Learning to Love Myself

Before this year I had spent most of my life craving and begging for validation and acceptance from my relationships with others. My decisions based upon the reactions I wanted from those around me and my heart constantly searching for a person to come around and validate that I was worthy of attention and admiration. Each relationship I held with a death grip, afraid to lose that sense of self-worth that I had defined based upon the affirmations that they spoke. When they were drained by my constant need of reassurance and broke away from me, I was left with this sense of feeling worthless and broken. On to the next, I searched for another person to complete in me what was broken, learning nothing from the time before.

That constant need of reassurance to feel whole lead me to the door of other people equally as empty and in need of constant validation. I craved the need to feel needed and found myself drawn to those who were not whole themselves. My relationships slowly turned into something parasitic, as we feasted upon what little energy we had left to give to one another. Drained by the jealousy and fights that come from the insecurities of self-doubt and loathing. I found myself giving all of the love that I had been begging for to those who could never return the favor. I gave all I had to offer to anyone who would stand still long enough to listen, never once focusing on what they were willing to give me.

Till one day I found myself entangled in a relationship that drained every ounce of love and hope I had to give in hopes of completing what made them feel empty. I had never felt more out of love with who I was due to who I had become. Desperation turned to anger, and my self-doubt turned to self-hatred. The way his words sculpted away the last bit of hope my heart held onto dearly, the way I let myself excuse his behavior in order to feel needed and accepted, the way I reassured myself that this is exactly what I deserved.

The day I was left to lay across my bedroom floor looking up to hear the words, “you’ll never leave, you need me” is the day I grasped upon what little self worth I had left. That day I stood up strong and decided to accept the change that my life had been begging for. For the first time I set out to truly be alone. That night I spent my first night in my home completely alone, only my thoughts to keep me company.

The habits and routine were the hardest to let go of in the beginning. I have always been a creature of habit and was never the type of person to go with the flow. A small change in plans was enough to throw off my mood and ruined what could have easily been a great day. Though I was miserable, I was so quick to hold onto the toxic routine and habits I had created because I found comfort in the familiarity. I was more terrified at the thought of being alone with myself than being unhappy. I had to make a promise to myself that if I could get past this part, things would get much easier.

I was quick to understand that breaking my habits and routine was far from the hardest part of my journey to finding self-love and overcoming my fear of being alone. The habits and routines were broken, but now I couldn’t fathom who I was as a person without them. I had spent over twenty years where who I was as a person was created and entangled by these habits and without them I found myself completely lost. My first response was to go searching again for someone to give me the answers to who I was and what my life was worth, but I kept coming back to that day where I found my last bit of strength and promised myself that I would not go searching for words of completion but instead try to build it within myself.

I realized that in order to build unconditional love for myself within myself, I first had to learn exactly who I was as a person. The unknown path I was on was terrifying and I had no compass to tell me which direction was the right one or even where to start. I started small by brainstorming things that I enjoyed that had no influence by others. I started reading more and learning new ways to be creative. With each accomplishment, I felt pride for myself and started to enjoy being in my own company.

The next in the many life lessons to come on my year-long journey to find myself was learning that it was okay to be selfish with where my time and energy went. I no longer felt the need to give my all to every person I encountered, and I learned that it was not my place to lose myself in order to save others who do not want to save themselves. I learned it was no more my place to complete others then it was anyone else’s responsibility or place to complete me. I learned that it was okay to walk away from people who only drained my energy and to gravitate toward people who nourished and appreciated my time and energy. With this change, I had more energy to put towards bettering myself and growing as an individual.

With each step I took towards change, I gained more respect and love for myself and started to understand who exactly I was on my own. I took risks I would have never considered in order to learn more about myself and who I was. I tried new things outside my comfort zone and I spent a good portion of my time in my own thoughts reflecting.

One of the biggest steps toward self-discovery and self-love was doing things outside of myself to help others. I gained the perspective that I had been lacking through talking to and helping others. By learning to be unselfish in my thoughts the path I wanted to go down became most clear. I gained an appreciation for my life that I had never had and the blame that I had placed on others and the world were realized as projections of things that I needed to work on within myself.

Along with this journey, I learned to create relationships based upon being myself and projecting love and kindness over looking for others kindness and attention to complete me. I learned to become a better listener and friend and to value and place my energy towards mutually nurturing relationships. I learned to set higher standards to the treatment I accepted from relationships as well without fear of walking away and being alone when those standards were not met. I learned not to compromise my love for myself for the approval and acceptance of others.

There is no one in this world who can love you more than you can love yourself. The unconditional love that we all deserve and strive for is not as far as we are willing to go to search for it, but rather as close to the heart as it gets. We are so quick to give the love that we desire to others, yet so unwilling to be the ones to place that unconditional love onto ourselves. I spent a year alone trying to find myself, and now alone I will never be.