Leaning into Uncertainty

I remember being about 12 or 12.5 years of age (because the distinction was necessary to distinguish full teenager status) when I realized that mental health was something that I wanted to do, for lack of better terms. At that age, I did not know the official name for it; however, I did know that I wanted to help people. I remember waking up and diving into shows like Dr. Phil, Maury, The Doctors, and then reading magazines like GQ and Psychology Today. You could say that 12-year-old, excuse me, 12.5-year-old me was profound and searching for any deeper meaning.

Some 16 years later (I completely dated myself, but so be it), I would say that I am still that same person looking for that more profound meaning. I have always been a person who wants to know more than what was on the surface. It all felt very prosaic, not unlike the prerequisites required for university; two semesters too long! To this day, I still find myself getting fatigued at the thought of "meet and greets." Being stuck in an environment where I have to formulate small talk feels forced. Maybe this is a learned behavior in not wanting to waste time or decipher who/what is worth that time. I will never fully know, but I recognize that each situation does have what seems like a "trial period" in which that undesired engagement is necessary to build the desired relationship.

During what I like to refer to as the "trial period," you go through your typical commonalities of asking how each person is doing, how their day went, but nothing too intense. Keeping everything interesting enough while not giving too much of ourselves; maybe some light flirting for zest. Unfortunately, it's like a game, waiting to see who will break the figurative ice-wall that keeps us from jumping in headfirst. I have always been a headfirst type of person. It's all or nothing. It feels like a waste continuously putting effort into anything when you get half-ass energy in return. This does not mean you will not have days where all have is 30% to give. That is okay, and that is life. What is not okay is being in a situation where you consistently place parts of yourself at the forefront to be broken.

There is a line between being vulnerable and leaning in, to then being taken for granted. One allows you to explore the uncomfortable feelings associated with acclimating into new circumstances, while the other leaves you in a prolonged state of disarray, wondering what the disconnect was? It feels endless. Leaning in is not this simple task that comes with novice-level knowledge. It is supposed to be uncomfortable. You are removing layers of defense built over the years meant to protect your heart, mind, and energy. It takes time and effort. As mentioned before, there are times when all you have to give is 30%, and that is fine. Ideally, you can give and take at a proportionate rate, but seeing as we are all complex humans with autonomous thoughts and feelings makes it unrealistic.

Being alive, especially at this moment, where every day feels like a Sunday, and you never know what news we are going to receive next, it feels essential living with intention and vulnerability. Doing so only allows for authenticity to enter your world. On the flip side, you can continue wearing a figurative mask (not to mention that you damn well should be wearing a LITERAL mask that covers your mouth AND your nose), but it doesn't get you anywhere fast. You will continually experience the same cyclical toxic behaviors and patterns in your world. People want the candid version of who you are, not your highlight reel. I promise your most genuine and authentic self is better than the warped sense of self our society would have us think is our best. If the people and situations that you choose to enter cannot handle you at your pit, then they do not deserve you at your pea k.

I know that a lot of this seems like it is venting, but the point is to release the frustrations and mental clutter from our everyday life. Everything feels relatively the same as the day preceding it. However, there are some things you can do to combat those feelings of uncertainty. For me, it's being able to just step away from everything at work. So if I am feeling overwhelmed with work, I will walk away and just do a lap or two around my house (exciting stuff, I know) or stretch to release feels heavy. If that doesn't alleviate the tension, I will make sure to go for a walk until I feel tired enough to just shower and sleep it off. Another thing that has always helped me is journaling. Sometimes, I can't put words to exactly what I am feeling so just being able to clear the general noise is a sufficient means to an end. Again these are things that help me, others may need a more active approach. Whatever it may be, do it. Don't let everything build up until you reach your boiling point because it causes you more damage in the long term and on those particularly hellish days make sure you take the time you need to rest, relax, and recharge.