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Journal of thoughts

Written by Jean Long

By Jean LongPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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Journal of thoughts
Photo by fotografierende on Unsplash

As I recall when I was just 7 my innocent feelings were written in any piece of paper perhaps it was scribbled through the wall of my room just to release what I cannot express as I watched my mother in bed, sick and depressed who has been waiting for my dad that was never home as I can remember. I felt abandoned when my mom did not allow her eyes to see that she missed to care for her 3 little angels..me and my 2 sisters...yes I became in charged at the age of 12 to take care of my mother and 2 sisters with the help of my "best friend" my pencil and paper that I treasured where I wrote every struggles and hardships. Tools given to me as a gift by those Christian missionaries who showed up every Sunday to teach the kids in the neighborhood

I was born and raised in the Philippines all through my college years and a lifestyle far from every normal kid which I never thought I would have had experienced. My mother was not able to defeat the depression that contributed to her early death. Being the oldest I became the parents to both of my siblings with the help of some neighbors and relatives. I will do chores and errands for neighbors to earn while utilizing my singing talent and perform to small restaurant so I can provide and maintain my schooling. At the end of the day and before sunrise my journal can witness the pain and sadness that is being soaked in tears as I write every hopes and dreams that somehow a miracle can happen to change the situation. I would kneel down and open the window and look at the stars in the sky and pray that somewhere out there can see me and my sister and brought us a miracle. "A plea to end the sorrow".

I can hear the noise as I close my eyes how kids call me the "ugly monkey" for my kinky hair and dark skin. A mixed race of black and brown was never accepted by the society as far as I can remember. "I don't know where I belong?" I asked and wrote this question almost every night bursting in tears. "Oh but I have other things to worry about".. our food for tomorrow, our homework, my errands, our laundry and so forth and so on.

After school as I walked and watched those kids playing happily, sadness I can't hide. It haunts me to this day. But I had to run back home before it gets dark so I can cook and prepare my only one dress to wear to perform and sing at the neighborhood restaurant. No time to play, no time for jokes just keep on working to survive.

I got my first pay check and so I was excited to buy us a good dinner. I had to pass by a bookstore to grab me a brand new notebook and a pen for my favorite thing to do...writing. That was the day I realized that the only witness and my only best friend is my journal.

All those memories were just the introduction of how writing became a passion to me. I have been writing my life to this day yet non of those written pain were ever read other than myself

I am new to Vocal and I have not published any of my writings but I have a lot to share to the world of how my writing has saved me from going insane. I developed a deeper way of expressing my thoughts by using some meaningful form of words that only my pain and joy can confirm.

We all have our life's journey and allow me to share mine. My journey of thoughts has been written into the heart of a white piece of paper dictated by my experiences in life.

A new beginning of exposing my hidden expressions creatively in a poetic way. I am very hopeful and thankful to Vocal media platform for this opportunity to share my thoughts wishes and dreams. My "journal of thoughts" will continue its journey and now it is open for public reading.

goals
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About the Creator

Jean Long

Born and raised in the Philippines whos the only passion is to write about every journey possible in a very creative and poetic way and who value every human's emotion and thoughts.

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