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Just Say It

How to speak your truth and circumvent an emotional hijacking

By Kennedy FarrPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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Image by ElisaRiva from Pixabay

When was the last time you didn't say something to someone in the moment . . . in real time . . . only to later wish that you would have just given yourself the permission to say it?

This happened to me the other day on the trail. I was out walking my dog, and I saw her once again. It was that crazy woman who always tells me that I don't need to bother with my mask, that you can't catch COVID-19 when you are outdoors, that it's all a hoax and a con orchestrated by the government.

She was standing in the middle of the trail and making no attempt to step off the trail to let me pass. I double checked that my mask was secure and walked past her with my dog on her leash. Once we got about 10 feet up the trail, she shrilly shouted at my back: "You know that the virus isn't real. You don't need that mask. I keep telling you. It's all a con and we've all been duped. I just read an article again today . . ."

I had kept walking to get away from her anti-mask propaganda, and I could feel myself getting angry. I don't see this woman every single time I'm out with my dog but often enough to be sick of her anti-science lecturing of how COVID-19 is a farce.

I stopped walking and was going to turn around and say something. But I didn't. Something stopped me. Why engage when I didn't have to? I could keep walking and enjoy nature's beauty with my dog and just call it another proselytizing day in paradise. I kept walking, didn't turn around but held up my hand and waved it, as if to say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard this from you every time I see you out here."

But . . . as you can see . . . I haven't let it go. I'm still thinking about it. Who is this person to harass me with her personal opinions and ill-informed politics on a horrendous virus that has affected millions of people around the world? When I am just going to say something to her . . . at the very least to ask her to please stop preaching and let me get on with my walk with my dog?

This "turn your back and keep walking and don't say anything" response seems to be a common experience that a lot of us share. Many of us have been raised with our default set to Humility with a capital "H" and a sometimes terribly overrated sense of politesse.

After all, it wouldn’t be polite to just say what is on our mind or in our heart. We fear sounding rude or abrupt. We equate graciousness with good manners. We fear a loss of personal dignity if we respond in a truthful manner. We fear rejection. What if someone quit loving us if we just said it?

We are taught to paste a smile on and accept someone else’s bad temper, gaslighting, insensitivity, rudeness, or crudeness . . . because it wouldn’t be polite to respond in a manner that might paint us as the bad guy, the rude girl, the nasty bitch.

We fear this – a negative judgment from someone, even if that might be coming from someone is acting like a real jerk.

Well, maybe not all of us. I know several people who just bust a move when it comes to just saying something, to being themselves, to expressing their opinion, to self-advocating. These special people express all of this open and blatant authenticity, while the rest of us bottle things in and feel badly for even thinking something negative about someone who berates us.

When are we going to muster the chutzpah to stop someone from being a bully?

Why don’t we just say it?

I am not advocating a thoughtless burst of words that take no account of collateral damage. No one wants to be the belly-acher. The complainer. The person who always belches out opinions-as-gospel-truth. It is wise to be thoughtful with our words and actions.

And it is smart to be aware of and develop our emotional intelligence quotient – our EQ – so that our rational brain has a chance to catch up to our amazingly speedy emotional brain and circumvent an emotional hijacking.

An emotional hijacking can best be described as our amygdala – the specialist for emotional matters – taking control over what we do and/or say while the neocortex – the rational brain – is still coming to a decision.

We all know what it feels like when we have allowed a hijacking to take place . . . those moments when we say, “I can’t believe I actually said that out loud!” or “I just don’t know what came over me.” An emotional hijacking can have life-defining consequences.

Still. Remaining pleasantly and politely silent in the face of bullying tactics or abuse of power or unwelcome preaching or plain and simple rudeness has defining consequences, too. I sometimes wonder if it isn’t better to just say it and deal with the aftermath of a hellacious emotional hijacking only to find that I am kicking myself later for allowing someone else to thoughtlessly tear down my or someone else’s sense of worth.

I don’t know. This is tricky stuff. We want to be good people who are considerate of others. We want to go high when they go low. We want to take the high road. There are times when “Just Say It” flies in the face of heroic passivism and turning the other cheek. But is there a way to balance this, especially for the introverts of the world who may not be as comfortable speaking up in public or professional situations? Is there a way to self-advocate and feel good about the situation later? I believe there is a way.

Speaking the Truth in Love

In other words, go ahead and say it, but be aware what is fueling your words.

  • Is it anger, jealousy, passive-aggression?
  • Is it a desire for clarity, for setting the other person straight regarding your thoughts, feelings, or intentions?
  • Is it being an advocate for someone who can’t speak for herself?
  • Is it speaking our truth in love?

Speaking our truth in love is a healthy way to pull back on the yoke and glide out of an emotional hijacking situation. That “just saying it” can be a unifying force. So, speak the truth, but say it in love. Love for the other person. Love for you, yourself. Love for building a better community.

The next time I am on the trail and the anti-mask garble starts to dribble out of her mouth? I will say something. With strength and within the confines of good manners. I don't know what exactly I will say, but I can protect my own boundaries without sounding like a tea kettle on high boil. I can and will preserve my peace of heart without losing my soul.

"All you need is love": This beautiful video was created for the Starbucks Love Project and is one that I love to watch over and over. People from 156 countries came together to collaborate on this project. Watching it is like taking a trip around the world and understanding that what we all need is love.

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About the Creator

Kennedy Farr

Kennedy Farr is a daily diarist, a lifelong learner, a dog lover, an educator, a tree lover, & a true believer that the best way to travel inward is to write with your feet: Take the leap of faith. Put both feet forward. Just jump. Believe.

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