship them.”

It is terrible self-loathing

that sends your teeth sinking into your lips.

It’s a gut pushed out

and shoulders slumped

and a sneaking suspicion

that everything you see is altered through your gaze.

They cry,

“But I WANT to be a writer!”

And my head hangs.

You are asking to be shot square in the head.

You know not what you seek.

You ask for bleeding brains

and carnage that stains your pillowcase.

You ask for jelly

in the place of the cartilage in your spine.

You ask for kindness that is never returned.

You wish to burn alive

in the flame of a love unrequited.

It’s simple.

Write.

If you know me, you know I love Halsey and you know the title of this entry is very ironic coming from me. If you didn’t know these things, now you do and we’re on the same page.

I’ve followed Halsey’s career for a long time and listen to their music like I’m at the altar on Sunday morning. Naturally, when they announced the release of a collection of 132 poems last year, I placed an order immediately. The poem above “I Want to Be a Writer!” is the third poem in their book and the first time I read it, I reread the last two lines like a hundred times. It was at a time in my life when I was making everything difficult for myself. I’ve always made things more difficult than they need to be, which is why the title is ironic.

The phrase “Life is Simple” is something my fiancé has been telling me for years. Whenever I overthink, swirl down a spiral of anxiety, or get myself into an unfavorable situation, it could almost always be traced back to the common denominator of me overcomplicating something. I’d sit in the aftermath of my over complications and see how things could’ve gone differently if I would’ve simplified how I approached the situation, responded to things, or perceived myself in the world. To my fiancé’s dismay, I had a hard time grasping the “Life is Simple” concept.

When it comes to writing, I overcomplicate it with planning, excuses why I don’t have time, and the eight reasons I’ve mentioned the last two weeks (Part One and Part Two). When it comes to life in general: money, jobs, communication, family relationships, being social, and being myself, I overcomplicate it all with trying to control everything and not looking at things from a simpler view point.

What I love about Halsey’s poem, is that they say it’s simple, all you have to do is write. But the entire poem before the last two lines, outlines how hard and grueling it is. It shows that the two truths can coexist. It’s simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s the same thing with life. Life is simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.

The reason I couldn’t grasp the “Life is Simple” mentality is because I saw simple and easy as synonymous. When you think changing patterned behavior is easy, it’s not going to go well. For example, I’m a terrible communicator. I assume, speak for others, and filter what I say depending on who’s around me. Being a terrible communicator leads to a lot of unfavorable situations with a variety of people or it leaves me feeling resentful. At the age of 26, I decided it’s time to get my shit together and learn how to communicate openly, honestly, and with a backbone. I know being a good communicator is very simple, all I have to do is communicate! Duh. But, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. What I’ve learned is that communicating can be simple AND hard / uncomfortable / confrontational / vulnerable, etc. I thought I’d be able to become a better communicator just by declaring I wanted to be, not by actually unlearning behavior.

“It’s simple. / Write.” Halsey says to me. But, before we get to that final line, Halsey says, it’s a demon at the foot of your bed, eggs in your eye sockets, it’s arrogance and self-doubt at the same time, it’s bleeding brains and stains on your pillowcase. “It’s simple. / Communicate.” I say to myself. But before that, I say, it’s activating your dormant throat chakra, loosening your grip on things and people you can’t control, swallowing the lump in your throat and speaking your vulnerable mind, and killing your oldest habit of speaking words for the sake of others and self-preservation. Yes, it’s all so simple, but it takes work and thought.

Also, before Hasley mentions all the ways it’s not easy or pretty, they start out the poem, “It’s not a want. / It’s not a wish. / It’s simple.” This shows readers that it’s a need, a calling, a god given purpose, it’s much more demanding than a want or a wish. Which is exactly what makes it so simple. There’s no other option for a writer to be a writer. There’s no other option for an artist than to paint, or a chef to cook, or a musician to make music. After someone discovers their purpose in life, it’s simple (not easy) to be that purpose.

When it comes to the simplicity of life, and my example of communication, it’s the same. Humans have the ability to communicate, and I’m human, so in one way or another I’ll be communicating because it’s just that simple. What isn’t simple is how it’s done, the feelings associated with the communication, or the patterned behavior one is trying to overcome.

I do believe life is simple. Just don’t get stuck in thinking that also means easy like I did. It takes work to become a better communicator. It takes work to write. It takes work to find your dream job. It takes work to lose weight, or learn to knit, or own a dog. But it’s simple to act on something you need or want, or to go after what you’re called to do.

Citation:

Frangipane, Ashley. “I Want to Be a Writer!” I Would Leave Me If I Could. New York, Simon & Schuster, 2020, pp. 5-6.