Learning the Art of Self-Love

The idea of personal development is richly steeped in putting the self first. The first step to any growth or inner understanding is always going to begin by learning to truly love the person that you are. We’re not talking about the superficial ideals where a person tells themselves and others how much they mean to themselves. While this intent is ideally noble, it is superficial, it’s saying how much you love yourself without ever taking any action to turn your consciousness inward and really learn and understand who you are. The premise is a nice gesture, but often people will say this aloud a few times in a crowded room and then look around that room for someone to fill the holes inside of them.

The idea of an emptiness or a missing piece of the self is just that, a missing piece. Where the confusion begins is when people believe that emptiness needs to be filled with another. That someone outside of themselves is responsible for making them feel whole. That is the biggest mistake. First, it is nobody else’s responsibility to make you feel whole and if you’re not whole all by yourself, what business do you have putting that responsibility on someone else? Your needs are your own and there should never be the expectation of someone else meeting them! Nobody on this planet besides yourself will mend your broken heart, nobody will make you feel you feel whole, nobody can give you what you feel another has taken away. Now, it is true that in the beginning of getting to know someone new it may feel as though their presence alone has done all these things. The fact of the matter is that feeling is temporary. It will last as long as the new honeymoon phase does, and when that ends you’re still left with your feelings of loneliness and insecurity. Then you feel like the other person is no longer meeting your needs or fulfilling your expectations and this is when problems arise. You begin to resent them for not being something you expected them to be. The cycle begins all over again.

Therefore, taking the time to love yourself is crucial in learning to live as your best self, and even more important after a relationship ends. That feeling of needing someone there or another person being the answer to all your problems is looking outside of yourself for fulfillment. If you don’t learn to fulfill yourself by yourself nothing outside of yourself will ever be anything more than temporary.

Fulfillment comes from within, its acceptance of who we are, scars and all, and learning to accept yourself just as you are. Embracing the person you are now and understanding that you are worthy and deserving all by yourself. Nobody else can show you your worth, nobody else can convince you that you’re deserving of love without you believing it first. What if we started to look at those emotions of emptiness and longing as inner urgings towards your own self fulfillment? Instead of labeling it as loneliness and looking for another person, you begin to ask yourself what you can do for you to feel whole again? Ask yourself what you are missing and learn what you can do to work towards that. This is personal responsibility, this is how you begin to give yourself all of the things you’ve been expecting others to give you all this time. What if that longing for love is a deeper longing for your own self love? It seems more likely that a feeling of emptiness would be subdued by learning to give yourself the love you have always expected from others. There are a few ways to do this.

First, you need to be willing to feel some pain and accept responsibility for your own emotions. Emotions themselves are there as a feedback system that allow us to feel whether we are living in line with ourselves. Essentially, emotions will tell you how well you are living. The overabundance of negative emotions is a sure sign that change is needed. If you find yourself not feeling well most of the time, then it’s a sign from your inner self urging you to do something different. Pay attention to the thoughts when you’re feeling like this. Listen to what your mind and body are trying to tell you. If you can quiet your mind enough, you will hear that tiny little whisper in the back of your mind urging you towards a better reality. Learn to be alone with yourself and sit in quiet contemplation. It',s been said that just 10 minutes of purposeful silence a day can have an amazing impact on your day-to-day life.

Coming to terms with yourself may not be easy or exciting, but it is the only way to accept responsibility. You need to recognize who you have been to decide who you want to be. Reflect on yourself and your behavior and ask yourself if you’re acting like someone you can respect and admire. If you’re not, start making small adjustments whenever you catch yourself acting out of line with that ideal. Only you can decide the type of person you are and the values that you hold. Take some time to write them out. How would the best version of yourself behave? What qualities are important to uphold? Do you exhibit integrity in all that you do? If you are not sure of your ideals and what you find important, think about someone you admire. Someone that you look up to. What qualities do they have? What are their values, and how would they react in any given situation? We admire people because they have characteristics we see as good, right, and true—learning to exhibit those same characteristics will help you live more in line with yourself. Being someone you respect and admire is the first step in loving the person that you are.

Accepting who you are as you are is the next big talking point. Life itself is about growth and evolution. You are never a finished product, hence there will always be room for growth. Learning to appreciate where you’re at now and how far you have come will ultimately shape the way that you love yourself. It's ok that you have made mistakes, it's ok that you have done some things you regret. They were all experiences that allowed you to learn more about yourself. It is unfortunate that often people get hurt in this process. Understand that they are on their own path and even though you hurt them, that pain will ultimately push them to learn and grow as much as it has you. What someone else does with that pain is not your responsibility, learn to forgive yourself. If you need to, take steps to make amends. Write a letter and apologize, but for fucks sake you need to forgive yourself. Take responsibility, accept that you have done something to hurt another, do your best to make amends, and then let it go. Hold on to the lesson, but do not continue to punish yourself for something you cannot change. Life is about moving forward, not walking backwards.

Moving forward, what are your beliefs about yourself? Who do you believe that you are? What have you been told about yourself all your life? You will need to understand your false and limiting beliefs about yourself to really learn to make progress. This will be a “deep and compassionate process of exploration.” (mindbodygreen.com) Ask yourself why you’re feeling the way you do. You will need to delve deep inside of yourself for this, but I promise you that you already have the answers. Understand that emotions follow thoughts. What you feel is only a result of the thought or belief that propels it. Understanding this will be monumental in contributing to your own success. Learn to be aware of your thoughts and emotions. Set the intention by saying to yourself: “I am going to be aware of the thoughts that are creating my negative emotions.” Start everyday by saying this, and then pay attention. This awareness will teach you about those beliefs that limit or prevent your growth. Many people fear the process of reflection and if you are one of those people, remember one thing: Nothing inside of your mind can hurt you any more than the physical experience itself. Thoughts and events only have the emotion and importance that you attach to them.

Meditate on the question: “What are my innermost beliefs about myself.” Pay special attention to anything you view as a “Fact of Life.” These “Facts” are still only beliefs; however, they are beliefs that have been perpetuated time and again by your physical reality. They appear as facts because your life has always proven them to be true. They are only beliefs, not facts, and the only reason they have come true is because you believe them so intensely you manifest them into your physical reality. All the beliefs you come across can be changed.

Now that you have discovered and come to understand all these different things about yourself, it is time to take action! This will likely be the most difficult of all the steps. Change is difficult, and it will often make you uncomfortable. Learning to take the actions that you know you need to is going to be the next step in the process of loving yourself. This step is critical because once you have begun to act there will be a feeling of pride that overcomes you. You should feel proud for how far you have come. You deserve to be proud of yourself, you deserve the love you're learning to give yourself. In any relationship you will notice that the better you know someone the more they mean to you. Deep bonding occurs when two people share intimate details of events in their lives, when they confide things in each other they would not confide in others. The same is true with self-love. Look at it as a relationship with yourself. How well you know yourself, how well you appreciate yourself, your level of pride and humility will all directly influence how much you care about yourself. Understand that you will get resistance from your body and mind. You will be breaking habits and often this will be uncomfortable; that’s ok. Even if you don’t succeed the first few times you try to alter a behavior, please continue. Failure is defined by what stops you and prevents the process. You only fail if you give up. Continuing to push through the anxiety and discomfort will ultimately lead to success. Do not ever forget that. The only time you fail to change or do something is when you stop trying.

Pay attention to the things you’re telling yourself during this process. The thoughts you think during the times of discomfort will only give you more insight into your false and limiting beliefs. When you begin to talk yourself out of something ask yourself, “Why am I thinking this way, what belief is holding me back?” You may be surprised by the answers. Self-love is the greatest gift you can give yourself and the others around you. When you truly love yourself, you can then love others out of abundance instead of lack. The difference being: When you love out of abundance you expect nothing in return, you simply love unconditionally because you genuinely care. When you love out of lack, you are loving to be loved in return. There is a lack of love in your life and you believe by showing someone else love they will give you the love you so intensely desire. True, real, honest love is always out of abundance and asks nothing in return.

How does this make you feel? Has this article inspired you to take on the task of reflecting and learning to love yourself more? Does is push you to move in directions to heal and love yourself for who you are? Has it helped to guide you in that process?